Better off for everyone....

if I was gone.

All I am is a destructive force sucking the life out of everyone. I'm a huge weight on my mother who is having to support me because I can't find a job and am having to pay my student loans back. All I do is make people angry and I'm always angry.

I knew this is what would happen and I tried to make sure I was gone before but of course that fails because I really don't have the means to do it properly.

All I hear is that I need to act like an adult and get my shit together. That I need to get on meds or something. Well here's the thing, they don't work. Sure my thinking is probably more negative than others and that could be worked on but that's not the reason I'm so fucking angry.

I just don't fit in. I don't think like anyone else I have ever met. I've been this way my entire life. It's just hard to describe. I can and have been part of groups and I've had friends but I've always felt like I'm acting. I've never been my real self.

Because that would be too wrong. I just want to be locked up somewhere so I can waste away and not be a drain on others.

To even remotely get things better it's going to take years, possibly more than a decade. That's too long. I have missed so much in life already and I've waited for decade already. I'm just so tired of it all. No one I can talk to can understand this. I don't even understand it all.

 

I've been a dick to loads of people, hurt people who honestly cared about me, and like the solitude much like yourself.

No matter how dark the skies you just gotta get back up and keep living. Find something, can't find a job? Look harder. No jobs at all? Well try the Navy or Air Force! You won't be in combat, you'll be more disciplined after Basic Training, and they'll give you a job with a decent salary!

There is always legal work if people look for it.

What are your hobbies and passions?

 

I used to tell myself the same thing when I was in severe depression, that everyone would be better off without me, it is just the depression thinking for you. What do you think it would have done to my kids if I had succeeded at such a horrific act? How do you think it would make your mom feel to lose her son? If I lost either of my kids, I don't believe for one minute that I would be able to go on. She loves you, that is why she is helping you get through this. That is what family is for, to be there for you, help you in time of need.

I had a student loan I couldn't pay due to not working, and they dismissed it for me, since my income is so low. Where your not working, they should help you out with that. Have you talked to the loan company and explained the situation?

The military is awesome with pay, benefits, bonuses, they even pay your housing, free college courses, you get to see so many different parts of the world.

Why do you feel like being yourself would be so awful for everyone else? Sometimes I wish I could change things about myself, but if other people don't like me as I am, that's their loss.