Betrayal

[lightning05]

My boyfriend betrayed my trust in a major, major way that I never would have expected from him. (I don't want to say what happened.) Discovering this has really rocked my world this week and I have been unable to focus. I keep flip flopping between crying and feeling angry. I feel like I'm grieving the trust that is lost. He has left to stay with family to give me space. I know I have time to decide if I want to carry on with the relationship but I feel like I should make a decision right now. I worry about both outcomes because on the one hand we have built a life together but on the other hand everything has changed upon this discovery. I know I'm not a fool, but when someone betrays you, you definitely feel like one. Our relationship has always been a healthy and close one and we have never had an issue this serious in the 4+ years. This is my first serious relationship as an adult.

I don't want much advice, but if anyone has dealt with overcoming betrayal/loss of trust in a relationship I'd appreciate that.

 

[Tristesse]

Unfortunately I have had a lot of betrayal in my long (12 or so years) relationship, and a complete loss of trust (I live with a perpetual liar) and I cannot offer much besides to say it hurts terribly, it takes a long time to forgive and you never entirely forget. For me, it pops up constantly, the inability to believe what the person is saying. In my case, discovering new lies is a common part of the problem. I will say, if there are no children involved, it may not be worth trying to slog through the pain of rebuilding the relationship. Big Hugs, you didn’t deserve this.

 

[may71]

Sorry that this happened. Loss of trust hurts and can be hard to overcome.

I know I have time to decide if I want to carry on with the relationship but I feel like I should make a decision right now

What makes you feel like you should decide right now?

 

[lightning05]

What makes you feel like you should decide right now?

I actually don't know why I felt this. I looked for an answer but couldn't find one.

@Tristesse thanks for your input and sorry for what your partner has put you through. s

 

[JDot]

I've experienced heartbreaking betrayal in all my relationships. In my last relationship, it didn't bother me too much when I found out I had been betrayed. At that point, I was used to my partners betraying me. It has almost become an expectation. Leaving the relationships helped me move on better than anything else. If I were still with these people, I'd be plagued with paranoia and anxiety over whether I can trust them. I guess whether or not leaving him is the best option depends on what exactly he did. But I will say that if he cheated it will hurt each time you're around him. I'm sorry this happened, and I hope you get to feeling better. Remember the good people at SF are always here for you.

 

[MisterBGone]

I can't really compare--my situation (with yours). . . at all! Really - in so far as, I am not coming from a place of a romantic relationship & (that of) being in love. But, when it comes to the subject / or topic, of "betrayal~." I think I've got quite a good bit of it - from a more, "purely~" (friend-ship) perspective! And I can only offer this. It's happened, as I said, a number of times with what I would've thought, or considered at the time to be... something extra-ordinary (in terms of the nature of it) & bordering in some, if not nearly all cases, on being "Best Friends," (or treating one another as such).

However, I would say that once the relation, or friend-ship, came to an end: terminated/was extinguished/_disintegrated, etc.~* & I looked back on it --what I realized was this: that "They," meant much-much, MORE to me~ (than 'I,') did to Them. And so, consequently, or as a result -- in summary (or summation); what burns me up most (now & then) is the fact that - I know I have not been able to let it go : "the Act of~ betrayal_." And while I have been sitting here all of these years (& stewing up a storm_) / it is probably of great comfort to them - that they have not spent, or wasted one second, or moment's time, on thinking of/or- about, 'Me.'

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

I'm sorry this happened.

 

[lightning05]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm just trying to give myself some time to let the raw emotions out and then go from there.

 

[A_J_R]

Time is a good thing.

I don't think there's a right or wrong to staying or going. Just listen to your heart.

I was recently betrayed by someone, and then basically had to betray them to prove they were lying to me. So, that blew up and now we're done as friends/lovers/all of it. It was heartwrenching, and to be honest, I regret confronting them. But it was dysfunctional, so I have to just remind myself of that. It's probably for the best.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Morpheus78]

I loved someone but I never got it returned from her. There were glimpses but not much else. I would have married her in a heartbeat but I am sure that she would have divorced me at the first chance for any excuse. I tried moving on but I still have those feelings for her and her kids. I still carry the hurt from how she treated me.
With lost trust, it is difficult to rebuild it. The feelings might still be there but so is the doubt in them.

 

[Catch_22]

I can't really compare--my situation (with yours). . . at all! Really - in so far as, I am not coming from a place of a romantic relationship & (that of) being in love. But, when it comes to the subject / or topic, of "betrayal~." I think I've got quite a good bit of it - from a more, "purely~" (friend-ship) perspective! And I can only offer this. It's happened, as I said, a number of times with what I would've thought, or considered at the time to be... something extra-ordinary (in terms of the nature of it) & bordering in some, if not nearly all cases, on being "Best Friends," (or treating one another as such).

However, I would say that once the relation, or friend-ship, came to an end: terminated/was extinguished/_disintegrated, etc.~* & I looked back on it --what I realized was this: that "They," meant much-much, MORE to me~ (than 'I,') did to Them. And so, consequently, or as a result -- in summary (or summation); what burns me up most (now & then) is the fact that - I know I have not been able to let it go : "the Act of~ betrayal_." And while I have been sitting here all of these years (& stewing up a storm_) / it is probably of great comfort to them - that they have not spent, or wasted one second, or moment's time, on thinking of/or- about, 'Me.'

Relate. :/

 

[Catch_22]

Lifetime of betrayal that would rival the most exaggerated soap opera.
Just..respect how you feel,.your instincts..and I say that a loss of trust and betrayal is huge. Personally, I see no way to work through a betrayal and maintain a relationship. But I do not know everyone's circumstances. Trust is everything. There is no relationship without it that isn't completely abusive. I'm sorry to read this, but it's also helpful for me.
Just here to say I get what you are going through.
I have to stay with someone I do not trust and betrayed my life in a way I cannot live with. It's awful. If I could leave I would. Then later after some healing and space address whether I have anything I want to say to that person, or ever reconnect. But my situation I would rate as severe.