Best sunsets

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by endgame01, Nov 12, 2009.

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  1. endgame01

    endgame01 Member

    Suicide is relatively easy. The action itself is just a decision to control the moment of ones own departure from this world.
    I don’t see anything wrong with this. My feelings are such that suicide is a neat exit, with all things taken care of, with few loose ends.

    The real dilemma is the impact it will have on those left behind. If I died in an accident, I will still be leaving them. Why should a considered, and planned exit be seen as somehow bad.

    I have taken stock of my life. And looking back, it is a life of unremitting mediocrity. I have always felt detached and disconnected. I have never had a relationship, as I have never felt worthy of anyones affections. I have never had close friends. No-one to call or fall back on. Gatherings are tense and full of angst, as I don’t feel I am entitled to be in their presence. I have never excelled at work, as I never felt good enough to progress career-wise. Added to which I don’t network, so don’t have the personal connections to get on.

    I love the world, and enjoy its beauty. Its just that I always seem to be an observer of it, rather than a participant. I love watching the stars at night, but am overwhelmed by the empty blackness between each star. I love the blue skies, but feel only the vast emptiness of its blueness.
    I feel my body is trapping my spirit inside it, that’s what’s causing my feelings of detachment. If I didn’t have a body, and released my spirit, I could become a part of the sky, or the hills, or the stars, and for the first time be part of something.
    I have always felt a burden. I acknowledge the beauty of nature, but hate my ugliness within it.

    Being a thoroughly analytical person, I have decided how to die. <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - methods>

    I want to celebrate my passing, even though no-one will be with me. I will celebrate nature by finally becoming part of it. I don’t understand the negativity of suicide. But I have to be aware of others preconceptions.

    The greatest weight on my mind is not being able to say goodbye to those I truly love, but have never been able to express it to. Here again, I don’t know if my love is even good enough for them.

    Anyway, that’s how I feel. Where can I find the best sunsets?
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2009
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keep posting here, it'll help to get out the built up feelings. Your love ones won't understand at all if you leave them this way.

    Are you seeing a doctor? Call crisis and tell them what is happening with you.

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Beautifully written becoming one with nature and all but still your depression talking. still distorted thoughts and twisted thinking Your right the pain is severe when ones you love take suicide as their way out. Our time here is short enough and although in pain i try so hard to help others to take my pain away. I support the ones less fortunate reach out to the ones being abused Please know you do have purpose you are important you just have to believe that. If you can see all the beauty around you then see it in people as well get help for your depression change your meds up get therapy because i believe you could do great things for others as you have a very sensitive soul and mind.
  4. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    >I feel my body is trapping my spirit inside it, that’s what’s causing my feelings of detachment. If I didn’t have a body, and released my spirit, I could become a part of the sky, or the hills, or the stars, and for the first time be part of something.
    I have always felt a burden. I acknowledge the beauty of nature, but hate my ugliness within it.

    @endgame, you speak as if you know my soul, I've wanted to see what's it like in the Universe ever since I can remember, I want so much to leave this world and finally become a true part of the nature, of the space, of the air.
    But I won't do it, not on purpose, I'll wait for my time, and hope that you will too. Please call for help, see a doctor, post here, talk to us and dont' give up.
  5. endgame01

    endgame01 Member

    I have thought about therapy. But I feel anxious about it.
    Never spoken to anyone, and I mean anyone, about my feelings, which have been with me, off and on, since teenage years. I m the eldest, so I am supposed to set a good example.

    I am reluctant to go to the doctor, since I dont have anything broken. An emotional problem, or depression, seems so silly when there are people who are genuinely ill. I feel a fraud to take up the doctors time with this.
    Maybe this is an example of low self-worth. I dont know how to approach a therapist as I feel they would laugh at me and tell me to go away. I mean, I have no physical injury, or tumour, or anything.

    I also tend to have a sardonic sense of humour, and see the dark humour of my condition. Maybe I make light of my situation, but deep down I still hurt.
    How can emptiness hurt?

    I visited my sister this weekend. I played with my nephew and neices. One neice is not quite one years old. I love playing with them. And helped them with their homework; the little one is madly crawling everywhere!
    But when I got home, I had those conflicting feelings again. I felt great I was with them, and that I could help. But then I was saddened that I was unworthy to be with them, and that I may never see them grow up. This has made me go on a real downer.

    Ironically, suicidal thoughts are a life-threatening situation.
    How do I approach a doctor or therapist?
    Do I even want to?
    Am I just using therapy as an excuse not to get it over with?
    Am I just wasting the doctors time?
  6. endgame01

    endgame01 Member

    Went to see the doctor several weeks ago.
    The first time I ever opened up to anyone. Reason I went was because the depression I was in was not lifting. I have never had it go on for this long, nor for this intensity.

    I don't seem to have ups and downs anymore, just varying degrees of downs.

    Was prescribed Prozac. Took it for about 4 weeks before deciding I wasn't going to continue with it. Reason being I wouldn't know whether my thoughts and feelings were coming from my mind or from a pill I took.

    Anyway, have finally sorted out all my affairs.

    My dilemma is whether I should speak to my sister about my plans.
    (I have found a place where I can enjoy my sunset)
    I have been writing my thoughts and an attempt at an explanation for them, and an explanation for my impending actions.

    I am torn between having someone understand me, and burdening them with the knowledge of my intentions.
    I would like someone to know what I am feeling, without them feeling compelled to talk me out of it.

    I need a sort of priestly person to forgive me.

    The case I am making for my departure is that self-deliverance is ecologically-friendly, since I won't be needlessly using up another 20-30 years worth of Earths resources. (I said I had a dark humour)
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi endgame. You seem like a very intelligent, analytical and spiritual person to me. It would a shame if you were to end your life. The world needs more people like you in it. I agree with you that the world is truly filled with beauty. One of my favorite hobbies is riding my bike through the trails and observing the trees and the ducks in the stream and I love watching the sun set in the evening.

    You say that you feel like your spirit is trapped inside your body, but that is a reality of living in the physical world. You might find astral traveling enjoyable, because that allows you feel like your flying through the world as a spirit body, all while you're sleeping. I've done it before and it's quite liberating. Research it on the net if you're interested. Stay safe. :hug:
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi endgame....4 weeks on the meds isn't long enough to show the true benefits of them...if they aren't working get your doc to change them....
    .please get back on them and wait for them to work before deciding to end your's still the depression talking...
    go back to your GP and get some therapy to help you through this....
    you have a chance to get better and spend your life with your family...
    please take it...
    and yes I think you should tell your sister and let her help you through this....
    she and her children need you.....if you go they will then have the burden of pain and grief forever....

    the difference of dying of suicide and natural causes is. had no control over your death with natural causes.. chose to go with suicide therefore leaving your loved ones with the thought that you didn't care about them and they weren't enough for you to stay...
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