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Beloved ones.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think I should've never tried finding support on depression forums.
    My mother passed away when I was a baby. So yeah, hard to grow up without your mum, even with a stepmother who's greater than you could ever wish for. She's not my mum. And nobody will ever replace her. Sure there are people who are like a mother to me, but nobody will ever replace her. Which is fine, and absolutely understandable.

    So yeah back in the spring of 2004 something happened which shook me up pretty bad, bad enough for me to go looking for methods online, and to end up at support sites for depressed and suicidal people.
    I should've never done that. Never should I have signed up at that site. It's where I met my best friend. Who killed herself later that year. it's been 4.5 years, and STILL I'm walking around with feelings of guilt in regards to her death. After all I made a promise. And couldn't keep it. now she's gone.
    I told myself never to make promises again which I couldn't keep. Yet I made another promise last year. Again I couldn't keep it. Thankfully it hasn't caused any deaths, but I'm now vowing to myself NEVER to make a promise... EVER again.

    3 years ago, few months before my final exams, I registered on SF. Again seeking for support as my friends in real life had lost all faith in me, and I'd lost my faith in them.
    Again, something I should've NEVER done. I made friends here. Some really close friends even. Two of those close friends have passed away last year.
    For Sarah, it's been nearly 5 months. I miss her :cry:
    For Gabe, it's been about 2.5 months. :cry: I miss her too.

    My best friend.. well that's been just over 4 years and 5 months. I miss her still :cry:

    I should've never looked for support on websites. The ones I didn't lose to death, I've lost due to my behaviour. Sometimes I wonder why I still go here. What if I lose another person I care for on here? I know I don't have many really close friends left on here, but I'd still be gutted if I'd lose any of the people I care for so much. Gutted is an understatement in that case, really.

    Right now, I try to think, the things I have gained here over the past years and which I still have.. outweigh the pain of that and those I've lost. But it's getting harder each day. Getting things thrown at me, which in all fairness, for the most part are true. As much as it hurts to have it all thrown at me, I know most of it is the truth. But I knew that after one time already. I do not need to have it rubbed in. And yes I know I deserve the hurt cos I've hurt plenty of people in my time here, and I have caused a lot more pain that I should have. But thing is, i can say whatever I want, it isn't gonna change the opinion of those that used to matter most to me. Y'all still matter to me, but all I feel is hurt when I think of you, because I hate being hated by those I have always valued most. And yes I know I deserve all this pain, as you said. It's not even half the pain I deserve.
    I thought about leaving, you know, in everyone's best interest. People didn't have to read my venting anymore then, and I wouldn't have to be reminded of all the hurt I cause then. But of course, that wouldn't be fair, as going on here, reading all the pain I've caused, being hurt by the pain I cause, is what I deserve.

    Of course the fact that the more y'all keep telling me how much of a .. well basically **** I am, and how much I hurt everyone and how much i play with people, and how much I pick the most vulnerable people only to try and push them to the edge.. The more y'all keep telling me that, the more insecure I get, and the more I feel like I really do not deserve to be with her. The more I feel I should break up with her because what if y'all are right? what if she's gonna be "the next" ??
    Thank god for still having some common sense. Thank god I am strong enough to know what I want. And you all. All of you who despise me so much right now, all of you who warn her for me. All of you who loathe me. Wait and see. In a few years when she and I are still going strong, even after all the shit that's being thrown at us from SEVERAL people and several places. Wait and see.

    I know I deserve to be hurt. I know I have done my share of hurting people. I know y'all think it is a game to me, I know y'all think I like to hurt everyone and I know y'all think I try and push people to the point of hurting themselves, on purpose. But think what you want. I know what the deal is. I know myself.

    Keep it all coming, throw it at me. I'll prove y'all wrong. Just you wait and see.

    I'm sick of losing those I love.

    PS - there, it's out. Someone dared me to say in public how much hurt I've caused people here, how much I've hurt people. And there we go. I don't care what y'all think anymore at this point. I know I'm a ****. and y'all can sit there and tell me I did it all on purpose. I know I didn't, and I can go around saying I didn't as much as I want, the people on this site will always believe whatever they want anyway, so I'm not even gonna try. There is no way I can ever make up for the hurt I've caused.
    And don't tell me to fuck off and leave the site. If you hate me, ignore me. or throw some more shit at me, for all I care. But leave HER out of it. Theré s no need to warn her for me cos she knows everything, I told her before we even got serious. Have a problem with me, then come to me. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. And if not, well why would you care. if you hate my guts why not come and kick me.

    PS 2 - Sorry, I'm angry. I know I can be unreasonable when I'm angry. Though I don't think I've being unreasonable here
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2009
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    :hug: you wont loose me hun, i love you to bits :hug:
    you can throw your worst at me, i'll still be here just you see.
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: here for you x
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Est..I'm sorry you've been hurt so many times. I'm always here for you x
  5. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    lol even when you try to apologise for the pain you've caused it still sounds very whingy and 'woe me'.

    you say you'll last a few years, yer? how many others have you said that to? you make plans, you make promises but you never follow them, face it.

    boo fucking hoo you've had a tough life, boo fucking hoo YOU'VE caused some of your closest friends to leave you but you haven't opened your eyes yet have you...if you love them so much then open your fucking eyes, change whats fucked them off and make it up to them, if they mean that much to you. Thats what it is with you est, its a cycle and it never ends, you make the same mistakes, you pull the same kind of people under and you push your closest friends away but you never do anything about it, you just break their trust and then fuck off, where are the endless ammount of apologies you owe them? It goes round and round, when is it gonna stop?

    Take this shit on the chin and quit moaning about it, you brought it on yourself.
  6. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Can you keep your personal arguements off of the forums?
  7. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    Can you take your own advice?
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I also forgot to mention, thanks for being there for me this past week..it means a lot to me :hug:

    You'll never push me away:tongue::arms:
  9. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Nobody deserves to be hurt. SF is supposed to be a place of help and support for us all. If someone is badmouthing you here they should f**k off and keep quiet.
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    If you get close to people from here, it's bound to happen that there will be fights, or arguements or anything you get with those close to you in real life as well. SF is like a mini-society. In real life there will be backstabbing, gossiping, badmouthing, love, friendship, fun, etc. You get it all on here too, once you get close to people.
    I know I've been guilty of all of the above :dunno:

    Nobody should fuck off just for badmouthing others on the forums. yes it's not a nice thing to do, but like I said, it happens. I've done it. There's enough of it on here at times. :dunno:

    PS I've calmed down now. lol.
  11. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Maybe saying they should fuck off was harsh. I just get fed up of people badmouthing each other. If someone can't be supportive and they want an arguement then a pm is a better place to do it rather than a public fight. Reading posts where people are slagging each other off isn't good for anyone. I know we can't get on with everyone but this is supposed to be a support forum. Love and peace.
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    True that.

    Love and peace, snowraven.

  13. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    just shows who's the better person over all hun :hug: love you loads
  14. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    lol the better person doesnt cheat on those they claim to love thats for sure
  15. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Again, can you please keep your negative thoughts off the forum?

    Ester has obviously identified that she has made mistakes in the past - Who can blame her? We all make mistakes and those of us who r smart (Est is an example) use those experiences to become a better person.

    Rather than continuing to haunt her with the past, y not encourage her to learn from it and move on? Alternatively, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all....espeically on a forum such as this one!

    Take care

  16. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    it's alright Shauna, let her say what she has to say.

    She's right. I've cheated in the past. There's been three different relationships in which I've cheated on the person I was with. I am not happy with the fact I did, I feel guilty over it, which I should feel.
    Every time again I told myself I wouldn't let anything like it happen ever again. I do not condone cheating, I do not think it's right. In NO case is it right. Period.
    As for the saying "once a cheat always a cheat"; I don't believe in it. Sure I have issues cos of which I ended up cheating on my partners in the past (don't get me wrong, I'm not using it as excuse, issues or not, I know bloody well that in the end i'm responsible for my own actions..), but I think I have beaten it, at least for the biggest part. Plus, in my defense, at least I've been honest about it. Whenever I got into a relationship, they knew I'd cheated in the past. They also knew about my issues with abandonment/commitment. I could've just hidden that as a whole, but I didn't. Because I think a partner deserves to know about the mistakes you made in the past.

    I understand why people wouldn't believe I've changed. I've stated that I changed a lot of times and for some reason always fell back into old habits and bad behaviour. Only time will show whether I've really changed or not.

    EDIT: and besides, there is no "better" person. I have made mistakes and I will have to live with the consequences. I was banned from this forum for 8 months, and after that Under Moderation/Limited Moderation/FAO, for another 8 months or so, for things I did in the past. If you do something against rules, or something hurtful or anything, you'll have to deal with the consequences. Everything we do has consequences. We'll have to learn to deal with it.

    And thank you all for the replies. They're rather insightful. :smile: :arms:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2009
  17. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :arms: Estaa.
  18. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    est, chica

    :hug: good luck wif shiz
  19. pandamonium

    pandamonium Well-Known Member

    Ester you look like you need some love and hugs

    :lips: :hug: :flowers: :wub: :grouphug: :arms: :heart: :cuddle2:
  20. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Akasha, you have always been so supportive and kind in chat :hug: just want you to know, I hope you never leave :)