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being prepared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alison, Mar 5, 2010.

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  1. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    I'm scared I'm going to do something drastic, but I need to be prepared: specifically my suicide note. Basically the situation is that my parents and brothers are perfect, and I'm a parasite to them. In my note I really want them to see how much I appreciate and love them and that everything was my fault. I've been trying so hard to make the note work, but I can't do it.. how can I tell them everything in a note? I just want things to be okay and for them to live the life they deserve without me. :cry2:
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Things won't be okay if you're gone. :hug:
  3. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    they'll be better...

    If nothing else, I'm so expensive
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    THey aren't perfect, they can't be, because they are human.

    I don't think, to be honest, that a note could convey anywhere near what you want them to know, and, also being honest, I think it would leave a lot of unanswered questions and guilt too.

    If you feel you are expensive (and money is very materialistic), then could you get a job? Really though, your needs might be expensive, but you as a person are priceless.
  5. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    I'm a grad student right now, and I'm living back at home... I do have a part-time job, but its still not cutting it. All I pay for is gas (I commute pretty far to school), therapy copays, my medication, and then occasionally I burn through lots of cash to pay for tons of food just to throw it up. It's stupid.. but I can't cut any of those things out right now, binge/purging is one of my most effective coping mechanisms at the moment.. but things are so expensive. I'mc onstantly borrowing money from my parents, and I know they were the ones who convinced me to go to school & grad school in the first place.. but I can't do it anymore. I'm not going to finish my thesis, I'm not going to graduate on time. Thinking about looking for a job post-graduation (msot my peers have jobs lined up already..) makes me feel like I'm going to throw up or pass out. I'm pretty sure I just failed my microbiology exam two days ago .. and classes are the only thing I'm good at.

    I just wish they could see that things will be better once I'm gone. I'm such an inconvenience on their life, my parents have two younger children (who are actually cihldren... i'm a fucking adult for christsakes) to take care of, they shouldn't have to deal with me anymore.

    I know they're not perfect, but they're so lovely to me and they gave me all these opportunities in life and they try so hard to understand me... but they just don't get it. I'm a broken person - I am ill with an anxiety condition that's spiralling out of control and I cannot function in this world. They gave me a good childhood, and I'mg rateful for them.. but its time for us to say goodbye. I love them so much and I wish there was another way but there's not. I wish I could make them see that... even make them happy that this bad phase of our lives is over. Without me they can move on, life will be so much better for everyone involved.
  6. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    help me... please? i need to figure this out soon ..
  7. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    I see that you feel horrible about yourself, and you think you're a burden. All I can say is that I guarantee you that your family does NOT think of you the same way you're unfortunately thinking about yourself. I've dealt with suicidal friends and relatives before, and just the thought of them offing themselves ripped right into my soul. If any of them had, I'd never really have recovered from that most devastating loss.

    I'm the same age as you, and also just finished up undergrad. It took me a long time to zero in on a career I think I will find personally rewarding, and I DID feel like a completely useless burden for quite some time. I still have a long path ahead of me, but things are better now than they once were. I really hope you can get through all this crap you're dealing with right now. Take care, I'll be praying for you.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You commiting suicide will do nothing but hurt your family.. They will never get over it..I guarantee they love you more than you know.. They wouldn't bother helping you with schooling if they didn't care..Why don't you sit down with them and talk..Let them know how you feel..Please don't do anything rash..As far as school goes talk to a counselor and find out about taking a break to get yourself straight..I'm sure they can help..
  9. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Taking your own life would be a HUGE mistake. If you really care so much about your parents and want what's best for them, then you SHOULD NOT kill yourself. Honestly, you're not making any sense, Alison. Suicide is NOT what you want. You said so yourself:

    And you know what? There IS another way. You just don't see it right now because you're as emotional as you are. Don't do anything drastic. Don't be led by your emotions. You can get through this. You can have a good life.

    I have thought about suicide myself in the past when I was depressed. I also had an anxiety disorder, like yourself. I had big problems but I got through. Now, my life is very good and I'm very, very happy I never threw in the towel.

    Please be strong. Things CAN turn around.
  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Indeed. They certainly won't.
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you don't kill yourself....suicide is not the answer....
    have you tried changing your meds, maybe a different therapist, anything different may be what you need if what you're doing now isn't working...
    you love your family and you say they are very supportive...
    imagine what it will do to them if they lose you......
    their life will turn to s**t.....they will not be better off if you die...
    please trust me ..I have lost my son to suicide....it is not the way..
    take care...
    we care...
  12. oscilate

    oscilate Well-Known Member

    If this wasnt a pro life forum, I would give you an honest answer.

    I'll just say that you shouldnt do it.
  13. rostova

    rostova Member

    Hi, Alison. A few things: One, you are definitely NOT the burden you think you are. I know so many people who go to grad school for years and years and years and live off their parents well into their thirties! Your parents are probably happy and proud of you for furthering your education. Heck, even if you were a drug addict who dropped out of 3rd grade, your parents would WANT to take care of you and do whatever they could. That's what parents do.

    Your parents brought you into this world because they wanted a little dependent creature to nurture and support. On some level, they might even be secretly happy that you still need them. Maybe your other siblings no longer need them at all. Parents - the loving ones, at least - like to feel needed. The best thing you can do is take full advantage of their support and study in school, and be happy, and get involved with your campus and so forth. You won't have access to a campus forever! It's a great place to be compared to a lot of workplaces. It sounds like you have a loving and supportive family who would be devastated to hear that you don't feel worthy of their support!

    EDIT: Whoops, I didn't read your follow-up post. So your siblings are younger. So what? You're TWENTY-TWO. That sounds like a child to me, since I'm a few years older. :) I know people who graduated from college in their late twenties. You're about a decade too young to worry about being too needy with respect to your parents. As for the bingeing/purging, I suspect that may be your most difficult obstacle right now. You should definitely get that addressed with professional help. (I had an eating disorder for a number of years, so I'm not implying that it's easy to overcome.) I'm sorry to hear about doing poorly in your classes, but you can always retake things. Perhaps you can get tutoring and attend office hours with the TAs and such? Maybe draw up a schedule of things you need to do for classes. The important thing is earning a degree, however long it takes you. Your grades won't matter 20 years from now--but having that degree will be a great thing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2010
  14. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    thanks for taking the time to read my thread. your replies are comforting.

    I don't know what else to say though, I still want to escape so badly. I wish there was a way to do it without causing so much suffering on others who don't deserve it.
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