Best laid plans...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by InfiniteLight, Feb 27, 2012.

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  1. InfiniteLight

    InfiniteLight Member

    My mind is a prison. I'm trapped in there and there are many dark horrors I keep in there. I spend my days wearing a mask and acting normal and yet I've been treated for depression on and off for several years now.

    I'd been thinking about dying for a while now. One day I couldn't even get myself out of bed but I made an intricate plan using some knowledge I gained from my degree education and it cleared me up somehow and gave me the energy to get up.

    I looked online and found that other people had succeeded with the method I thought of. I even felt a bit clever for thinking of such a painless and easy method on my own.

    I couldn't remember what it was like when suicide seemed so wrong. The depression wouldn't ever go away and more and more I thought of suicide as a permanent end to it. Almost like a cure. I felt as though my mind was completely clear and there was nothing wrong with me for thinking how I do. No-one could be expected to put up with what I have in my head for a lifetime.

    I thought that suicidal people would feel the need to wrap up affairs before going but I didn't feel the need. No good byes. No unfinished business. No final notes. No final calls for help or attention. Nothing seemed important. Any concept of what will happen after was so distant in my mind and I was truly disconnected from everything. I felt like freedom was so near.

    So around a week later I had obtained all the tools I needed and started putting it to action. I'm leaving details out in keeping with the site rules but my plan involved something to knock me out and a lethal bit to do the job. I was focused on making things painless that I left a simple item for the lethal part somewhere else and was in no state to fetch it from the other room. For all my planning I still made a simple mistake and woke up the next day unharmed.

    So now I don't know where I am. Having my life in the palm of my hands and be ready to throw it away without a second thought has given me what I only describe as a sense of control or power. I even disposed of my tools and destroyed as much evidence of how I obtained them as I could on the high I had after. It's like nothing happened and I can just go on with my life. I'm not even sure if I'll try it again. I've been taking an antidepressant for over 2 weeks now and so I should be expecting some sort of change but if I'm being honest, I just feel lost now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The antidepressant will take up to six weeks to kick in hun Please hun please keep reaching out for help okay don't attempt again You felt you had control i get that you were finally in charge but hun for w hat Please stay safe okay hugs The meds will help but i do hope you get some therapy as well okay hugs
  3. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I am glad you weren't successful and I had a chance to meet you. Give the meds a chance to work and hold on until then. You may want to see a therapist/psychologist to have someone to talk with who is trained to help.
  4. InfiniteLight

    InfiniteLight Member

    I made it into work after that weekend. Someone asks me how my weekend was. "Uneventful" I answer. As a rule I don't tell anyone about my depression and more and more I understand how important this is to me.

    I've been thinking about the attempt it's a really odd thing for me to get my head around. Generally I can't focus on anything and I've spent much of the past few weeks stuck in bed mostly reliving all my worst memories over and over again. Sometimes I can distract myself with a book, a puzzle, a tv show but it's always been musical instruments that used to be the best things for me. I took piano lessons as a child, taught myself to play the guitar years later and am a singer nowadays. A musical score gives me a lot to think about. I have to find the right note on the keyboard, or string and fret on the guitar or sing the right pitch with the right sound with my voice. I need to think about the rhythm because the timing is probably the most important thing in the music and the dynamics and so many other things that my head is occupied with almost more things then I can deal with.
    I probably should have known I was getting into another episode when I almost walked straight out of a choral concert I performed at last December. I stopped going to rehearsals for a while recently because putting on my mask, acting normal and making myself sing in a room full of people seemed too horrific and didn't even miss it at all. I think that musical part of me is dead now.

    So I can't concentrate on work properly, sleep for more then a couple of hours a night, want to eat or do things that I used to enjoy but I could plot my own murder. I could read online about every detail I could think of. I remember my first experiments years ago and learned how hard suicide would be so I came up with the unusual plan.
    I feel like part of me is trying to die and it's fighting with another part of me that is trying to survive and due to luck or my own forgetfulness I suffered no more then a mild sedation. I was in conflict with myself and success or failure was a win-win situation. Maybe that's why I can do what I do with such calmness and maybe that's why I could put my mask back on and act like nothing happened. There was something about the whole process that has done something for my mood that I don't think 21 days of 20 mg fluoxetine capsules can do. I'll acknowledge the pills for the extra bit of energy I've had in the past few days though.

    Another one of my telltale signs of my depression is when I stop taking care with roads. I just walk straight across without looking or thinking or sometimes at night I've walked down the middle of my street instead of the pavements. I'm okay with whatever the consequences would be. Safe passage to my destination or the end of me.
    I tried it a couple of times again today. I close my eyes and listen for the sound of something coming. Then I walk briskly across without looking. I had a car honk it's horn at me on my walk home but I had no emotional or actual response to it. I didn't even look back at the car and just walked on.

    It's not the same as my planned attempt and maybe I can understand why. There's probably no danger to it. The drivers probably pay attention to the roads and maybe I'm being more cautious then I think I am. I wouldn't want to die like that anyway. I made my proper plan carefully because it would have been painless. In fact I'm now very confused because I do things that make sense to me and at the same time make no sense at all.

    But did help me understand why I don't tell anyone about the depression or what I do with my time. Who would understand what I do? What would they do to me? There's a part of me that thinks that I'd probably be dragged away and locked up if people actually knew what I do. Even when I'm self destructive and do things I shouldn't I've always got on just fine so I don't want and maybe don't need help. I don't want to be stopped from dealing with the depression on my own. I put on a mask for the world and there's no reason why I can't have a vaguely normal life as well. From the moment I started planning a couple of weeks ago I even made it back to my music rehearsals even though I know I don't want to be there. My mask is the daily act I put on for the world and I talk, joke and sing and my mask is better then it's ever been before.
  5. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I understand your non-caring for self when crossing or walking down the street. I also do this when starting to become suicidal. It is one of my earliest signs of impending suicidalness.
  6. InfiniteLight

    InfiniteLight Member

    I can't talk about depression and other things with people who have no experience of it. I just don't think they'd ever understand.

    Thanks for being open and admitting that. It does make me feel that little bit less lonely to know that there are people living through the same things as me.
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