I am new here, but I want to tell my story a bit. My life wasn't bad until I was 17 and developed a severe mental illness. During this illness I had alot of delusions and as a result acted very inappropriately. Basically I experienced a severe combination of humiliation, unemployment, sexual abuse, abandonment and abuse by authority figures for about 4 years. Really, really, really bad stuff and it is so esoteric that I don't even know how to describe it. When I recovered from my illness I became deeply, deeply suicidal. This was about 6 years ago. I spent a whole year deeply suicidal. After a year I decided 'you know, I'm probably going to live to be 80 so I don't want to be an unemployed, embarassing, suicidal pity case my whole life'. So I signed up for college. Suicidal ideation still plagued me. Life got alot better. I became better at socializing, I made friends for the first time since I went mentally ill (when I was ill I had no friends), I learned how to read social cues, how to interact, etc. However I originally started as major X, but flunked the program at the end of 2003. I became suicidal again, but by around March of 2004 the suicidal ideation was back to its backburner status. I changed majors to something else. I just graduated college with my B.S. degree in may and the suicidal ideation is back with a vengeance. It has really hit hard in the last few months. And it hurts because I know that no matter what I do with my life, it will always be there. Everytime there is a major life change, the ideation comes back. Seeing a therapist doesn't really help. Besides, its not like you can be honest with one about this kind of thing. I feel like I have seen a side of life that is so horrifying, so traumatic, so terrifying and so abusive that I feel life really isn't 'that' worth hanging onto. So I worry that if things go bad its right back into suicidal ideation. And I don't want my life to be that way but what can you do to change it right? I'm not going to commit suicide, it would hurt other people. But I don't like this. I don't like the fact that I've experienced pain and horror so deep that life isn't really worth hanging onto. That is how I feel. If everything is going fine then the ideation is a minor issue or non-existant (I was barely suicidal from 2005-2007, whatever ideation I had was minor), but once something major happens it comes right back. This is not a life. I decided several years back to never have children because I don't want to subject them to the mercurial horrors that are possible in this life. Life can be beautiful, and it can be a horror show. Its just so hard, knowing that I will be 40 someday and still suffering from thoughts of suicide because of what happened when I was a teenager. It'll never go away, I just have to learn to deal with it. And it sucks so bad. I wish I knew how to tell someone about this in person but I don't know how. Life shouldn't be this way, life should be fun. It should be a pleasant experience. We shouldn't have to think about suicide but we do. We shouldn't have to avoid having kids but we do. I don't know where I'll end up in life, but I'm hoping my life is stable and supportive enough that I end up having few/no ideation thoughts. But again, even if I do obtain that once a wrench is thrown in the gears it is right back to step one. Like I said (not for pity, I seriously mean it), when you experience severe abuse and horror life loses alot of its value and luster. The desire to hang on that 'normal' people seem to have just goes away and you realize 'eh its not worth living anyway'. But I want my life to be worth living. The problem is, its not with al the abuse I've had. Its only worth living when things are going great. Once they go bad, Its right back to step one. Hell things didn't even go bad. I graduated from college. How is that things going bad? But I'm just as suicidal as I was when I recovered from a mental illnes and as I was when I flunked my first major. That is 3 bouts of severe ideation in 6 years. At this rate, that is about 5 a decade, or about 18 more bouts before I retire at 65. This fing sucks. I want life to be so safe, so enjoyable, so productive and so free of horror that it is worth living. The problem is it isn't. And when a wrench is thrown in the plans or I experience a life change, I just start thinking about suicide again because I guess deep down I figure its not worth living anyway. Like I said, I'm not going to commit suicide, but sadly because of abuse and pain I don't have the same desire to 'pull through' when the going gets tough. It is like trying to captain a beaten, leaky vessel. Once you run into a problem your first thought is 'I'm not struggling to save this piece of crap, I'm just going to abandon ship". That is how I feel about life sadly. Once something happens (good or bad) I'm basically responding by saying 'its not really worth going on or muscling through this', because its not. What the hell kind of life is that? I look at people like John Edwards, who I really admire. He was an attorney, and when his son died unexpectedly he became involved in politics and helping poor people. His wife has also survived stage IV cancer. Alot of families would disintegrate into divorce, alcoholism and misery but Edwards turned his misery into a passion to improve the world. I want to be like that. But right now my horrors and terrors just make me feel that life isn't worth hanging onto. Someday I'd like my horrors and terrors to motivate me to improve the world by any means necessary. I admire people who walk through horror and become better because of it. I feel like I've just lost interest in living because of mine.