I don't know how much I can say on the forum. This is my first post. I think I may have been here a super long time ago when I had a different computer and ISP. Fast forward to present. I have bipolar disorder. OK, so I've been in treatment and it was working. In the past month, my life has exploded. I became extremely sick with asthma; one night I was sitting here, trying to breathe, and my mom called to tell me that my aunt has a very serious form of cancer. The end result of it is that any hard-earned stability is destroyed. You see, there were very bad abuse problems in the family, and she was the only one who saw me through everything. When she dies, I fear I will be bereft. My father is viciously abusive, as well as my brother. Just prior to receiving this news, I'd logged on to a dating site, as I thought it was time to start dating again since my last breakup. I had to tell a guy I'd been chatting with that I just couldn't date right now. He was kind of upset, but then I started to cry. It was terrible. Later, i was screaming and trying to break my fan. I've been wanting to kill myself like you wouldn't believe. To make matters worse, I was a member of emotions anonymous, and was going there at the hospt. suggestion. I had absolutely no friends, but I started to build some up. One of which was a woman from the group. Since I called her on the phone, crying, telling her about the news, she has completely split. She is no longer my friend-an emotions anonymous member. I feel more rejected and bereft then ever. If a fellow person who has similar problems is going to jump ship when something really serious happens in my life, then who then may I rely on? I feel an incredible fear. When I called to tell her the news, she said she was counting some money and could she call me back. (?) My relative could be terminally ill and could she call me back? When I called again, and was crying about the situation, and what my aunt meant to me, she never called again. I hate her with a passion. I've been battling with the rejection of everyone I know for twenty years. I've worked in therapy, etc. If you can't call a friend for something like that, what can you do? My aunt has been my only real family. No one else will listen to me; that's why I can't let go. She's the only one who never did anything like that to me; never dumped me off my the side of the road. She said to me that if she died she would never abandon me; but that made me feel only worse; for I believe that when you are dead-you are dead. And though there may be an afterlife I do not wish to entertain the notion that I will be still in touch with her. Some find comfort in this. I do not. In fact, I think it could make me live in a delusion and find it terrifyingly frightening. Th only and best way I've been able to deal with death is to make it is final as possible, and then resume with real life, for the dead are dead. The problem is, I want to go with her!!!!! I kept having fantasies that if I had another asthma attack, I would not drive to the hospital again, just let it take over..would I want to survive with that kind of brain damage if I survived. I feel a terrible spiritual connection that could simply just be sick. I have this notion that without her life is and will be nothing, and that I should join her when she goes; another part of me is entertaining the thought that I may die of natural causes when she dies from grief. Why such abnormal thoughts? Why can't I go on to live and pursue my goals? Is it because I'm a reject in this world, and found a home with her. Likely so. I've tried therapy, been in it on/off for twenty years to 'correct whatever was wrong with me' so I could be acceptable. But it doesn't seem to matter. It's like I am punished by karma or chosen by fate to be a pariah. Part of me is tugging me inside and feeling that she is holding onto me. I don't know why, like she is pulling me to the other side with her, that she doesn't want to leave me behind when she goes. It could be my sick, delusional thinking, or not. She was like a bulldog at times when i was being abused. Maybe there is a part of her that fears to leave me here with the dangers I faced/face. She's going to have to, cause I can't go with. I know that there are things I have to do. Things that have caused me not to kill myself before. Goals and objectives that drive me. I'll be ready to die when they're done. Also, the drive to have a mate, it's another. A part of me thinks of death, yet another is driven to the future and my own purpose, and I'm battling in a serious way. Why is it that there are so many who have a best friend who they can really trust and talk to every day, and I am a piece of shit who nobody wants; who gets stood up or never called back. What is that? I will forever hate the person from the EA group for leaving me that way. But I need to go back there.