better off dead I guess

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morning rush, May 4, 2009.

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  1. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I dont think I want to overcome my issues...I dont want to make it...and I'm not sure why...last night I went over to my friend's house and slept over. Actually I didn't really sleep at all. I can't seem to sleep out of my own bed anymore. Anyways my friend wanted to go to the bar next door and just have a few drinks and all. Her boyfriend let her go because she said she was just going to be out for about an hour.

    Anyways we had fun out, we talked with some guys. There was actually one that seemed interested in me. I'm not used to that so I didn't really know how to respond. He was cute though, too cute.

    We danced and all, and at one point of the guys wanted to dance with my friend. But at that moment, her boyfriend walked in. He was pissed. I mean really pissed because he thought she was rubbing herself on him. So they got into a fight and my friend wanted me to lie. To say that the guy forced her to dance, which wasnt really a lie because he did insist alot before she said yes. But I froze because I don't like lying. Even today he called me while she wasn't at home to get the real story. I had to lie through my teeth and I feel so disgusted with myself.

    She says to me she doesnt love him but then the next day tells him she loves him and asks if he loves her that what love is about? Is that how lovers are?

    All day today, I was anxious and I wanted to die. It was so clear in my head. I didn't want to make it, I wanted out, in any way possible.

    I realised that my friend can't help me, she has too much shit going on for her to help me...and I need someone so much...I never share anything because it feels so wrong to do it...but I wish I could find someone that would be open to some of the things I like...I guess that makes me a selfish child...maybe I'm better off dead...
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry your friend put you in such an awkward position. That really wasn't fair. She shouldn't ask you to lie for her.

    No, love isn't always that way. What she's experiencing doesn't really soudn like love, if she tells you one thing and him something different.

    You aren't selfish for wanting to find someone interested in the same things you are. Honestly, I think that's what a lot of us want ... to find someone that shares our interests.
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    wildcherry is right. .. she should not have put you into a position to lie

    real love is not about lying

    nor is about being disengenuous.

    real love, is authenticity.

    it is transparency.

    this is crap, with your friend, her dance partner, her bf. .. . . all of it.

    there is real love in life. stay here and look for it. you can find it.

    glad you reached out here for support. pm me if you want to talk. . .. i wish the very best for you xxxx
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree your friend shouldn't have put you into this position..She's a big girl and when she screws up it is up to her to make amends..As far as realationships and love go, there are alot of guys out there who are very caring and loving.. Trust is a big part of any relationship..Take Care!!
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    thank you for your comments. I really don't like lying and to me it goes deeply, I'm missleading her boyfriend and its only going to hurt more later on...I know what it is to be in pain and I don't wish it on anyone not even her boyfriend...I wouldnt want someone to lie to me like that...

    he did however react violently. At one point I was really scared that he was going to hit in a way I can see why she wanted to lie to him...but still...

    the other part was that a guy at the club was interested in me..and I was so not expecting it...and that's when I realised that I'm the one standing in the way of having a boyfriend...I used to think it was because no one was interested but I think I dont know how to be in a so scary that I think unconsciously I'd rather be do I overcome that?

    the next day, my friend wasn't feeling well..she had panic attacks and stuff...she and her boyfriend kept going to the bathroom together to made me feel like I was in the way...and I was suposed to spend the day with her but she decided to go to her grandmother and kind of hinted that I should leave...the whole morning of that day all I wanted was to die...I really almost decided to jump off the balcony or go in front of a car...I couldnt tell her though, because she's got so much shit she couldnt help me...during the morning I had to wait while she decided to go back to bed...I was so anxious that it hurt my chest and I had cramps all over my body...

    sorry if this post is long...I really need to talk it out...cause its eating me up and all I want is to stop...I have no one...
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You should definitely tell both of them that you're not comfortable being in the middle of their problems right now. And if she continues to expect you to lie and she's not there for you and is treating you badly, you should try making some new friends. I know that's easy for me to say, but you seem to have a lot going for you and you certainly don't need this issue tearing you apart.

    Please continue to post; the messages can be as long as you want...most of us here will read them all the way through. THis is the place to get some help from people who've had similar experiences or to just vent.

    You've got your whole life ahead of you...don't let these two people ruin it for you.
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