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Being shallow blocking off my true feelings

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by GaiaMischief, Jul 4, 2008.

  1. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    So I've been having a bit of a bizarre situation that's been making me very depressed this past week. There's a girl that I've known for about three month,s met her online, though we have seen each other in real life since we live only 40 minutes away from each other. I consider her a good friend and we have a lot of fun together. But I really only considered her as a friend, I was not attracted to her at all due to a variety of reasons.

    A week ago she had a serious break down in her relationship and broke up with the guy he was dating in a long distance relationship. He seemed to be to be a huge asshole, considering the reason he didn't want to be with her anymore was she didn't want to have a threesome with him. She's not depressed about it, happy to be rid of it. The thing is she completely spilled her guts to me and only me, and was being extremely forward with me about everything. At that point we really connected and I noticed a lot we had in common dealing with problems and how we viewed life.

    So I started becoming attracted her as a person. She's someone that I really think I'm going to eventually fall for in the emotional sense. The problem is I have no real physical attraction to her...and that to me is such a crucial part of a relationship. So I'm sitting here, becoming depressed every time I'm around her because I'm hating myself for being so shallow because I know I'm completely into this girl as a person. And also because I know I'm gonna have to decide too because in my view she's been continually flirting with me and dropping a lot of hints these past two weeks that she's attracted to me in both a physical and emotional sense. I feel like even if I left this alone to think about it eventually she'd approach me with this and I'd have to tell her something.

    I'm also having moral qualms about the age gap (She's nearly 17, I'm 20). In a legal sense I wouldn't really care because I'd be fine with staying abstinent since I'd obviously be dating her based on who she is as a person, and I'm sure she would be fine with that too. But still...I can just imagine what her parents would say when they're hearing that their 16 year old daughter is dating a 20 year old in university. Though it's not like I look like a 21 year old...I still look like I'm in high school to be honest.

    I really can't catch a break, I've been looking for a girl who's liked me enough to want to connect with me for years but the second I do my retarded shallowness stops it cold. I was so happy for awhile too after I heard I got into my film program at my university. Now I'm feeling extremely down and worried about where I should go from here, as well as being a bit self-loathing about myself and how I place so much value in physical beauty. I feel like if I go forward with my emotional feelings and try to have a relationship I'll always have it in my head that I can't be happy with someone who isn't attractive to me and I'd end up hurting her. If I say no and move on, I feel like I might be giving up a true chance at love.

    At the very least it was nice to get that all off my back...
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hm why not consider just being close friends with this girl? If you are not attracted to her and would be staying abstinent anyway, there really wouldn't be that much of a difference if you were going to date her or just be friends.

    Maybe she is not right for you if you are not attracted to her. I don't think that is shallow, and there's nothing wrong with that. Whenever I like a girl, there is always physical attraction that follows. If there is not physical attraction I know it is not romantic feelings.
  3. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your post.

    I really just want to give it more time...I've only really seen this girl once due to our distance and I'd like to hang out with her more in person before I say I'm never going to be attracted to her. But I definitely know I'm on the potential path to falling in love with her as a person...and I'm someone who thinks love can exist in just emotions and not be friendship. I'm just worried that I'm not going to get that time before she might rush me into making a decision because she likes me.

    And I'd only be staying abstinent hypothetically until she turned 17 and it became legal. I just really was mentioning that so people didn't think I was someone that goes after really young girls, and that I value emotional benefits out of a relationship more than physical.
  4. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    We can't help who we are attracted to (or not for that matter)... just because we love someone as a friend doesn't automatically mean we should fancy them. I'd just see how it goes, and don't blame yourself for your feelings.
  5. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    Age diff aside...What jumped out at me was about her being flirtatious with you...After being dumped for such a ridiculous reason, I'd guess her self esteem is in the pits....She may be attracted to you honestly or she may just be acting out, knowing that shes safe with you, so she may be trying to validate her attractiveness overall....I could be very very wrong about it, this is just what I picked up from your post.
  6. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    To be honest, she's been doing this before she broke up with him. Complimenting me a lot about stuff like my voice and my appearance, and being VERY forward about it. While I felt flattered by it, I really just wrote it off because I didn't even have a serious emotional connection with her at the time. The flirting only just picked up a lot when she broke up with him. I think if she is attracted to me she has been since we met.

    I don't think I've really seen her enough to judge yet whether this is just a really close friendship or something else. I'm just getting anxious that I'm going to get an IM one of these days with her telling me that she has feelings for me...especially after we made such a good connection in regards to talking about her break up...and I'm not gonna know what to say.

    To be honest, I'm not even sure if I know if I am attracted to her or not. I'm beginning to think I'm letting my friend's standards of who is acceptable to date play into my judgment. I sometimes have it in my head that I'm choosing girls that my friends wouldn't laugh at me for dating. Which is obviously wrong, I mainly think like this sometimes because I saw them brutally scathe one of our former friends who was engaged in a long distance relationship with someone who wasn't that attractive at all to us. So they made fun of him behind his back, and I had to listen to most of it, and it was some pretty nasty stuff. I realize they're probably not my friends if they ever did this, but it's hard to find those kind of friends who don't do that. I just really need time to sort my feelings out.

    EDIT: Also, and thanks for your replies everyone. I get a lot of relief talking about this :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2008
  7. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Things are getting worse for me because as time has gone by she's become closer to me and I've become more convinced that I have no attraction at all to this girl...even though she's without a doubt my favorite person ever, personality wise.

    I'm feeling terrible, I've been in a bit of an apathetic state of mind the past two years, coming to terms with the fact that I'd never likely have a girlfriend due to how socially awkward I am. This sort of woke me up from that. I feel like I'm going to never meet anyone that I love and who loves me back.

    I've gone into crying spells recently when I'm alone now, am having a terrible time sleeping, and I'm getting anxious for no reason. I just wish something would fix this.
  8. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    if i was a girl id clone myself and marry all the lonely socially awkward people out there lol

    Its such an unfortunate barrier. you could be the nicest and most interesting guy but just the fact that you're socially awkward prevents you from meeting people. and in my experience socially shy people are often the nice, caring and humane (by that i mean knows how to be a human ie thinks and rejects harassing the terminal cancer kid) people.

    Im kinda in the same apathetic state with the same problem (difference being im not really apathetic more like a tad sad about it constantly). But I kinda also think that in the end, being a good person > social awkwardness.

    Also social awkwardness i think does go away gradually with help. I couldnt imagine id ever grow out of being too afraid to go shopping but having good friends and being around other nice people have really helped. (O and plus all the friends ive got stemmed from a sense of "hey y dont i invite this person/talk to this person cos he looks lonely/sad too and so it doesnt feel awkward"- ie being nice to ppl)

    and about ur friend ...id continue to have fun n hang out but set like a line on the flirting? And when she flirts maybe give her signs that she shouldn't be doing that...n hope she realises that you do want her as a friend but that you do have a line that she perhapes can't cross yet- the age gap may help with normalising that too

    Thats the best i can come up with. Actually the first thing i thought was- just be honest n tell her but thankfully some1 (iceebluesmurf) poined out that it would kill her self esteem and yea prolly wasnt a good idea. It'd be interesting what the other girls would think about this situaton n what you could do?
  9. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Thanks your your reply.

    I have grown out of it somewhat when it comes to social awkwardness...I was terrible in high school...but I still don't talk to many girls these days. When I was in college two years ago, I lived next door to some girls on my floor and ran into a run of good luck because we essentially lived together so I got to know them quite well whether I was nervous about it or not. I took one of them out "as a friend" to a hockey game where her favorite team was playing for the first time in 4 years. We got along great, and I even got to hold her hand on the way back to our residence. But I was so nervous that I never really talked to her in much detail again nor did I ever take her out again. Living right next to her made things uncomfortable for me. That's the closest I ever got to having somebody that I was attracted to and seemed to reciprocate. She's dating someone else now, and I still can't believe I gave up that opportunity.

    I just have had no experience with girls at all in my life to have any sort of confidence in meeting them. I am not in a position to meet them either, I have no job, I attend huge lectures, and I go to movies with a few of my friends. I go to bars occasionally too but I don't go to meet random girls and have one night stands...that's just not what I'm looking for. I can't meet girls through my friends, I just can't accept that mantra of introducing someone to a friend simply for the purpose of setting them up with a date. I want to meet someone as a friend, be attracted to them, and come to fall in love with them.

    So when I find someone that is attracted to me...and it's someone I really like as a person...it makes me want to hit something when something like physical attraction stops me short. I know I can't do anything because it wouldn't be real if there was no physical attraction on both sides.

    I just wish this girl's soul could have been in any of the people I've wanted to date in the past 4 years of my life. And again I'm gonna have to say something soon if she puts me on the spot...even though I do enjoy doing stuff with her so much :sad:

    Also my parents are starting to notice that I'm getting into a rutt again. I don't even know how to begin explaining this without making myself out to be a jerk, since these are people that come from the idea that if you date someone for their appearance you're being shallow and wrong. What do I say? "I thought I fell in love with a girl but I can't date her because she's fat"
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2008
  10. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Don't force yourself into positions, it sounds like you could use some time to yourself to heal your head and get some things sorted out. There is still plenty of time for relationships your not 50... and even then there are plenty of single females.
  11. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    yea im finding it hard to actually meet new ppl aswell. hte next and probably last major opportunity is i guess at work (uni is pretty much over for me). Im not the bar-hoppin type either and i'd feel really weird being set up with some1.

    im beginning to wonder how its possible for so many ppl to be married or have found some1 to be with cos to me it seems like such a miraculous thing- u have to love them, they have to love u back, u have to be compatible to some degree with each other your personalities have to be able to endure temptations from other people...but then again i guess that is if you want the "perfect" relationship...hmmm.

    ugh i should be writing my assignment.

    you could treat her like a friend and start dropping hints that you're not ready to cross the friend line yet without telling her why. or make up something-starting a relationship with a good friend is risky in itself cos if it doesn't work out then its hard to go back to being friends.

    you could encourage her to loose some weight? its definitely a good thing for a variety of reasons and if you do so as a friend then she mite be ok with it. like you two can go like jogging together? If you like her personality that much and the physical issue is something that can be changed (and worthwhile changing) then maybe its worthwhile hanging on to the possibility that you may start to like her physically if she changed and work towards that?
  12. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    I'm hoping I can find a way to say that. I'm just trying to say these things without hurting her since I get a sense her self esteem is likely non-existent right now, as you said. I'm feeling a bit better today...I'm going to see her this weekend for the first time in a while in real life so I'm looking forward to that.

    I'm hearing more about what this guy did to her. This wasn't the first time they broke up, he's apparently tried to dump her several times because of her weight. So it makes it all the more important that I be careful what I say.
  13. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    yea...its a sensitive topic...she has probably already realised it would be good to loose some weight too if thats the case.

    good luck~
  14. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Thanks...I had a minor panic attack today thinking about this, it's really messed my head up. Had trouble breathing and just had a huge flush of anxiety. I haven't had anything like this happen to me in years...I'm thinking about seeing a doctor but I don't know if it's major enough to warrant it...
  15. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    hmmm see if it happens again...if it becomes more frequent n intrudes on ur life then yea thats prolyl a good enuff reason to go n check it out.

    How you doin these days?
  16. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Alot's happened....whether it's a mistake or not I've fallen for her. She asked me to be her boyfriend and I said yes. I'm just too emotionally attached to her for this to just be a friendship. I've made my choice...I just hope it was the right one. Ever since we started seeing each other I'm more happy than I have ever been in the past 5 years....I guess only time will tell if I made a mistake. I do know I love her and that she cares more about me than anyone ever has before.

    EDIT: Although I am very happy...there's still an issue I've discovered of a friend of mine who also had deep feelings for this person that she rejected because she didn't want to have an ultra long distance relationship and in the end the age gap was too ridiculous (10 years). He has problems with depression. He's taking this really really hard....he feels like his heart has been broken and he's had problems with not being able to find love in the past. I just am feeling bad now for what I've done to him...even though I still of course would take this girl over anyone no matter the cost. I love her that much. I'm just scared I'm gonna wake up and hear he killed himself over this...I have no idea how I would deal with that...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2008
  17. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    These things cant be helped. it wasnt meant to be with him and her and he needs to deal with that- his unhappiness is not your fault its just the way things have turned out, and you dont need to blame yourself for any of it. feeling bad for him shows you are a decent human being and u can help him get through it if he and you are ok with that.

    and forget about wondering if u've made a mistake or not. just go n be happy for a change :)

    hope u two stay together~
  18. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Sorry for reviving an old thread....

    I haven't posted here in awhile because I've been so happy and content....but today this girl finally broke up with me. She thought I wasn't going anywhere in terms of a career...my drinking was troubling her...in general I don't think she felt the same way anymore. There's so much irony in this...I was thinking originally I wasn't going to be able to love her...but now I miss her so much. I still love her more than anything, and I fought so hard to get her back....but she thought it was for the best if we split. I told her I'd be here if she changed her mind...but I know she's made her decision...it's been two weeks and I know she isn't coming back.

    At 21 years old this was my first relationship, now I'm so fucking crushed. I thought I was going to be with this girl forever...I specifically was being this picky throughout my life because I wanted to be with someone that I had a good chance of being with for the rest of my life.

    I just want to end my life right now...I never want to get to the point where I "get over" this and am able to love someone else. I just was so sure that this girl was my soulmate...I can't believe a God exists after an experience like this...I don't want to live in a world where God is this cruel.

    I'm not sure what I'm going to do now...I'm hold up in my friend's apartment in Ottawa and have a ticket to return to my home on Friday...but I just want to run away. I don't want to live in a normal world anymore. I've already told my parents I'm not coming home. I know it's the old cliche...the first relationship is the worst...I'll get over it...but I don't want to. I really loved this person...this wasn't an infatuation or anything...I actually loved her.

    I'm just so fucking confused right now..I want to throw myself off the apartment floor right now. The only thing holding me back is that someday she might realize she's made a mistake. I just don't want to go back to the way i used to be...depressed all the time hoping for some salvation....temporary highs...I just can't do this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2008
  19. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about the bad news. It's totally understandable that your feeling this way.
    What if you do find someone who you fall in love with even more. You can never say never when in situations like your in now.
  20. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    good luck