Benign way to say "Good-bye"

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by jay67, Jan 7, 2011.

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  1. jay67

    jay67 Member

    I'm interested in hearing from people about ways in which a departing person can facilitate his/her family's acceptance of the loss and minimize the trauma. Beyond the obvious, "Don't shoot yourself in the house" and other no brainers what are some things that persons who kill themselves do so that their loved ones don't suffer "as much" as they might have. In the particular circumstance that I'm concerned with the family has dealt with the individual's depression and suicidal ideation for over 25 years, so the suicide would not come as a surprise.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    all suicides are felt very deeply weather they expected it or not There is no way of puffing it for the survivors left behind Sorry but no way can you bring peace to any of this we promote living here okay surviving not the other way around so no there is no benign way to say good'bye it will always be excruciating for the ones left here.
     
  3. jay67

    jay67 Member

    Total Eclipse, I certainly appreciate you taking the time to reply and I think that you are, of course, spot on. A loss of a loved one is grievously painful and by suicide more so but imagine, for a moment, that you're a clinician. You would recognize immediately that the way and manner in which people depart can be more or less damaging to the survivors. What I'm interested in is examining behaviour that make evens a marginal difference to the family's mourning.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think i understand where you are going with this perhaps if a persons suffering was so great say with cancer then the family would perhaps understand and accept the death a little easier. Or if a loved one saw dementia set in to a partner and that partner was lost to them in mind and in spirit was unable to function at all it would be easier to accept as well Noone wants to see a love one leave like that though in hospital yes with friends around them yes but not alone not by the persons own hands
     
  5. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    I don't think there is any way to minimise the psychoemotional pain experienced. From all accounts where relatives/friends etc notice that preceeding any attempt the person seemed different or was prepping (i.e. giving things away, purposefully ruining relationships), it has no effect on the sheer level of grief and agony afterwards. Having spoken to people who have lost clost family/friends, while some over time can feel a sense of compassion and understanding which makes it easier to accept what's happened and 'forgive' the person, that's more of an intellectual experience rather than emotional. It still hurts very much.
    I've been on both sides and maybe can understand what you're trying to achieve? It was the only thing that made it seem ok. Somewhere in my mind I thought they'd realise in retrospect that I had taken their pain into account, but then again I always truly believed they wouldn't be upset.
    a.
     
  6. jay67

    jay67 Member

    Warrabinda, thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. I think you're absolutely right, regardless of how a loved one departs it is incredibly painful. I have however spoken with survivors whose loved one's seemed to, not only have no regard for the family's suffering but indeed, the way in which the individual chose to take their life and, particularly, the way in which the body was found, could be construed as a message in and of itself to survivors. Take, for example, a man who'd cheated on his partner and found her body at home when arriving to the house in the company of friends for a dinner party.
     
  7. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i think what you're looking at might have to do with motivation? like the motivation behind the suicide. my psych told me she had a call out where a guy had suicided because his gf was a model and flew overseas and 'didn't have enough time for him' so the motivation was to cause pain [he left an angry note].

    i think families/friends/etc do consider motivation as a course of grieving ; the whys. why did he/she do this? he/she didn't love us? was he/she punishing us? etc.

    the issue is that although you may intend an act to be perceived a certain way, you can't promise it will. for example we may use the guy above and say 'wow how selfish!! he's tried to control her from the grave!" when maybe he was just really lonely and didn't know how to communicate if effectively. and one thing's for certain if you're dead you won't be able to explain it and articulate anything...

    i do think this is quite an interesting and sensitive topic to discuss; however just because someone says 'so and so did ___ and it was evident he didn't intend to upset us' it's subjective. just because this person has created a meaning from it doesn't mean someone else's loved ones will see it the same way. (this wasn't directed at OP - i hope this doesn't sound patronising! i've thought also about this before, but for me it was definately asking so i could um apply it.... because i wanted a way to cause as little pain as possible but then realised i can't control anyone from the grave so...)
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I really like how you explained that warrabinda great post
     
  9. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    thankyou!
     
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