It has now been 7 months and I am still grieving over his death. Everyone is telling me to move on, but the more I surpress it, the more unhuman I feel. My university experience has turned into a real shit one because I am desperately missing his presence over here. I have other friends, but many do not connect with me on the same level, whilst with him, I connected with him with such depth. We were truely best friends to the point we told each other everything, and more importantly of all, we encouraged each other and helped each other with each other weaknesses. He was my most loyal friend, and no matter what the situation would be, would never betray me for someone else. If he was in a relationship and I needed desperate help, he would always look out for me. Always. Around this time last year I left university to work for a year, my mate phoned me a lot, and it was tough, I was unemployed, pennyless. My friend always had belief in me, and told me that things will pick up. They did...I ended my year with sub-contracting jobs, out of debt (turned around £2000) and became very very confident. Only, he ended the year my committing suicide, at first it didn't sink in, I felt numb, then eventually it hit me VERY hard. I became aquainted with his ex-girlfriend, they had broken up years before he died, but I think she knew how much she meant to him. For a while I had her as a support base, we supported each other, and it was great having that around. She would send me postcards, picture frames etc, we would share stories with one another etc. Then things became complicated once attraction came into the equation, she got me to fly all the way to see her, only once I did see her, complications with her current boyfriend emerged. After leaving her (holiday), she became distant from me, stopped messaging me (or replying to my stories like she once did), and later I found out she was pregnant. From time to time when I have broken down (the last 3 weeks ago) I texted her telling her how I was feeling about this, just like I did in the past. She never responded. I felt really cut up, and used, as I helped her through the griefing process, but then when it is my turn to break down - she wasn't there for me. It seems as though she has now moved on especially now with the pregnancy, so I feel alone again. His family I cannot talk about this much, his other close friends the same. I have become very close to a couple of his close friends, and when I am with them I am happy, but on the whole I am not content. They are soon to graduate. I have tried to surpress this by exercising, studying again, but I just feel so incomplete. Felt like I was surpressing it. Last wednesday - I had a one night stand. It was St Patricks, normally with the ladies I would share my experiences with my best mate. It was a great night, and I am on good terms with the girl. But I really missed my mate the next day, she was the first to have taken my virginity, something that my best friend tried to get me lose with other girls -- by introducing me to other girls. This is nothing to be proud of, but given it has been 23 years, it is significant for me and I wish my mate was here to talk about it with. Today - monday. I am very depressed, although I am on great terms with the girl above, I don't think we want to start a relationship because a) we were drunk when it happen and b) I am not into her c) she is happy just being friends. I don't want to open upto her because I don't want her to get attached to me, especially now that I have been with her. Anyway, all of this has made me despressed, I feel as though I can't express myself because I have basically no one to express myself too, I am lonely. If not that, my close friends (many with whom were not close to him) just tell me to move on, and with those that were close to him...don't want to know about my feelings. Seen a therapist, didn't really help, the only thing that really helps me is living at home with my family due to the support structure, but that is not really an option as I study away for university. I now cant wait for the easter vacations. But my studies are being affected, I have to walk around university with a brave face on pretending everything is "ok". Sigh, I am so depressed. Any advice?