Being there for my husband

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by tryingtostayafloat, Oct 13, 2011.

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  1. I am the spouse of someone (Paul) who tried to commit suicide. I called the police in Canada and they contacted the Ohio police and located him and brought him to safety. He is still has been in hospital for over a week. I have told him I love him and will support him. But, I am having problems on my own and don't have anyone to talk to and don't want to burden him. Our marital problems have been ongoing for 13 years. He doesn't talk to me and now I discovered that he hides himself in a room and drinks. His work threatened to fire him. He remembers the abuse in his family and it is all coming up now. He has told everyone that I am not to blame. When I called his family to tell them what was happening, they said "it is all your fault". When I looked to my friends and told them that I would make sure that Paul was safe but that I couldn't handle being with him right now until he gets some help, they stopped talking to me. My brother has called me a bitch. When Paul was thinking of killing himself, he called his friend to say good-bye and say that he loved him. He didn't call me. Neither when he tried this a few months ago. I feel very very selfish. But, I am confused. I am trying to keep the house going, dealing with his employers, going to work, fought with the insurance company to get coverage, and I am doing this all alone. I have no person that I can lean on. I am protecting my mother. When Paul is released, I have offered to move out of the house because I want him to know that this is not a property thing. I am not fighting for possessions. He has the ultimate in care: his family, his friends, the doctors. I want him to get the best, but in the meantime I am angry at being blamed and judged and criticized and being expected to be strong and never say anything about what I need. What I need is my husband to rely on himself and live up to his responsibilities without my having to mother him. I cannot do it anymore. It has been 13 years of my babysitting him making sure that he gets his work done on time. He has a good job and has been shirking his duties (not his fault, but because of fear of failure) for years. I cannot carry the load anymore.
    The big question: when he is released from the hospital, am I selfish to ask that we live apart? His family will judge very quickly and sadly, so will my friends.. any thoughts? Thanks
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    My thoughts are that if this is all too much for you then you need to get you
    some help to okay You get a psychologist to help you deal with all this emotional scarring you are having. Perhaps marriage councilling as well as seperate therapy will help both of you heal With regards to living apart that you can also ask your therapist what would be best okay. My thoughts are yes seperated and look after YOU now let him look after himself hugs to you
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I understand how hard this is for you ''tryingtostayafloat''
    My son was depressed and suicidal for a long, long time and it is extremely stressful to be in the position of trying to 'save' them and dealing with your own emotional turmoil as well....
    I lost my son.
    I agree with Total Eclipse that you should seek help for yourself....perhaps some counceling with your spouse might also help
    you can't help anyone else if you're not ok so take great care of 'you' ok *hugs*
  4. Thank-you all for reading and replying. I am hearing that considering my needs is not evil, and that, maybe, my husband can handle it. I wanted to hear from 'real' who live and breathe and feel, and not just from people who are close to me and judge or have their own agenda. Thanks, I'm beginning to feel a little more human again. I hope that you are all taken care of with troubles....
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Welcome, you're in a good place. I'm new here also. I'm not sure whether this cocept came from here or maybe a therapy meeting, but consider your supply of compassion, energy and wellness as being in a well. As you withdraw a bucket, there is one less bucket within, and if not replenished, the may come a time when you can not respond to others, much less yourself. Sometimes self-equilibrium dictates that we take a rest, and allow our well replenished again, so that we truly have the energy and efficiency to help other.

    I hope for your peace, I feel you deserve it
  6. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hello Trying,

    If there is one thing you are entitled too, it is your own life. Seems to me you have every right to be angry. From what I read, it seems to be all about meeting your husband needs and there is not much in there for you. This is not an healthy relationship based on reciprocity. You don't seem to believe you have even a right to your share of the family assets. Your husband problems are his responsibility, not yours. He is not a dependent child. So far, he has not live up to his commitment to you because you spent your time mopping his mess. Unfortunately, we still live in a culture where there are remnants of sexism and women are expected to cater to everybody's needs but not their own. I would suggest to do what is right for you, even if this means standing your ground in face of family disapproval and loneliness for a time. And do not give up on your fair share of the family assets, you will need it to start your new life and you have every right to it.
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