Better Than Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deceptive Innocence, Apr 14, 2007.

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  1. We'll never have our closure if I do this. If you had to choose between a slow but inevitable goodbye and a quick stop within your control...which would you choose? I don't want them to have to watch me die. I don't want to spend every day seeing how they look at me. All sympathy and exhaustion. Eight months isnt that long- people can take a college course, change jobs, almost create a new life in eight months. What can I do in eight months? Be a burden, be defective, be a strain on the people I love? Mom says she is glad that she can be here to help me...take care of me. I don't want to be "taken care of." I don't want her to fall into bed seriously tired out for no other reason than she had to do things for me.I should be glad for the time I have left but i'm not. I'm angry. I'm angry with God and with myself. For once I want to control something. I want to do this myself. End it myself. I think I might actually be able to do it. I think i've finally come to terms with what I have to do. They deserve better than me.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to read about what is going on for you.

    I apologise if this is an ignorant question, but can I ask what is physically wrong with you to say that it is an inevitable goodbye? Again, I apologise if you have said on a thread or something before, I have no read it.

    You seem to have decided what is best for you, but remember that you are not the only one in this equation. Your mum clearly wants you around for as long as possible and wants to look after you. Maybe you need to consider that too.

    Keep talking to us honey. The more you talk, hopefully the more it might help you.
     
  3. corral

    corral Guest

    im so sorry about your illness, im sorry for asking, the doctors told you you have 8 months left??? im so sorry i cant imagine what you must be going through and your family, you sound like a nice person and it just makes me sad :(
     
  4. it's lymphocytic leukemia- I was in remission for over a year before it came back. I stopped responding to treatment a while ago but things have gone down hill- I try to be optimistic but whats the point? I'm supposed to be happy and excited about each new day when I feel tired...horrible? And I know my mom wants me around but its taken a toll on her too- im not blind. How do you watch your own child just sort of change, morph...waste away? We all know whats down the road but we're ignoring it I guess...or at least they're trying to. She's all smiles but her eyes give her away. She doesnt smile with her eyes anymore.
     
  5. corral

    corral Guest

    of course its very hard for her, harder than anything. and i can imagine its just as hard for you.
    is there any hope????? i would like to hope so
     
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that.

    Have you confided in anyone around you how you feel?
     
  7. I guess there can always be hope, even if it's false its still hope right? My dad knows how I feel but he says its normal to be scared or tired or upset. He doesnt think i'll do it I don't think. As for hope- i can't see how... we stopped treatment already, there was no point in continuing. It made me sick and I felt terrible all the time and it wasnt doing anything for me. My dr. said that I should enjoy what health I had left instead of continuing a treatment that would make me sleep all the time...feel nauseous and such. I agreed at the time but now its like "hmmm...I wonder if all this is worth it." How do you enter a competition you know you cant win? Who bets on a losing horse when the race is already rigged?
     
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's good that your dad knows how you feel, maybe you could take that step to be totally honest with him.

    Could you maybe use this time to do things you have always wanted to do? Or fulfill any dreams? Maybe you could use this time to pack in as much living as possible.
     
  9. I'd like to-but i'm just so worn out all the time. Its kind of like that feeling when you've come home from work and then spent several hours doing laundry and dishes and cleaning the house. That feeling after you finally sit down for the first time and your body just gets heavy. You know what I mean?
     
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I have been very ill recently and risk of dropping dead, so I can totally relate to that feeling.

    This might sound stupid, but have you considered using a mobility scooter? Like you can hire them at places where you can go out for the day and stuff. They make mobility so much easier and you don't need any energy to use them. Maybe, if you are willing to consider this, it might open a few opportunities for you. Maybe going somewhere for an hour, or just bring outside might help you mentally.
     
  11. I think i'd be really self conscious...i'm only 23 and I know how stupid people can be like oh she's so lazy she cant even walk around or think i'm some twinkie teenager who's just playing around- I know that sounds stupid. It sounds stupid even to me but thats how people are- or if not that they'd stare at my head *laughs* I get a lot of head staring thanks to brittney spears everyone thinks i'm some punk britt wanabe *rolls eyes*
     
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I am only 24, my parents even bought me one, but I got what I needed to live better before I had to use it.

    I don't think what you said sound stupid, but I do think that it matters not at all what other people think. Who cares of some dim witted people make ignorant comments. They only make themselves look stupid.

    If you spend the rest of your life worrying about what others think, you might miss out on things you want to do, and waste some of your remaining time.


    Oh, and I'm in a room alone because it's safer for everyone else if I don't talk to them because I seem to upset people and make them angry. and No, I don't like sitting alone.
     
  13. corral

    corral Guest

    sorry i dont know much about this illness, i mean if its curable or not, i wish it was for you thats why i asked if theres hope.
    maybe its silly to mention my old dog had this illness and i had to put it down cause it was in pain.
    i so wish there was a way to cure it so you could get better and be happy
     
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