I'm struggling a lot with my appearance at the moment. I go through patches.
I realised today that I've spent half my life trying to lose weight now. Half my life. And I feel like I'm getting there now. But what if I don't?
Even if so, there are still things I'm going to be unhappy with. Even though I'm noticing the difference in my body, there are things about my body that aren't going to go away.
I don't know how to be okay with it. I try to be logical about it. Firstly, why do I care what people think about the way I look? But I do. I do so much. I think I want to feel validated and part of "the normal group". And it's good to be aware of that. But also how can I find that in other places? Even to validate myself, it doesn't replace the desire I have to be validated by others.
Okay. So why don't I just care about the people who love me, their opinion? They don't feel the way I feel about myself. My boyfriend likes the way I look. But all I can feel are the things he shouldn't like. It hurts because not only do I start to feel not fully accepted by him because of thoughts that aren't even his, but I invalidate his own thoughts about me and the way he feels about me. It makes me genuinely upset, because I'm creating issues that shouldn't exist.
I don't know how to move past this deep, endless loathing I have for myself. It interferes with everything I do, and I don't know how to accept the way I look and be okay with it. I feel like I could spend hours listing the things I hate about my looks, and even trying to be kind and positive about my appearance doesn't seem to sink in. Despite kind words from the few people who hear me describe how unhappy I am with my looks, I'm still unavoidably aware that I am disgustingly ugly to the majority of people. It hurts.
I realised today that I've spent half my life trying to lose weight now. Half my life. And I feel like I'm getting there now. But what if I don't?
Even if so, there are still things I'm going to be unhappy with. Even though I'm noticing the difference in my body, there are things about my body that aren't going to go away.
I don't know how to be okay with it. I try to be logical about it. Firstly, why do I care what people think about the way I look? But I do. I do so much. I think I want to feel validated and part of "the normal group". And it's good to be aware of that. But also how can I find that in other places? Even to validate myself, it doesn't replace the desire I have to be validated by others.
Okay. So why don't I just care about the people who love me, their opinion? They don't feel the way I feel about myself. My boyfriend likes the way I look. But all I can feel are the things he shouldn't like. It hurts because not only do I start to feel not fully accepted by him because of thoughts that aren't even his, but I invalidate his own thoughts about me and the way he feels about me. It makes me genuinely upset, because I'm creating issues that shouldn't exist.
I don't know how to move past this deep, endless loathing I have for myself. It interferes with everything I do, and I don't know how to accept the way I look and be okay with it. I feel like I could spend hours listing the things I hate about my looks, and even trying to be kind and positive about my appearance doesn't seem to sink in. Despite kind words from the few people who hear me describe how unhappy I am with my looks, I'm still unavoidably aware that I am disgustingly ugly to the majority of people. It hurts.