The last Thanksgiving I didn't spend alone was in 2007. I knew my marriage was over, but my wife and I spent Thanksgiving with her family like we had every other Thanksgiving after we moved to Florida in 1999. She hadn't told them about our situation yet. She wanted us to make the appearance as a happily married couple. Even though it was over. I hadn't accepted it yet. Was still holding out hope that it wasn't really over. At the time, I thought that would be the saddest Thanksgiving of my life. Knowing that I would no longer be a part of this family, that this was the last time I would celebrate a holiday with them. I was wrong.
Thanksgiving 2008, my first one alone, was worse. I was still depressed over what happened to my marriage and hadn't been able to move on. I guess part of me never did. I guess I'm still wondering what I did that was so unforgivable. No abuse, no affairs. We had trouble communicating at times, but I loved her. I always will. I guess I'm still wondering what I did that justified being canceled so quickly. Maybe that's what hurt the most. Knowing that you can be discarded so quickly, with no hesitation. After spending so many years together, all the love you thought was real, then to be tossed aside like you never mattered. And I know that I don't matter because she's never initiated contact with me since. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I've always been the one to text her to find out how she's doing, or saying Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas, whatever. The last time I texted her was back in March as the pandemic was getting worse. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I didn't send her a text this Thanksgiving because I was hoping she'd text me first. But it didn't happen. No messages waiting for me on my phone. She wants me to just, go away. Because I don't matter to her. I don't even matter to myself anymore. Sorry, I'm rambling again.
Over the years there's always been sadness around the holidays, but I had learned to deal with it okay and bounce back after it was over. That's not happening anymore. Last Halloween, 2019, I received a message on a dating site I have a profile on. I had stopped reaching out years ago, I basically gave up. But I left my profile up. I was still hopeful. Maybe that special person would find me. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Her name was Heather, and she was really sweet. And I shared everything with her, held nothing back, complete honesty. And she was cool with everything. Including that I wished I had been born female and that I indulged that fantasy in the privacy of my home. I told her my story and she wanted to get to know me. The real me. So we spent about two weeks texting and talking and emailing, and we made a connection, a real connection. So we decided to take the next step and meet somewhere for dinner. A date, a real date. The first for me in several years. It couldn't have gone better. We talked for hours, and I asked if I could see her again. Second date? She said yes. I already had it planned, I planned it after the first time we talked on the phone, that's how sure I was that we had hit it off. I wanted to have her over to my place to watch "The Princess Bride." That was it, nothing else, that's not the kind of person I am, I have never been that kind of person. I want a relationship, not a fling of any kind. She knew that. So I had something else to look forward to, and that hadn't happened to me in a long time. I asked her to text me when she got home so I would know that she got home safe. She texted me, but the tone of her text had changed quite a bit from what I was used to. I noticed, but tried to downplay it. Then she stopped initiating contact with me. I kept texting her, but her answers were short. No hugs, nothing friendly, nothing that indicated she still liked me. I was canceled. Dismissed again. Like I didn't matter to her. Like I never mattered at all. I wish she had never reached out to me in the first place. False hope, is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Thursday morning, it just hit me. I don't know why. I started thinking about how that one date ended, had I done something wrong, how my marriage ended, that I was alone, and felt nothing. I was numb to it all. Then the depression came roaring back because I was numb. I couldn't feel anything, and it turns out that's more depressing than the sadness that's been following me. I felt nothing, and it just drove home how much I don't matter. That I can be so easily tossed aside. I tried to ignore this Thanksgiving, tried to spend the day in bed. It didn't work. Just felt worse. Worst Thanksgiving ever. Until the next one I guess. I'm dreading Christmas this year more than I have any other year since 2007. I shaved yesterday, and I know how to shave without cutting myself. I cut myself this time. Just to try and feel something other than emotional pain. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't hurt myself, but I couldn't help it. You've all been so helpful to me, afterward I felt worse because I don't want to let any of you down. All the advice, the kind words, the friendship, everything. And I go and intentionally hurt myself. I'm sorry, everyone. Please don't cancel me because of it. I just, I don't know. I'm not bouncing back anymore. I was better at handling this before I met Heather, that false hope really did a number on me. And now, I can't stop thinking about how I waited years for my mother or father to reach out to me and say they'd like to start over, get to know me, make up for years lost. And it never happened. My father ended up dying. I never mattered to him, either. I guess I have proof of that now. And my mother, could have passed away, I don't know. Just to make some kind of effort, to show that I actually did matter at least a little bit. Even for my ex to reach out, would mean a lot. I don't know anymore. I'm rambling again. Sorry.
Thanks for reading. Have a nice weekend.
Autumn
Thanksgiving 2008, my first one alone, was worse. I was still depressed over what happened to my marriage and hadn't been able to move on. I guess part of me never did. I guess I'm still wondering what I did that was so unforgivable. No abuse, no affairs. We had trouble communicating at times, but I loved her. I always will. I guess I'm still wondering what I did that justified being canceled so quickly. Maybe that's what hurt the most. Knowing that you can be discarded so quickly, with no hesitation. After spending so many years together, all the love you thought was real, then to be tossed aside like you never mattered. And I know that I don't matter because she's never initiated contact with me since. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I've always been the one to text her to find out how she's doing, or saying Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas, whatever. The last time I texted her was back in March as the pandemic was getting worse. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I didn't send her a text this Thanksgiving because I was hoping she'd text me first. But it didn't happen. No messages waiting for me on my phone. She wants me to just, go away. Because I don't matter to her. I don't even matter to myself anymore. Sorry, I'm rambling again.
Over the years there's always been sadness around the holidays, but I had learned to deal with it okay and bounce back after it was over. That's not happening anymore. Last Halloween, 2019, I received a message on a dating site I have a profile on. I had stopped reaching out years ago, I basically gave up. But I left my profile up. I was still hopeful. Maybe that special person would find me. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Her name was Heather, and she was really sweet. And I shared everything with her, held nothing back, complete honesty. And she was cool with everything. Including that I wished I had been born female and that I indulged that fantasy in the privacy of my home. I told her my story and she wanted to get to know me. The real me. So we spent about two weeks texting and talking and emailing, and we made a connection, a real connection. So we decided to take the next step and meet somewhere for dinner. A date, a real date. The first for me in several years. It couldn't have gone better. We talked for hours, and I asked if I could see her again. Second date? She said yes. I already had it planned, I planned it after the first time we talked on the phone, that's how sure I was that we had hit it off. I wanted to have her over to my place to watch "The Princess Bride." That was it, nothing else, that's not the kind of person I am, I have never been that kind of person. I want a relationship, not a fling of any kind. She knew that. So I had something else to look forward to, and that hadn't happened to me in a long time. I asked her to text me when she got home so I would know that she got home safe. She texted me, but the tone of her text had changed quite a bit from what I was used to. I noticed, but tried to downplay it. Then she stopped initiating contact with me. I kept texting her, but her answers were short. No hugs, nothing friendly, nothing that indicated she still liked me. I was canceled. Dismissed again. Like I didn't matter to her. Like I never mattered at all. I wish she had never reached out to me in the first place. False hope, is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Thursday morning, it just hit me. I don't know why. I started thinking about how that one date ended, had I done something wrong, how my marriage ended, that I was alone, and felt nothing. I was numb to it all. Then the depression came roaring back because I was numb. I couldn't feel anything, and it turns out that's more depressing than the sadness that's been following me. I felt nothing, and it just drove home how much I don't matter. That I can be so easily tossed aside. I tried to ignore this Thanksgiving, tried to spend the day in bed. It didn't work. Just felt worse. Worst Thanksgiving ever. Until the next one I guess. I'm dreading Christmas this year more than I have any other year since 2007. I shaved yesterday, and I know how to shave without cutting myself. I cut myself this time. Just to try and feel something other than emotional pain. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't hurt myself, but I couldn't help it. You've all been so helpful to me, afterward I felt worse because I don't want to let any of you down. All the advice, the kind words, the friendship, everything. And I go and intentionally hurt myself. I'm sorry, everyone. Please don't cancel me because of it. I just, I don't know. I'm not bouncing back anymore. I was better at handling this before I met Heather, that false hope really did a number on me. And now, I can't stop thinking about how I waited years for my mother or father to reach out to me and say they'd like to start over, get to know me, make up for years lost. And it never happened. My father ended up dying. I never mattered to him, either. I guess I have proof of that now. And my mother, could have passed away, I don't know. Just to make some kind of effort, to show that I actually did matter at least a little bit. Even for my ex to reach out, would mean a lot. I don't know anymore. I'm rambling again. Sorry.
Thanks for reading. Have a nice weekend.
Autumn
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