It’s just one of those days I wish I had never come here I wish I’d never become this I wish I could destroy myself Without destroying my life. Mostly I just want a rest To turn off my mind To dislocate my heart To turn down the world A little space in which to catch my breath Before I plunge back in. I don’t want to swallow this handful of pills The pieces of round control That bind me to this version of myself And the beeping of my wristwatch. I don’t want to be tied To this panoptic discipline anymore. I pull my sleeves down Set a reminding alarm And become my own keeper. But I keep on with the routine Just in case The magic finally happens And a prescription finally teaches me how to live. I drown baby yellow And true blue In caffeine And wait, trying to shake myself awake So I can go on doing all the things I know I must do. I pick a book up out of the disorganization Flip to the piece the syllabus points me to “The Soteriology of the Underprivileged” I don’t know what it means And I don’t think I care. My eyes glaze. The proletariat will have to wait. Not that it matters anyway Academic gobbledygook That I don’t have the deftness of mind to comprehend. It has finally come clear to me I am a watcher not a doer. I will never develop theories which will save the masses Or cause men to start a war. I am many things But I will never be a bellwether. I stuck my hand in that pot once And I am well and thoroughly done. While unlikely to follow the flock off a cliff I am more than likely to wander off from the group And get eaten by a wolf. My, my grandma, what big teeth you have. I liked my illusions And to paraphrase Joni Mitchell I didn’t know what I had till it was gone. Ain’t it always the way? They’re not illusions if you know that they’re there. But they kept me good company anyway. There is no such thing as 'a disillusion.' Moments of disillusionment, yes, But they just leave a trail They don’t stick around.