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beside myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flame45, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. flame45

    flame45 Member

    I don't know how much I can say on the forum. This is my first post. I think I may have been here a super long time ago when I had a different computer and ISP. Fast forward to present. I have bipolar disorder. OK, so I've been in treatment and it was working.

    In the past month, my life has exploded. I became extremely sick with asthma; one night I was sitting here, trying to breathe, and my mom called to tell me that my aunt has a very serious form of cancer.

    The end result of it is that any hard-earned stability is destroyed. You see, there were very bad abuse problems in the family, and she was the only one who saw me through everything. When she dies, I fear I will be bereft. My father is viciously abusive, as well as my brother.

    Just prior to receiving this news, I'd logged on to a dating site, as I thought it was time to start dating again since my last breakup. I had to tell a guy I'd been chatting with that I just couldn't date right now. He was kind of upset, but then I started to cry. It was terrible. Later, i was screaming and trying to break my fan. I've been wanting to kill myself like you wouldn't believe.

    To make matters worse, I was a member of emotions anonymous, and was going there at the hospt. suggestion. I had absolutely no friends, but I started to build some up. One of which was a woman from the group. Since I called her on the phone, crying, telling her about the news, she has completely split. She is no longer my friend-an emotions anonymous member. I feel more rejected and bereft then ever. If a fellow person who has similar problems is going to jump ship when something really serious happens in my life, then who then may I rely on? I feel an incredible fear. When I called to tell her the news, she said she was counting some money and could she call me back. (?) My relative could be terminally ill and could she call me back? When I called again, and was crying about the situation, and what my aunt meant to me, she never called again. I hate her with a passion.

    I've been battling with the rejection of everyone I know for twenty years. I've worked in therapy, etc. If you can't call a friend for something like that, what can you do? My aunt has been my only real family. No one else will listen to me; that's why I can't let go. She's the only one who never did anything like that to me; never dumped me off my the side of the road.

    She said to me that if she died she would never abandon me; but that made me feel only worse; for I believe that when you are dead-you are dead. And though there may be an afterlife I do not wish to entertain the notion that I will be still in touch with her. Some find comfort in this. I do not. In fact, I think it could make me live in a delusion and find it terrifyingly frightening. Th only and best way I've been able to deal with death is to make it is final as possible, and then resume with real life, for the dead are dead. The problem is, I want to go with her!!!!! I kept having fantasies that if I had another asthma attack, I would not drive to the hospital again, just let it take over..would I want to survive with that kind of brain damage if I survived. I feel a terrible spiritual connection that could simply just be sick. I have this notion that without her life is and will be nothing, and that I should join her when she goes; another part of me is entertaining the thought that I may die of natural causes when she dies from grief.

    Why such abnormal thoughts? Why can't I go on to live and pursue my goals? Is it because I'm a reject in this world, and found a home with her. Likely so. I've tried therapy, been in it on/off for twenty years to 'correct whatever was wrong with me' so I could be acceptable. But it doesn't seem to matter. It's like I am punished by karma or chosen by fate to be a pariah.

    Part of me is tugging me inside and feeling that she is holding onto me. I don't know why, like she is pulling me to the other side with her, that she doesn't want to leave me behind when she goes. It could be my sick, delusional thinking, or not. She was like a bulldog at times when i was being abused. Maybe there is a part of her that fears to leave me here with the dangers I faced/face. She's going to have to, cause I can't go with. I know that there are things I have to do. Things that have caused me not to kill myself before. Goals and objectives that drive me. I'll be ready to die when they're done. Also, the drive to have a mate, it's another. A part of me thinks of death, yet another is driven to the future and my own purpose, and I'm battling in a serious way.

    Why is it that there are so many who have a best friend who they can really trust and talk to every day, and I am a piece of shit who nobody wants; who gets stood up or never called back. What is that? I will forever hate the person from the EA group for leaving me that way. But I need to go back there.
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member


    I really can't offer much in the way of a reply, but I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

    I hope things get better soon.
  3. flame45

    flame45 Member

    p.s. I can't totally talk about these things in therapy becuase I will be committed. And that's not the best option. Both times I was in hospital I lost my job. I have a position that I would have killed for ten years ago, and more respected then in my past. Plus I am taking on new responsibilities. I've lost all 'off' time from my asthma disaster. But I will have some vacation soon.
  4. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    hay my fiend ,im sarah.single mum getting shit from the ex and ended up here.had my emotions torn to pieces but am here.I would love a friend to share all news with,good,bad,hell and heaven and a friend to listen to.please pm me any time.welcome new friend
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum :) Hopefully you can find some support here, and it will help in whatever way you need it to :smile:

    I'm very sorry to hear that. Athsma can be managed, and hopefully after this bad bout it will settle down again.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your aunt, that must be awful. Is it that it is terminal? Or serious in the progression of it? Is she having treatment?

    It is understandable that these things have rocked your world and shaken it all around, but the stability is not destroyed, it might just take a while to become stable again. All the things you have fought for, have not gone, they are still there, they have just taken a backseat at the moment whilst you try to deal with the traumas you are facing.

    Is it guaranteed that she will die? Has the cancer progressed that far?

    How old are you? I'm so sorry that you have suffered such bad abuse, but to come through that it proves that you are incredibly strong. Maybe you can reach inside and find that strength to help you through this.

    Relying on someone who has similar emotional/mental problems can lead to problems all round. It might be that she was not stable enough to support you as much as you needed, or that what you told her brought back traumas from her past, or many other things.

    Relying on a fragile person can lead you both to fall over. There will be people that you can rely on, but it can take time to find these people.

    Could you maybe try joining some clubs? Find some people with similar interests? Or maybe support groups for people with chest problems, or specifically athsma or something? You would hopefully meet more people this way.

    Also, when you desperately need to talk, there are crisis lines there, like the samaritans in the UK, maybe you could try those.

    I'm sorry that what happened made you feel rejected, but I am sure that was not her intention at all.

    I don't think that these thought are abnormal. I think they are the thoughts of someone trying to deal with an awful illness and also grief.

    It's good that you have tried therapy, but it's not about 'correcting what is wrong with you', it's to help you feel better and learn other ways to think and deal with the traumas that you face.

    You are not a piece of shit, and I'm truly sorry that you feel that you are. You have just not been lucky enough to find a decent friend yet, that does not make you a piece of shit, it makes you unlucky with the people that you have come across.

    It might be that hating her helps to ease the pain, but remember that you may not know the full story about what went on for her to make her do that. And if you did, maybe that might change your opinion. I'm not saying what she did was right, far from it, but try not to waste your energy hating someone when you need that energy to focus on yourself, your illness and your aunt.

    I'm glad you that you are going to keep fighting through this.

    Hang in there and take care of yourself.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...ditto the above and please know that you can tell your story here...I am sure that there will be ppl who can relate to it...big hugs and know you are not alone...Jackie
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree with what has been mentioned by the previous posters. There are many people at SF willing to help offer support to those that need a hand to help hold them up. If someone is not up to helping at a particular time, there is almost always someone else around that can. Take care and stay safe. :hug:

    I forgot to tell you "Hello and :welcome: "
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