Last week I felt some suicidal thoughts and severe depression creeping in. This is not the first time I've struggled with it. But I thought what would be different about it this time is that I've been working with a therapist for a few years and I figured this time, I won't have to sit alone with these thoughts. So I told my therapist right away when these feelings crept up. She didn't respond the way that I hoped she would. I wanted comforting, reassurance that this will pass, compassion, nurturing. Instead she responded by totally freaking out that if I kill myself she will get into trouble. She said that not only would be I be taking myself down, but I will take her down with me. She then told me that she had been breaking the law in order to work with me as a patient. You see, I originally went to her as a therapist in 1992 when I was in high school. I saw her for two years at that time. Then I moved away for college and she was no longer my therapist. We stayed in touch for a few years and then lost touch in 1998. But a few years ago my life totally fell apart and I reached out to her. We live thousands of miles apart but we began doing therapy over the phone and then skype. I never realized that she was breaking the law by doing this but she informed me the other day that it is not ethical for her to be doing this because she is not licensed in the state I live in. So now I have a dilema. I feel I cannot talk to her about the suicidal thoughts because she has gone from being warm and sweet to being cold and distant. She's actually threatened to terminate my therapy which she later took back. I am feeling sort of abandoned by her right now when I need her the most. She was the one person I thought I could talk to about this stuff, but instead it has created a huge rift in our relationship. She's scared about how it will hurt her career if I die which now makes me feel like I must terminate my therapy and have a window of maybe 3 months or so before I kill myself so that she isn't held accountable for my death. However, I really need the therapy because maybe it could save me from doing this. So I'm so confused about what the best course of action is. I don't even feel like I am getting what I need from her right now anyway, so maybe the best thing to do is go ahead and terminate with her. But I wonder how I will possibly endure another 3 months of this depression while I allow some time to pass so that she doesn't get into trouble. I'm rambling. Just really wanting to either get help or do this already and it seems I can not do either.