Being suicidal sucks

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mike Meyers, Aug 16, 2007.

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  1. Mike Meyers

    Mike Meyers Member

    I am new here, but I want to tell my story a bit.

    My life wasn't bad until I was 17 and developed a severe mental illness. During this illness I had alot of delusions and as a result acted very inappropriately. Basically I experienced a severe combination of humiliation, unemployment, sexual abuse, abandonment and abuse by authority figures for about 4 years. Really, really, really bad stuff and it is so esoteric that I don't even know how to describe it.

    When I recovered from my illness I became deeply, deeply suicidal. This was about 6 years ago. I spent a whole year deeply suicidal. After a year I decided 'you know, I'm probably going to live to be 80 so I don't want to be an unemployed, embarassing, suicidal pity case my whole life'. So I signed up for college. Suicidal ideation still plagued me.

    Life got alot better. I became better at socializing, I made friends for the first time since I went mentally ill (when I was ill I had no friends), I learned how to read social cues, how to interact, etc.

    However I originally started as major X, but flunked the program at the end of 2003. I became suicidal again, but by around March of 2004 the suicidal ideation was back to its backburner status. I changed majors to something else.

    I just graduated college with my B.S. degree in may and the suicidal ideation is back with a vengeance. It has really hit hard in the last few months. And it hurts because I know that no matter what I do with my life, it will always be there. Everytime there is a major life change, the ideation comes back. Seeing a therapist doesn't really help. Besides, its not like you can be honest with one about this kind of thing.

    I feel like I have seen a side of life that is so horrifying, so traumatic, so terrifying and so abusive that I feel life really isn't 'that' worth hanging onto. So I worry that if things go bad its right back into suicidal ideation. And I don't want my life to be that way but what can you do to change it right?

    I'm not going to commit suicide, it would hurt other people. But I don't like this. I don't like the fact that I've experienced pain and horror so deep that life isn't really worth hanging onto. That is how I feel. If everything is going fine then the ideation is a minor issue or non-existant (I was barely suicidal from 2005-2007, whatever ideation I had was minor), but once something major happens it comes right back.

    This is not a life. I decided several years back to never have children because I don't want to subject them to the mercurial horrors that are possible in this life. Life can be beautiful, and it can be a horror show.

    Its just so hard, knowing that I will be 40 someday and still suffering from thoughts of suicide because of what happened when I was a teenager. It'll never go away, I just have to learn to deal with it. And it sucks so bad. I wish I knew how to tell someone about this in person but I don't know how. Life shouldn't be this way, life should be fun. It should be a pleasant experience. We shouldn't have to think about suicide but we do. We shouldn't have to avoid having kids but we do.

    I don't know where I'll end up in life, but I'm hoping my life is stable and supportive enough that I end up having few/no ideation thoughts. But again, even if I do obtain that once a wrench is thrown in the gears it is right back to step one. Like I said (not for pity, I seriously mean it), when you experience severe abuse and horror life loses alot of its value and luster. The desire to hang on that 'normal' people seem to have just goes away and you realize 'eh its not worth living anyway'. But I want my life to be worth living. The problem is, its not with al the abuse I've had. Its only worth living when things are going great. Once they go bad, Its right back to step one.

    Hell things didn't even go bad. I graduated from college. How is that things going bad? But I'm just as suicidal as I was when I recovered from a mental illnes and as I was when I flunked my first major. That is 3 bouts of severe ideation in 6 years. At this rate, that is about 5 a decade, or about 18 more bouts before I retire at 65. This fing sucks.

    I want life to be so safe, so enjoyable, so productive and so free of horror that it is worth living. The problem is it isn't. And when a wrench is thrown in the plans or I experience a life change, I just start thinking about suicide again because I guess deep down I figure its not worth living anyway.

    Like I said, I'm not going to commit suicide, but sadly because of abuse and pain I don't have the same desire to 'pull through' when the going gets tough. It is like trying to captain a beaten, leaky vessel. Once you run into a problem your first thought is 'I'm not struggling to save this piece of crap, I'm just going to abandon ship". That is how I feel about life sadly. Once something happens (good or bad) I'm basically responding by saying 'its not really worth going on or muscling through this', because its not. What the hell kind of life is that?

    I look at people like John Edwards, who I really admire. He was an attorney, and when his son died unexpectedly he became involved in politics and helping poor people. His wife has also survived stage IV cancer. Alot of families would disintegrate into divorce, alcoholism and misery but Edwards turned his misery into a passion to improve the world. I want to be like that. But right now my horrors and terrors just make me feel that life isn't worth hanging onto. Someday I'd like my horrors and terrors to motivate me to improve the world by any means necessary. I admire people who walk through horror and become better because of it. I feel like I've just lost interest in living because of mine.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2007
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You show a desire to live despite the feelings and that is a good thing. As long as you do not act on the ideations you have as an impulse. You can be honest with a therapist about things like this. You mentioned that therapy didn't seem to work for you. Well it won't if you are not honest because they don't get the true picture. Congratulations on finishing your degree. That is an accomplishment to be proud of. Many people have suffered various forms of abuse. some seem more horrendous than others, but so many are survivors. You appear to be one of those survivors. i hope that someday the ideations and feelings go away for you and you can find that freedom you desire. :hug:
  3. markc

    markc Active Member

    Mike, keep fighting.

    They say that suicidal behavior is a (mental) illness, but I think it's more like a virus. Once you "catch" it, it's with you for the rest of your life. I've only attempted once, and I don't plan to try again, but I'll think of myself as a "suicide" until the day I die. I've alienated most of my close friends, strained my marriage, jeopardized my career, given up my favorite pastimes, and impacted my health because of my own issues. In spite of all that, I intend to keep forging ahead and looking for the silver linings, no matter how faint.

    I know that you can do this too. I've seen you express it in your post. I believe that you've already reached the point where you can save yourself. Be strong, and remember that, if things get bad again, there will always be people here that care about you and want to help.

    (BTW, I'm 51. If I can make this far, so can you.)


    - Mark
  4. flatline5150

    flatline5150 Member

    I hear ya Mark. I am 31 years old and I can't remember how many times I have wanted to take myself out. I had a major backslide today. I feel like I am suffering. It seems like my reasons for staying around any longer are fading away. This has been the worse episode yet. Like you said life should be "fun". Believe it or not I love life but society really fucks that up in a major way. We are all owned and commanded to live the life the government has set out for us from birth. We are not free whatsoever. I will sit here and blame other ppl because they are to blame! I can not follow the "herd mentality" so I am automatically shunned. Anyways, we gotta keep the wheels rollin' I suppose. I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I'll go, maybe I'll stay and wish upon a fuckin star buddy.. I am bored with the thought of suicide and life altogether. I can only hope I accidentally get killed so I won't go to hell for doing it myself. Thanks for letting me write all my bullshit down...:dry:
  5. markc

    markc Active Member

    Boy, am I TOTALLY on board with that idea. I wish for that at least 3 - 4 times a week.
    Remember, one man's "bullshit" is another man's prose. Sooner or later, we ALL post bullshit here. :cool:


    - Mark
  6. Mike Meyers

    Mike Meyers Member

    Yeah. I would say my episode now is the 2nd most serious of my life. The most serious was for about 10 months after I started recovering from a mental illness 7 years ago (to suddenly have your delusions ripped away and forced to confront that you are unemployed, seriously ill, borderline homeless, embarassing and uneducated is hard).

    I haven't really had any mental health problems in the last 7 years (lucky me, I think I just had one episode) but graduating college and feeling thrust into the real world has really triggered severe suicidal ideation in me. I probably think about suicide 50-100 times a day. Back in 2006, for example, I probably thought of it once a month and it was fleeting.

    I have started eating healthier, taking various vitamins for brain health (b vitamins, selenium, methyl donors, magnesium, etc) and exercising. I realize this is a time when my brain is under severe stress and I have to take excellent care of it if I want to make it through. I'm hoping these changes make a difference. It has been 2 days and I think it is making some difference. I cannot give my brain junk food, not exercise and deprive it of nutrition and expect it to be able to handle what I am going through right now.

    I broke down crying several times today too. I realize on some level that this is just a 'phase' and as I adjust to the work world I wll become less suicidal, but its not a phase. Whenever life throws me a curveball or I experience a major transition I am going to go right back to being suicidal. So its not a phase. It is a permament part of my psyche. Like markc said, it is like a retrovirus. It builds its way into the fabric of your being and gets set off by various factors. Like shingles, it can lie dormant then explode, then go dormant again, then explode. A lifelong illness that can be triggered anytime.

    I have dreams and goals. I want a career doing medical research. I want to watch the world cure severe poverty and famine (we may end world hunger by the 2020s). I want to be around for the explostion of nanotechnology and biotechnology in the coming decades. I want to see my brother's kids grow up. I want to do my part to make the world safer, smarter, healthier, more education and a better place. For a species of apes whose bodies and brains were created by a series of accidents and mistakes, we aren't doing too bad. Not too great either, but I feel the trend for humanity is upward towards moe freedom, more health, more income.

    But right now I'm just a crumbling ball of suicidal ideation and even though I know in time it'll pass, right now it is pretty bad. With the other example I talked about earlier, with the 7 years ago, I actually wanted to die. I wanted to die. Now, I don't want to die. I want to live, I just don't know how to cope with what is going on around me. In alot of ways that is an improvement. Back then I was suicidal and wanted to die. Now I am suicidal and want to live. I just want a life that is free of major curveballs and has some stability to it.

    I wish I knew how to tell people around me how hard a time I am having but I don't know how.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2007
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