if I was gone. All I am is a destructive force sucking the life out of everyone. I'm a huge weight on my mother who is having to support me because I can't find a job and am having to pay my student loans back. All I do is make people angry and I'm always angry. I knew this is what would happen and I tried to make sure I was gone before but of course that fails because I really don't have the means to do it properly. All I hear is that I need to act like an adult and get my shit together. That I need to get on meds or something. Well here's the thing, they don't work. Sure my thinking is probably more negative than others and that could be worked on but that's not the reason I'm so fucking angry. I just don't fit in. I don't think like anyone else I have ever met. I've been this way my entire life. It's just hard to describe. I can and have been part of groups and I've had friends but I've always felt like I'm acting. I've never been my real self. Because that would be too wrong. I just want to be locked up somewhere so I can waste away and not be a drain on others. To even remotely get things better it's going to take years, possibly more than a decade. That's too long. I have missed so much in life already and I've waited for decade already. I'm just so tired of it all. No one I can talk to can understand this. I don't even understand it all.