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Being Okay with Being Ugly?

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#1
I'm struggling a lot with my appearance at the moment. I go through patches.

I realised today that I've spent half my life trying to lose weight now. Half my life. And I feel like I'm getting there now. But what if I don't?

Even if so, there are still things I'm going to be unhappy with. Even though I'm noticing the difference in my body, there are things about my body that aren't going to go away.

I don't know how to be okay with it. I try to be logical about it. Firstly, why do I care what people think about the way I look? But I do. I do so much. I think I want to feel validated and part of "the normal group". And it's good to be aware of that. But also how can I find that in other places? Even to validate myself, it doesn't replace the desire I have to be validated by others.

Okay. So why don't I just care about the people who love me, their opinion? They don't feel the way I feel about myself. My boyfriend likes the way I look. But all I can feel are the things he shouldn't like. It hurts because not only do I start to feel not fully accepted by him because of thoughts that aren't even his, but I invalidate his own thoughts about me and the way he feels about me. It makes me genuinely upset, because I'm creating issues that shouldn't exist.

I don't know how to move past this deep, endless loathing I have for myself. It interferes with everything I do, and I don't know how to accept the way I look and be okay with it. I feel like I could spend hours listing the things I hate about my looks, and even trying to be kind and positive about my appearance doesn't seem to sink in. Despite kind words from the few people who hear me describe how unhappy I am with my looks, I'm still unavoidably aware that I am disgustingly ugly to the majority of people. It hurts.
 

MAC0

Y.N.W.A
SF Supporter
#4
If your anything like me your a great friend to the opposite sex but no more even when you get that special connection where you just hit it off and can talk for hours about anything

everyone tells me this what others think of you does not matter you need to have confidence in yourself to know what they think says more about them than it does you how you build that confidence i dont know but maybe being here will help or if theres is a meet up near you go to that meet people who will not judge
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#5
If your anything like me your a great friend to the opposite sex but no more even when you get that special connection where you just hit it off and can talk for hours about anything

everyone tells me this what others think of you does not matter you need to have confidence in yourself to know what they think says more about them than it does you how you build that confidence i dont know but maybe being here will help or if theres is a meet up near you go to that meet people who will not judge
Thanks Mac. I don't even mind people not seeing me romantically or anything, I think it's just not wanting to feel like people look at me and think "ew" pahah.

I try to have confidence. Somedays I'm like "yeah! Who cares if people think I'm ugly? That's their problem, beauty is subjective, etc...". But it'll take one little thing, even just catching myself in a reflection, to knock that all down. To remind myself that actually, I'm incredibly unhappy like this.

Thank you very much for the understanding and support!

Sending hugs
 

MAC0

Y.N.W.A
SF Supporter
#6
No problem i have felt like you to a smaller extent all my life and my current facial issues is making it worse for me i posted the other day about how to stop hating myself while i have hope no with some surgery

as some who have helped me on here will tell you i have days where one look in a mirror or a picture or video on the ipad sets me off but i will give you some advice they told me

stop looking in mirrors because with your mind in this place it will play tricks on you make you think you look worse then you are

again liked my therapist says while trying to get me go out with hiding my face what ever happens in future you need to work on your confidence have you got anyone in real life to talk with
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#7
Yeah, I get that.

I have people I can talk to in real life - well, person. But I feel so ashamed of the topic! And I'm not sure what to say or what I need from them.

Sending hugs
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
I wish I had answers for you Em but I feel very similar and have done since childhood. I struggle with looking in the mirror and I hate being in photos, I avoid it like the plague.

When Nick and I were first dating when I was 18 I said to him one bad day "I don't know why you go out with me, I'm so ugly." And his response was "I'm not exactly gods gift so it doesn't matter." I've never forgotten that and my already low confidence in my looks hit the bottom and has never got better. I'm seriously considering cosmetic surgery once the divorce has gone through.

For what it's worth though I don't think you're ugly, far from it. You have beautiful hair and smiling eyes and you exude warmth with your amazing smile *hug
 

Angie

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#9
This may or may not help but...

often we are very judgmental of ourselves because of a few things, sometimes we have trauma in our lives and that skews how we think. And the mass media which is spoon fed to us upon birth has horribly unachievable looks presented day in and day out. I mean, have you seen some of the "beautiful" people when they are not in makeup and hair professionally done, photoshopped, etc.?

and finally, I am 63, and while I do take care to be presentable, and occasionally wear make up, it just doesn't matter anymore, if people are going to be so shallow as to judge by how I look, I don't need them in my life.

I hope you feel better, you are a precious gift, remember that.
 
#10
Because that's the way people treat me and feedback to me.
I think a lot of women are just insecure about their appearance. You probably wouldn't have a boyfriend who likes how you look if you were so physically unattractive. There are also a lot of physically attractive women who don't have boyfriends at all.

I was on a plane once, and I noticed a very attractive passenger seated near by me. At the time, the notion that male attraction was oppressive to women, and that looking at women was sexual harassment had been drilled into me, so I tried to ignore her as best I could. When we got off the plane I noticed that she met (presumably) her parents and declared, "I'm ugly!" and started crying. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but that's just how she saw herself.
 
#11
When Nick and I were first dating when I was 18 I said to him one bad day "I don't know why you go out with me, I'm so ugly." And his response was "I'm not exactly gods gift so it doesn't matter." I've never forgotten that and my already low confidence in my looks hit the bottom and has never got better.
That was just Nick putting his foot in his mouth. I believe you've posted about having once appeared as a model in a calendar. I don't think the people who made the calendar would have picked you for the job if they didn't think people would find you attractive.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#12
I agree with the comments here above. We do judge ourselves harshest whether looks, personality or other when others do not but they may see bad in themselves when it doesn't exist. I admit I am nothing good to look at but others I have shared pictures with believe otherwise and some of them are as attractive as can be but don't think it about their own appearance.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#13
I wish I had answers for you Em but I feel very similar and have done since childhood. I struggle with looking in the mirror and I hate being in photos, I avoid it like the plague.

When Nick and I were first dating when I was 18 I said to him one bad day "I don't know why you go out with me, I'm so ugly." And his response was "I'm not exactly gods gift so it doesn't matter." I've never forgotten that and my already low confidence in my looks hit the bottom and has never got better. I'm seriously considering cosmetic surgery once the divorce has gone through.

For what it's worth though I don't think you're ugly, far from it. You have beautiful hair and smiling eyes and you exude warmth with your amazing smile *hug
Thank you. I'm sorry you feel the same way, honestly it's hard not to obsess over it. Nick sounds like a bit of a jerk, though.

I think you're beautiful too, by the way. Seeing you always makes me feel bright, hopefully it won't be long before we can meet up again!

Sending hugs
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#14
This may or may not help but...

often we are very judgmental of ourselves because of a few things, sometimes we have trauma in our lives and that skews how we think. And the mass media which is spoon fed to us upon birth has horribly unachievable looks presented day in and day out. I mean, have you seen some of the "beautiful" people when they are not in makeup and hair professionally done, photoshopped, etc.?

and finally, I am 63, and while I do take care to be presentable, and occasionally wear make up, it just doesn't matter anymore, if people are going to be so shallow as to judge by how I look, I don't need them in my life.

I hope you feel better, you are a precious gift, remember that.
This is true. I think it's hard to step away from that, like I know I shouldn't be comparing and things, but it's hard not to.

It's definitely true not to want people in my life that are so shallow. I do try and remind myself of that.

Sending hugs
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#15
I think a lot of women are just insecure about their appearance. You probably wouldn't have a boyfriend who likes how you look if you were so physically unattractive. There are also a lot of physically attractive women who don't have boyfriends at all.

I was on a plane once, and I noticed a very attractive passenger seated near by me. At the time, the notion that male attraction was oppressive to women, and that looking at women was sexual harassment had been drilled into me, so I tried to ignore her as best I could. When we got off the plane I noticed that she met (presumably) her parents and declared, "I'm ugly!" and started crying. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but that's just how she saw herself.
This is true. I do believe he finds me attractive and I'm lucky enough that he tells me often. I just struggle to accept that. It's this really weird feeling where I know it's true, but it doesn't feel right. I get the same with some other things that other people might understand here. Like knowing things will get better but still not believing it in the moment, or knowing that you're over thinking but stuck in those thoughts.

It's weird. I feel like my options are to learn to accept that I will never be happy with the way I look, or try to like the way I look. I feel like I've been trying so hard with the second option and never gotten anywhere with it, I'm just swarmed by all the things that I don't like. But then the first... I just don't know how to do it.

I always appreciate your insight and advice may, I appreciate you a lot.

Sending hugs
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#16
I agree with the comments here above. We do judge ourselves harshest whether looks, personality or other when others do not but they may see bad in themselves when it doesn't exist. I admit I am nothing good to look at but others I have shared pictures with believe otherwise and some of them are as attractive as can be but don't think it about their own appearance.
Yeah, it's weird. I guess we spend so long with ourselves that we start to pick out all the flaws we don't like. I don't know how to adjust my mindset to feel differently.

Sending hugs
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#17
Yeah, it's weird. I guess we spend so long with ourselves that we start to pick out all the flaws we don't like. I don't know how to adjust my mindset to feel differently.

Sending hugs
So true. Often it makes me think when a member who has been here for a while and offers welcomes and support to others but think that they are not decent. Yes, they have a good side in the comfort and possible advice they share with other members. I always hope they see the good they do share here.
 

MAC0

Y.N.W.A
SF Supporter
#18
Yeah, it's weird. I guess we spend so long with ourselves that we start to pick out all the flaws we don't like. I don't know how to adjust my mindset to feel differently.

Sending hugs
totally agree its not just that you pick out flaws if like me you gave issues with your appearance your mind will play tricks on you it will always find something to set you off at some point even if that thing is not really there
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#19
@EmB I really identify with your comments and I find it hard to accept that my husband finds me attractive.

Really though, nobody except our romantic partner should even be evaluating our looks. It's just common with women that everyone feels the need to speak up about our level of attractiveness, yet this is also subjective. A local television news station in my area announced they will no longer be having a "comments" section on their website because they get so many shitty comments about the looks/weight of women, and also nasty racial comments against people of color. Why should women of any age be subject to sexual evaluation at every turn? It's such bullshit.
 

seabird

meandering towards home
SF Supporter
#20
@EmB hugs I think it is that we're all deeply conditioned by the society we grow up in & live within. You seem like an incredibly sensitive person who is also capable of that awareness of what feels true vs everything else.
If you are working on a goal of losing weight then that is your path at the moment. If it involves getting healthier and stronger then at some point the new you will have to decide how "if" feels being you. Humans all around us constantly judge and compare with a whole lot of rather stupid measuring sticks. We all are aware of it, we all more or less fit somewhere along these arbitrary categories. In the long run I find it pathetic that humans think they have the right to judge anyone else but themselves. You are a strong lovely being who is doing something meaningful to you & that is by its very nature beautiful.
hugs
- s
 

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