Best explain my position now.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by C11, Jan 1, 2008.

  1. C11

    C11 New Member

    To be honest I'm not entirely sure what to say or even is this is the right place to say it (safety?). It will be extremely hard to type this all up as I would be more or less narrating my whole life to get other points of views but here goes anyway...

    I suppose it all started even as far as I remember, even looking back as far as my toddler years I can't help but think I have never been or felt quite human. The way I acted, learnt and spoke was different to how I think of others at that age, then and now. As far as personal feelings are concerned I'd say the first downslide what when I was with my original parents. They were quite harsh at times especially my farther, his lashings could last from seconds to minutes and it seemed I got more then my sister ever used to get too, but like I said before I acted alot more strangely. Things got alot worse by my first school experience when even from day one I was scrutinized by the teacher by doing quite odd things unlike the other pupils and from day one I was sent to the headmaster (I was told) who also happened to be quite stern too. Alot of my issues from my early school experience was related to what I had been used to and/or been taught by my parents before I started. After a few days the bullying started but by then the teachers didn't seem to want to hear it from me and even if they did the groups that saw it would never say they saw it (this pretty much goes on for years). This went on pretty much throughout first school life with the teachers noting that I had problems but things getting worse as private tuition was needed and thus being more of an out-cast with the pupils knowing this, so the bullys were doing there usuals with the friendly's steering well clear of me. I do remember getting on well with an older girl oddly but maybe thats down to her not knowing what was up with me (something else I will mention later).
    By the end of the school day theres usually a number of parents outside and when the day had finished it was far from uncommon to see friends going round eachothers but as far as i can recall, this probably happened to me 5 or 6 times tops over 4 years. But there was 2 issues with that I released only a few years ago which when it started to all make sense. They were all avoiding me for 2 reasons (one of which was a fact). The first was the pupils themselves that quite oviously the ones that did asociate with me slightly I thought were friends which was the best I could do at the time but they never seemed to ever go to my place and visa-versa.

    Best to skip first school here (4 years of it) as it's more-or-less the same story over and over. My parents relationship frayed big time because of a friend of my farthers wanted to stay (I cannot explain why she didn't want him invited here but it was a very mutual argument). I didn't realize for years that this was going on as the arguments were always bottled up so I assumed things were ok between them. I was very wrong and in 1996/7 they were divorced. leaving me and my sister at home. Mother went off to some flats not far from were we lived and in the same industry were my mum worked. I was the beginning of the end for my happiness in a way. Annoyingly i was adamant that they would be back together but by the time she had met her partner and moved I knew it was over.

    Within about a year and a half (i thinks) my mum found moved into a near-by city home which was a nice place but the area attitude was terrible and was alienated compared to the more rural home I was used to. My mum arranged me and my sister to go to a youth center in a city near-by (great idea huh?) which made things worse again. It wasn't as bad as school but it wasn't great either. Kids smoking at age 10, swearing (which back were i was it was canned completely), you name it. Not to realize after about a year (still going to the same school as before) the locals at our new home would turn against me for no reason as far as I'm aware. My mother was sick of the pace herself so we arranged to move about 10 - 15 south into another village thus being even further away from my old school. I knew that a school move was iminent and it did eventually happen mid - way in my 4th year.
    The local school was a middle school and I assumed that it would be just like my old one except I can try to at least be as normal as I could but the "real" me must have entered at the wrong time and already fount myself on the wrong side of a bully who so happened to also have a gang. The process started all over again but probably in a much more violent way. The kids were far more aggressive and was more like the city I was at but amazingly more unfriendly and the trachers did VERY little to help. Another problem here is there were some chever sods who will find other ways to get you into trouble like petty self harm and blaming it on me (and because by this time the teachers knew i was odd) they immediately thought he was truthful so most of my free time in year 4 was in detention. Anything the teachers said was either "Just stay away from them" or "i will talk to them" which either never happened or it was pathetic. Not only this it was quite hard to avoid 2 main groups in 1 fairly small ground.
    Exventually the ones who done self harm and blamed it on me (dispite no real proof) got the upper hand and suspended me for a week. I still have no idea to this day why he done that and I asked him why nearer the end of high school but I never got a straight answer dispite his high grades. He did stop when i was back but everything else carried on. Although not all was bad. Atlest by this time I had 2 friends who I could rely on even if they didn't help much at school although it wouldn't last that long but was pleasant to spend the rest of the free time with them. All this was pretty much the same until the high school transfer 3.5 years later.
    I'll skip to the start of high school with a whole different ball game. I immediately thought things would be a whole lot worse but everything was actually going ok for a couple of months. The verbal abuse was still going on and was constant throughout my school life, you could tell the "ood guy" image i was given had been passed onto the new pupils. But then the phisical abuse started but was alot more harsh. I got no idea what they had against me but i guest its "meet the old boss, same as the new boss".
    Not only this people would vandalize my bike, i got one new recently but only lasted about a year and a bit before it was un-rideable. When I got that repaired the same happened again so I just thought id have to buy a new one altogether and i thought a good looking one might put them off doing that which it did surprisingly. I still had a few friends even though they wouldn't help they were there to talk to which helped a tad, but even then there were annoyances. Sometimes they would trick me to invite me round theres and they wouldn't answer the door or run off when I'm not looking (backstabbing to put it shortly) so it was never a proper friendship I suppose. I won't go into too much detail on this but it goes on and on as it is real complicated.

    At the end of high school I got the grades and I thought that it could be the beginning of something new but somehow i thought there will be issues in further education but thats how it was meant to be. The verbal abuse started as early as a week in and although there wasn't much phisical it was the same dreary crap as i deal with from the first days of school. The backstabbers were still there too although I did meet nicer people, it wasn't too great as i rarely see them to this day. Now? Well all i get now (being ne of the oldest in the group appart from one person) all i get is constant name-calling and dispite alot of it is really un-imaginative they all find it amusing.

    To be quite perfectly honest for years I couldn't give a shit about my own life and if i died tomorrow so be it, now I'm just considering to go before it starts to affect my family and select number of friends i have managed to accumulate. Why? Well I'm in a real bad position, put quite simpley it could affect everyone who has known me and thus will go straight to my family. I have already done the paperwork for my passing and I'm pretty sure it's got to be done.

    Sorry it's so long but I guess this is the best way to reveal myself and explain what I have become today. If i was to ad more relevant detail and even before i go into my love/relationship issues it would probably double the ammount of length as it is.

    Views and opinions welcome, im no hard-core emo, im just mearly explaining myself then and now without it turning into a day by day story.