Being Realistic?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MileEater, Feb 18, 2011.

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  1. MileEater

    MileEater New Member

    This is my first post here. Anywhere for that matter.

    I made a mistake. It's not a mistake very many people are willing to try to understand. I lived in Europe for many years. My company failed and I was forced to return in 2001. I had nothing. Note true, I had $90K in credit card debt my second wife had left me. None of it was mine. I could have declared bankruptcy but I didn't believe it would be responsible of me. When I returned my first wife was kind enough to let me live in a tiny spare room she had. She fed me too. I have an older sister who sent me enough money for gas so I could go to job interviews. They did all this for me even though they new I had married for a 3rd time. With no job and no money I could not get her a Visa and bring her to this country. It took me two years to find my first contracting job.

    During those two years I spent hours every morning sending resumes and filling out on-line job applications. I tried many times for minimum wage jobs but no one would hire someone so over qualified. I played hour after hour of computer games too. My email was always full of spam from porn sites. Sometimes I would open it. I had no money or credit cards, so there was no question of joining one of them. Besides, I'm morally opposed to supporting such a sleazy industry by providing them funding. One day I was looking through what is known as news for job postings. There are many news groups where people post porn. It is free. I became interested. I was never compulsive, really. It was just another thing added to my long days of applying for work, watching TV, cleaning house, and playing video games. Sometime later I found out about peer-to-peer file sharing. And I got some porn from there too. Something most people don't know about peer-to-peer is you don't know what you will get until you have it. You might want pictures of the Eiffel Tower and get pictures by Van Gogh. Some of the porn I got was disgusting, revolting.

    I finally got a job. My wife and I have worked very hard, sometimes working two jobs, to build our life here together. My interest in porn was almost zero. Months might go buy without ever having any interest at all. Before I go further, I never shared anything, ever. My own interest was still sleazy and I wanted to be sure that nothing I could / would do would ever in any way contribute to fostering it.

    From time to time I downloaded videos, very softcore, that probably included girls who were under eighteen. An example would be two girls tossing a ball back and forth in bikinis. Maybe once in a while topless.

    However once in a while you'd still receive something disgusting too. I was revolted and always deleted it.

    I am 60 years old now. I have a good job. Nothing saved for retirement, mostly because I've been very generous in my life. I don't regret helping others. I'm grateful I was able to do so.

    Last April my home was invaded in a most violent manner possible. If I described the details you would be shocked. Few people in this country believe the police can be so violent and disrespectful. They confiscated my computers. I honestly didn't even know what was there, hadn't looked in months. I have no reason to lie here, no reason to slant or minimize my wrongs or my defects in character.

    They were federal agents. There are prosecutors who are easy to work with, mine is not. There are judges with some realistic compassion mine is not. They want me to spend the rest of my life in a medium security prison. It looks like it's going to happen soon too. There is no appeal possible, no defense. My life is over now. Everything my wife and I have worked for is gone. We pay for her younger sister to go to medical school, that will end now too. We will lose our home. Everything we own.

    I have life insurance, but it won't pay for suicide. But I also have AD&D so I can try to have an accident.

    My childhood was full of abuse. I was beaten almost every day. I had broken bones. At one point some older boys tried to hang me. I remember fighting, and losing my tennis shoes as they lifted me off the ground, a noose around my neck. Today I still have two herniated disks in my neck from that attack. I lost consciousness and was saved when an adult saw what was happening. As an adult I've had surgery several times to repair damage they did to my internal organs.

    I've met with people who have spent time in medium security federal prisons. I've heard the same thing from each person. The guards are sociopaths and sadists. There is no oversight at all. Beatings are frequent. At any time they can move you to general population at a maximum security facility. They need no excuse, just because they thought you look at them wrong.

    My wife and I have the best relationship any couple has ever had. After more than ten years we are still deeply in love. My children are grown and they also love me very much.

    I am caught between two forces, I cannot take my life because I cannot bear to cause such grief for my loved ones. But they will have grief anyway knowing I am so abused and beaten in prison. Neither can I face going to prison, returning to the conditions of my childhood is impossible for me. The pressure is greater each day. At some point somethings going to happen.

    I've told two of my closest friends and they have turned their backs on me. They cannot accept that I'm not a pedophile. The truth is it's impossible for me to hurt anyone, child or adult, dog or cat. I have had depression all my life, my pdoc is no help. She's always looking for an excuse for a 72 hour hold. It would do no good, but she doesn't care does she? Just go through the motions. I sometimes talk with my wife but it is too upsetting for her, so I just keep it all in.

    My life is over, either way.... I will do something but I don't know what

    Thanks for reading (I guess)

    By now you probably believe I deserve anything I get, maybe you are right.
     
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Normally i have no trouble responding to posts, but i have yours.
    Maybe there is a little information you are holding back????
    In order for this sentence to be possibly handed down to you, exactly what evidence did your prosecutors have?
    Have you sought help for this?
    Do you think you have done wrong? For i see no direct sorrow within your post.
    Im sorry that your childhood was full of abuse and bullies. We all have to look inside ourselves and live with our past, we must also try to be better people if we can.
    I hope you can find support here, I hope you can see there is always a tomorrow, and one we can use for change and learning, caring and being kind to ourselves and others.
    Good Luck.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry...sounds like you were caught up in some kind of sting...is there any chance of an appeal? Please keep fighting for yourself...yes, you family will suffer considerably more without you...and please keep posting...we are to support you...J
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you need a better lawyer, a defense is def. possible as is an appeal. if you are honest about what you downloaded (and i believe you are) then you can make a case that it wasn't inappropriate. if you aren't being honest with us then you have to face the consequences of your actions. either way, suicide is not an option. it will just make you seem guilty regardless of whether you are or not. do you want to pass that on to your partner? it would be too unkind.
     
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