believe in trust?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Nov 15, 2010.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    its always been an issue for me. i cant. i dont know who to trust. i think i do or pray that this time this person is the one to mean what they say.

    being here i thought i was starting to learn how to trust. so damn stupid. all i did was found those that needed pathetic like me in their lives to boost wahtever they needed boosted. and hurt me. each time deeper and deeper

    trust? shit i cant even trust myself anymore. i feel like im going to puke im so scared and confused. to me the only way is to eliminate myself cuz its never going to happen.. but i dont want to leave me kids. but my mind wont let even that be enough cuz even the kids play me. selfish but being told by the profesionals and others do for you, take care of you, well this is all i know.

    hope love trust none of it is ever going to happen for me and i cant keep living believing it will. it has been proven too many times it wont. i am stupid and a complete fool. cant stop being that so i need to die never put faith in anything ever again. sorry but im to hurt to keep playing
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i gota stop thinking that others understand me here. past three years when i post inthis forum sui ide forum its my way of reaching out. trying to battle the loneliness that feeds the thoughts and urges to suicide. i cant just say help me. it feels too wrong because i have never deserved help here or in RL. but then i sit and wait and nothing. too much. cant do it alone cant make it alone either. sorry
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Trust not a good one for me either i learn to not trust because it was safer that way. You have tried and are still trying so hard to heal it will happen when it does don't push it okay. You know people do care for you sometimes they are just lost themselves in their own pain I think you would do well if someone would just be there to guide you through it all. My hope for you is that you find a good psychologist one that listens that sees and is able to get rid of that pain inside you. Healing has to start with you okay let the therapist help you okay thru the pain to the other side. that is the only way out of the insanity. i trust you as i know you will always do the right thing for your child i know that take care of you my friend.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You are holding on my dear friend without knowing it ..you are...
    I know you don't want to hurt your kids .. be proud of that..
    and you are allowed to ask for help.. shout it out...you deserve help..
    you're a kind caring person and you've helped me many times...I thank you for that ...now you need help..keep reaching out ok *hugs*
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's OK to ask for help. :hug:
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    my therapist is giving up on me friends have given up on me i cant do it anymore need to stop the hurt. thats all i know its whats i really am. dead ive stopped being so stupid and accept it. treated like shit means you are shit. time to throw it out cuz it stinks.

    "It's OK to ask for help".
    not over and over again and not know what to do with it.. sorry its meant for others more deserving that can move forward im right where i deserve
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your therapist is no good then if he gives up on his clients he is not a therapist then is he. Your friends that give up on you then are not your friends. mm
    True friends never walk away okay. You are not shit the odour you are smelling is coming from the shit around you the garbage that is around you but not you. You are the only beautiful being there and your soul radiates whether you see it or not it does. I see it and i feel it. Time to listen to me okay i know i can see you are so much more then you know. Don't give up on yourself Carla please listen never give up on you that is the one thing you have control of is the power to dig deep within yourself and say ffffff them all and get that anger and use it to get you better. You have that power do you hear me you have it use it okay I believe in you Carla i always have. take care my friend You are not giving up because i won't let you do that never will i let you give in to the likes of them
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    my therapist says hearing my "problems" isnt healthy for his recovery. so if i wont move forward he cant keep seing me. its not that i wont move forward. i cant. i dont knmow how anymore. i keep asking but told i cant teach you that you have to know how. im so tired all i want the magic wand that makes it all go away. that my friend only exists as suicvide. im grabbing that wand cuz i need it so bad.
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i see only beauty in you
    i see a gentle soul
    one of kindness and care
    one that is battered and full of pain
    yet able to send healing in her own special way
    do you know your words have saved many
    have caused my heart to cry
    god you know the sadness because you felt it
    so you do not judge with your eyes
    I see only a person
    who for no fault of her own
    life has abandoned her
    left her all alone
    You are not alone Carla
    never will that be
    because forever and ever
    a friend you will always have in me
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your therapist is an ass if he cannot show you how to heal sorry but that is the truth time to get a real therapist
     
  11. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    itmahanh
    i have been right where you are in trust and who to trust so your not alone here thats why i took a break to see whats what.i cant say it done me good or bad but it gave me time for me,violets right your therapist is an ass,if you could move forward you would right.
    if you ever need a chat pm me 2 doormats together right?
     
  12. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    wory about you ok i feel bad taking up your time dont know wht i want just what i need. cant stop it sorry
     
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    fucking triggers bad flashbacks you did nothing sorry just another hurtr that never went away. how do i be scared of someone ive never met but worry that maybe i did? im so fucked up right now!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i cant make any of it stop. ever. unless im dead. thats the only thng thats certain
     
  15. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    thats not true itmahanh
    im pm'ing you ok
     
  16. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    try hangin atround here little longer eyes so heavy cant type right antymore. brain fuzing up so promise not long. arms dont feel like mine loosing bits of time and so damn relaxed. sorry for wasting t=others time.
     
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    going feel like in slow moion . its working. jus like going for a good night sleep but wont have to wory bout tomorrow anymore.leyes soooo heavy nd cantthink anymore. bye wont b lonely now
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2010
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Geez hun are you ok? stupid question....

    call 911 if you've done something to yourself..

    think of your little boy.....

    ooohhh don't do this ...call for help now
     
  19. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    not in a good place at all. last night took my script painkillers and sleeping pills. then it all hit the fan and i just kept taking more. sorry. didnt realize i posted last 2 posts. my attempt is not goign to rely solely on oding, my systme is too resililent and hae to take well lets say alot. sorry but thankyou tothose concerned. i just come here at night to try and not be so alone. sorry.
     
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    damn the loneliness. its as bad as the need to suicde. if i wouldnt come here i would just get it over with. but i screw up that way. dont want to die alone, been alone with so many things in my life. dont want to end it that way too. but i think ive got a way to fix that now. dont feel like any of you need to hel[p. just come here so im not lonely. :arms:
     
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