Betrayal, heart palpitations, night terrors, utter sense of despair every hour of day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by katpetrova123, Oct 26, 2013.

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  1. katpetrova123

    katpetrova123 New Member

    i've been extremely suicidal lately, the only blessing in disguise is that i am experiencing lethargy, been crying and staying in bed for nearly a week, barely made it to the shower even. IF i went out with a couple of friends today, i would have satisfied my urge to binge-drink, smoke illegal stuff, purchase pills on the way home, drunk them and go to sleep forever, never to wake up again. i've thought of this method since 2 months ago, and i've just researched how much it would take to kill me. when i was in new zealand and i was betrayed by my bf, i attempted suicide by taking all these pills but it did not work, i only woke up very very disappointed and worse off. that incident took place a few months ago. now in a different country, just last saturday, i had alot of mixed drinks out in the club, went home at 4am and proceeded to find whatever types of pills were lying in the house and attempted to take ALL i could find, i probably took at least 10 pills all in all, of different types. i lived, because they were not the specific pills i wanted, i want the potent ones, that could knock me off, and they can be bought here in any pharmacy without a prescription. i was heartbroken too, when i was 23, and i attempted suicide back then. i was betrayed not just by a bf, but also by family. now at 29, i was betrayed again by my new partner just a few months ago, in the exact same way in my first relationship. my story is too long to explain in detail, but i went through terrible years to get away and start a new life, only to be broken down again and start from square one. i've had to start from square one TWICE. i've got nothing to show for for being kind and good to people. i've given up and some of my friends think i'm crazy. i don't even care much about other people's feelings anymore because i myself have been hurt. im just angry and in despair all the time. i have to say, the worst part of all this is the physical torment i go through. my heart had been palpitating and my mouth goes numb. i've lost so much weight and back to 95 pounds, and i am 5'3". i cannot sleep properly because of the night terrors and when i wake up it is much much worse because of the heart palpitations. i just found out last night that i woke up 15 minutes after falling asleep, had severe heart palpitations and was very disoriented, for 5 seconds or more i did not know where i was and which wall i was facing in the room, it took me awhile to recognize that i was in my own bedroom. i still ask how these people in my life, who i loved unconditionally, who i thought were amazing gentle trustworthy human beings, could turn into such demons and hurt me like this. betrayal is like a loss to me, it's like i died, only i'm living and suffering daily. 2 months is too long to be living like this, my fear of the future is so intense that i just want to die. if money wasn't an issue, i would be packing up my bags, fly to a far-away place across the globe, isolate myself from everybody, lose contact from everybody, and stay in a cottage in the middle of the forest or by the lake, and just be with myself and have time to heal and breath. i no longer trust anybody, i want to fall in love with a kind sympathetic soulful man who can help me forget everything and erase my memories and just feel safe permanently and happy again. i don't want anymore waves of despair and betrayal coming into my life again. once was unbearable, twice is just sick. i just want to be loved genuinely, is it bad to want that... sorry if i went on with this too long...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Betrayal, heart palpitations, night terrors, utter sense of despair every hour of

    I am sorry you were harmed not once but twice hun with each relationship we learn new things who to trust who not to trust I do hope in time you meet someone that will truly love you for who you are. First though you have to love you ok you have to heal you inside be strong for YOU and you alone
     
  3. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Re: Betrayal, heart palpitations, night terrors, utter sense of despair every hour of

    Life is full of trial and error, and yes we start at square one. It can be a challenge, but it gives the chance of trying something new. I am sorry you have found it so tough, but we don't get anywhere if we have it given to us. It takes time and effort, which will be hard to find, but if you don't have effort, you have time to find it.

    If you are feeling this way, speak to a doctor, or your local mental health team, and emphasise that you are feeling in a bad way, and could do with extra support. Without trying, you won't know what can be done. Yes, it takes noise... a lot of noise, and if you can make that noise then they will listen to you. You don't have to always feel the way you are now, it can get better. I hope that life eases its tough grip on you, and allows you a chance to breathe and have a bit of happiness in your life, that you have certainly earnt
     
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