Being sober is hard...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notwanting2live, May 13, 2009.

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  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Heya, sorry I aint been on for a while, since Ive been back, Ive just been finding it really hard, to be sober and clean. I havent selfharmed in about 6 weeks which is good, but ive been getting the urges to do it, and also to overdose, although if i do i will lose my gaf, as im in a half way house, and also i will get put back in a mental hospital again and i dont want that. Im just finding stuff hard, and i need help, I just cant ask. Its false pride I know but im just finding it hard. I thought it wouldnt be this painful. Im getting rejected from jobs becuase of my mental health and also because Ive been in rehab for 8 months, so i just dont know if its just easier to get drunk and forget everything. Sorry for the rant, dont really have the right to as I havent been on for ages, but i just need 2 get it out.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You do have the right to post though, just as much as anyone else does.

    Congrats on being SI free for six weeks. I know the urges are frustrating, and it's great that you're doing your best to fight them. Have you tried any distraction techniques? Sometimes they can help.

    It's okay to ask for help. You're doing really well, but it's not easy out there. I know sometimes it may feel like it would be easier to slip into old habits, but (and I'm sure you already know this) that will only make things worse in the long run.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What wonderful news to hear how much work you have done for yourself...take things in small steps and find comfort and tx, counselling, whatever works for you...being sober is so difficult and yet, so rewarding...continued success and please continue to let us know how you are...big hugs, J
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Please stop being so hard on yourself. Firstly be so so proud of yourself for taking the steps to go sober. Very difficult to do and yet you did!!!! Secondly you havent selfharmed for a long time now. So when the urges come think about how good it has felt not to be adding new scars. How hard you have worked to get to this place. Please let yourself be proud of the very difficult things you have accomplished. As for not having the right to rant? You have just as much rights as any other member here. This site is all about supporting others. Not rated on who posts the most or has the worse situation. Everyone here frequently or not is entitled to support if they want it or not (lol). And it is important that you reach out when you feel yourself slipping back to old habits. Trying to deal with those urges and thoughts alone is almost futile. So let others hear all about it and help if we can. You've worked so hard to get this far and the road ahead is not going to be easy for a while yet. You may slip or struggle but you are still trying!!!! So please post as much as you can or want and let others know when you need a hand to hold on!!!
  5. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys, its helped. Its hard, especially becuase all my mates are still drinking, and becuase i cant be around them, Im losing them as friends. It dont help that one of my friends is moving to surrey at the end of the month and she wants me to go to her leaving do.. i really do wanna go but i cant just simply because its too tempting. Im also finding it really hard, becuase on sunday its a year i was raped, dont know if u guys remember posting. The guy got a way with it, and he was allowed to go back to the UK the second day he was charged, but then the chargers was dropped, and Im finding it really hard. I havent slept properly in 9 nights, just simply coz I cant sleep as the nightmares and flashbacks, and i just want to forget the pain from it... sorry for the rant again. thanks for the support the last year or sp that ive been around. thanks i appreciate it so much.
    Xx Sky xX
  6. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    I feel like Im losing the plot again. Ive died my hair exactly same colour as I did last year, just before I was put in a mental hospital. I feel as if IM slipping, and I cant grab hold of anything. I wasnt menna do it. I feel as if im losing control again, and the only way to do that is to use one of my old behaviours. I hate not being able to control things around me, and I used to be able to do that by overdosing, or selfharming, but it was horrible to do just smply because I hurt everything and everyone that I cared for. I just sometimes wish I never got help, because I wouldnt no any different, whereas now I do. I know what I have to do, but I just find it so hard to do it. Life is so fucking hard. FUCK...
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know the urges are going to be so difficult to deal with at this going away party. But if this friend is special you should try to make it. You dont have to stay the whole night. Just show up, say your goodbyes to this friend and then leave. It might help if you carry around a bottle of pop, juice or water at all times. Or even better why not take this friend out for dinner or a movie or even just a nice dessert somewhere. You can even say up front that it is dutch treat so there isnt the added responsibility of finding the extra cash to do this. You get your chance to say good bye and do not have to fight the temptations.

    And you may feel like you're slipping hun but you have atleast one set of hands that are reaching out to grab you so you dont fall all the way. Here if you want to pm anytime. Say what ever you need to to get it all out.
  8. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Im veiwing somewhere today for a flat/ bedsit, and im really scared but this is my only option if i want to drink.. i have huge amount of respect for people who dont drink and who have been clean and sober for along time, but i just cant do it, im miserable either way and drinking numbs the pain abit. its been a really hard weekend and i cant stop thinking about suicide and no that i can actually do it, however becuase im sober i cant do it where i am because that is just disrespectful and rude as the place will be shut down and that just aint fair..
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Sky,
    You have been doing so good.. Try and remember the pride you felt when you got out of the hospital..I agree with Carla about keeping something other than alcohol in your hand..I would really hate to see you backslide to where you were eight months ago..You and me had some long talks and you were positive in attitude but scared going into the hospital..
    Staying dry is hard.. I have been doing it for years now because of my meds..I slip everynow and then but moderation is the key..I don't let myself get wasted anymore..
    I really hope you can dig up the strength to fight those urges..Please what ever you do don't start self harming again..You should stay right where you are.. Your still weak and need the support and guidance you get from being there..Love Ya Sweetie!!
  10. Bobcat23

    Bobcat23 Member

    Can you ring anybody you trust?
  11. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    heya, i have problems trusting people at the moment. just simply because i dont know who is real and who isnt. I feel like im cracking up really badly. i viewed the property and accepted, but then i broke down talking to one of the counsellors from the rehab, just telling them that i just dont know what im doing anymore. i feel like the world is fake, and that im not even in it. im constantly feeling spaced out, and i dont know if that is becuase ive been ill, or if it is becuase like my old physchritrist told me that i do have BPD. i just dont know anymore. Im staying where i am, just simply becuase i trust the people there enough to lead me in the right direction, as they have helped me alot. i still really wanna self harm, and drink, and do gas, and stuff but i cant. coz it will just take me into a horrible place, although im already in a dark place at the moment. Joesph i cant do moderation, Im an alcoholic, once i have one, i have 2 have another, same with any chemical.
    Xx SKY xX
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Sky, could you please take a second to just breath. Sit down and look at how far you have come. Yeah it's hard as Hell right now. But it will get better.
    Baby steps right? You cant take major steps right now and expect them to all work out. There is no rush to get out on your own. Especially if it is just to help you return to your old habits. You have worked so hard to be where you are today do please hun just a little more work. The day will come when you can move out and on for the all the right reasons. But give yourself a well deserved break right now. Lean on those that have helped you this far. They have been there and will still be there tomorrow and the next day. And if you are willing to listen to them they will also be able to better judge when you are ready to start moving on.
    Have you spoken to these people about why you want to move out? Are you able to tell them the same things you just posted here? I know it means showing your weakness but again hun, that is why they are there. They understand all that you are going through and will give you much needed advise to help you get past this demon too.
    You dont nor cant be strong right now.You need to be led rather than take the lead. You will know when you can be strong again. But until then take it easy on yourself. You have overcome the hardest obstacle of all.... you recognized that you have a problem and that you want help to change that. So give yourself a well deserved pat ont he back for all that you have accomplished so far. Be proud of yourself cuz you should be!!!! And take all the help that is there for you. Might even help with settling your thoughts and fears a litlle.
    Another thing to consider is maybe talking to your pdoc about reviewing your meds too. With all the trauma and changes in your body it may help to have your med dosages or even the meds themselve changed. Keep moving forward Sky. You have a lot of people here that are there to catch you if you start to fall. Keep posting and letting us know what is happening. More than glad to help anyway we can.
  13. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    Yea, its hard for me to stay sober too. I mean, I don't get super drunk everyday, but I do get drunk everyday. I don't use any strong drugs like pills and crack
  14. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    thanks guys for the help, yeah i have told them that the reason why i want to leave is to drink, and i have also told them its because i just want to run and hide, and cant face reality. ive told them all this, and they are really trying their hardest to support me, and its just hard to take that support sometimes, because i just dont know what to do. I am having a 1-2-1 counselling session with the counsellor i have already mentioned, simply because im having a hard time coming to the terms that its been a year since i was raped and stuff, as it was really messing my head up pretty much all the time, and also it had been affecting my sleep. they are thinking of referring me to a an abuse counsellor, to deal with stuff.
    thanks guys for the support, i really do appriciate it. I still havent self harmed which i am shocked with as ive really wanted to do it, but ive been thinking about the last 2 weeks.
    Xx Sky xX
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