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beware, it's quite lenghty. (*trigger* *language*)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    so I guess I'ma throw everything out that's been bothering me, right now. I'm sorry if it's gonna be confusing, I even confuse myself dammit. And sorry if there's things in it certain persons do not want to hear, I just have to let it out. My intention is not to hurt anyone. But then again it seems to be what I always do.. :sad:

    My mother died when I was 10 months old. She was declared brain dead. I can't remember shit of her. And when I asked my father about it when I was like 6 or so all he wanted to say about it is that she had a blood clot in her neck because of which her blood couldn't reach her brain. That's how she ended up being brain dead. My dad never wanted to talk about her, my sister neither. (she was 4 when our mum passed away). It hurts them both too much. Our family isn't much of a talking family if it comes to problems and issues. And I'm not much of a talker anyway. I'm way better when typing or writing. I just can't speak about painful things for some reason.

    I miss my mother very very much. I can't remember shit of her but yet I miss her so damn much. And I know that her death is one of the main causes of my depression. Or at least the things that happened to me ON TOP of her death and the missing of a mother to talk to about stuff, is the cause of my depression. I know that in my head I idealized her. I have tis image in my head of a mother who would accept my bisexuality and depression, who would listen to whatever is wrong with me and who would actually TALK to me, instead of not putting any effort in contacting her own daughter. Someone who doesnt make her daughter feel as if she's worthless because she never got the grades at highschool which she could've gotten.
    My dad and his wife. They've always been so blind.

    First time I realized I wasn't heterosexual I was like 11 or 12 years old. I told my best friend that I had feelings for her. She was totally okay with it. and we continued being good friends. Then one day out of nothing she started crying in class. Later on one of the teachers took me apart. Apparently she'd told them and all classmates that I had tried to lock her in my room and made her to kiss me and bullshit like that. Of course everyone believed her, cos that's human nature. They always believe sensational stories. Gives them things to gossip about. My teacher called to my house and told my stepmum about it. When I came home my stepmum told me that from now on I wasn't allowed to read any girl's magazines anymore, because according to her that's what made me think of "nonsense like that". I guess from then on I realized I'd have to live my life without telling my parents my real feelings anymore.
    My life went on and on and at highschool people would pick on me, call me dike and stuff like that, but eventually I got over that. I accepted my bisexuality for myself after a good 3 years. That's when I decided to tell my parents. They were like the last ones to know, My whole school knew about it and I didn't care.
    As said before I'm not much of a talker, therefore I left a letter at home before I went to school. In the letter I explained that I'm bisexual and that I hoped they'd understand and accept it. when I came home from school everyone acted as if nothing was going on. Then when I went to bed my stepmum came to my bedroom. She sat down and looked at me.. I don't remember the whole conversation exactly anymore. Except that she told me that I couldn't tell anyone because if people would find out about it and I would turn out to be "normal" (which according to her I would, because it was all just a phase blablabla). I was in shock. I knew she's always been very into "what might other people think of it" and playing the perfect family and shit, but no way I'd ever expected her to just say it all was bullshit. Cos that's basically what she said. I still wonder if she even told my dad about it.
    From that moment on I knew it, I couldnt trust my own parents anymore, Couldn't tell them anything anymore. They didn't accept me the way I am and that's heartbreaking. I think this made me idealize my mother even more. And maybe even feed my depression. THis all was in 2003.

    Then in May 2004, 3 guys assaulted me. Thank god they stopped in time. I think because they heard someone coming or something. Never will I forget that day. I was walking through a small alley in the early morning as 3 guys came up to me asking me what time it was. and before I knew 2 of them had me pushed against the wall holding me tight so I couldnt do anything. Meanwhile the 3rd started touching me and dropping down his pants... :cry: :cry:
    All of a sudden they stopped. I pulled myself together and went to a little grassfield nearby where I sat the rest of the day, quiet and alone. Crying.

    I got extremely depressed, and started visiting a suicide community where I met some people. I got very close with one of them, S. We helped eachother. Whenever one of us was down they would call the other one or text or whatever. I could talk to her about basically anything. She also meant alot to me because she seemed to be the only one who believed me. For some reason my friends at school didn't believe that I was assaulted. They just didn't believe me. During that period I also started cutting. I regularly had words cut in my arm saying things like "death" Also I would go out with one friend and always get drunk and I even smoked pot sometimes.
    I promised S. that I would always be there for her, no matter what. Told her she could call me ANY time. Then one night around 3am she called me. But I was too bloody tired to pick up. I didn't take the call. The next day a common friend called me, telling me S. had committed suicide. Up until today I've never forgiven myself. And I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I'd kept her from killing herself SO many times already. I know that if I'd taken that call i could've stopped her again.
    of course this made me start drinking and cutting even more. I drank so much that I had to borrow money from this guy I barely knew. i met him on the net and we had met up like once or maybe twice. I barely knew him. yet I borrowed money from him. Of course after a while he wanted it back. But I didnt have it anymore as I'd spend it all on alcohol and shit like that. I didn't see any other solution than sleeping with men for money. Every time again I would just lay on the bed, let them do their thing and then get money and leave. I felt so dirty and bad and wrong and even more suicidal. The first few times were the hardest. I just cried and cried but the men in question wouldn't stop. After all they payed for sex, so they would get sex. In 3 weeks I had sex with 11 guys. some of them more than once. I was disgusted with myself. and it made me HATE guys.

    my depression went on, with ups and downs. my friends didn't really seem to care, or they just got sick of me being so depressed. They wanted the happy Ester back. So I just put up my Happy Mask. I got really skilled with that Mask. At a certain point I even fooled the school psychologist. (my friends had talked to my tutor who sent me to the school psychologist). After a few visits to her I just started acting. Every time we met, I made it so that I looked as if I was doing a little better. Until at one point according to her I seemed to be doing well enough to stop visiting her. I reached what I wanted. People thought I was doing well again.

    All this time my parents hadn't noticed anything. Eventhough I started skipping school more and more. I would just lay in bed in the mornings and tell my parents I had the day off, or the first few hours off. Then last year around february my parents went to Germany for a week. I sat behind my computer the whole week. Browsing forums and chatting to people. With a bottle of rum next to me. I was drunk all the time. Missed many nights of sleep. Didn't leave the house, except to go out to buy some more rum. Good thing I didn't have any school that week, cos of Carnaval.
    In march they went away for a week again. Again I didnt leave the house and didnt do anything but drinking and chatting. This time I did have school, but I called in sick at the beginning of the week and only started going back to school when my parents were back.
    For some strange reason my school never told my parents about the amound of classes I skipped those days. It only got worse and worse in the weeks after that. I kept on telling my parents I had free lessons and when they would say they thought it was a bit strange that I was home that much I would just say that that was normal in the last year of highschool. Because of the upcoming exams and stuff. I also fucked up most of my exams. Barely got any grades higher than a 3 or 4 (it goes from 1 - 10 over here). Sometimes I would even just leave in the middle of an exam. Knowing I would get a 1 but I just didnt give a shit. I felt like I wanted to die anyway. Don't ask me how, cos I have no clue, but eventually I did graduate. Mostly 6's on my endlist, except for English, German and Music. My parents were furious. They didn't see the fact that I graduated, nor that I had an 8 at my endlist for both English and Music. All they saw was that 5 for French and all the 6's. And that I had dropped Latin. As always they only saw the bad things.
    They saw all the bad things, except for the fact that their daughter was depressed, suicidal and wanted to die and hated herself and the place where she was.
    I think the only reason I made it through was because I, the damn fool, thought things would change once I'd moved out and start at University.

    Guess what. I went to Uni for a month or so when I started getting severely depressed again. Didnt do anything but staring at my computer and moving myself from the bed to the couch. Eventually when I realized I already was too far behind and that it was useless to go on because I had to do the year over anyway I dropped out. I told my parents and they were furious. Later on I explained the whole situation to my parents. I told them I'm depressed and that caused me to just not be able to keep going to Uni at this point. They still were furious. Eversince I've barely spoken to them. I barely go home. In the beginning we would phone like once a week or so. But now I haven't spoken to them since Christmas. They didnt'try to contact me either, except for a text saying that I had to transfer the money I owe them (they wanted me to pay back everything they'd payed for uni) to their account and a text saying "happy new year from all of us"

    then there's all the shit I'm in with people from here. Oh well it isn't even shit. I'ts just complicated relationships. I care too much about people. Keep trying to help everyone and keep blaming myself everytime something happens to someone else.

    A few people in particular have I started to care too much about. For example this one person I love to bits; part of me has started to see her as some kind of mother figure. I ask her for advice all the time, just because she always seem to have an answer to anything. She cracks me up a lot. She makes me smile a lot. I can talk to her about stuff. Everything I'd always wanted a mother to be. I know this is wrong but I can't help it.
    And then there's the tiring nights in chat, during which I try to help as many people as possible. Outnumbering myself in the hope to stop others from killing themselves. I feel the need to outnumber myself and punish myself because of the death of S. I feel the need to save others to make up for her death but also because I care about them.

    I want to die every day. More and more. But I can't do it. I'm too much of a chicken for it and besides I can't give my dad and his wife the pleasure of my death. Not now, not like this.

    fuck it. I can't write anything more right now.

    I'm sorry for the bother. I'm really sorry. Just had to let it out as I can't bother anyone in specific anymore.
    This isn't everything, but I just can't do it. Sorry.



    I don't get it, why am I still here. I can't do anything fucking right anyway.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2007
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm just sitting here, crying. Can't stop crying. Silently, so my housemates won't hear me.

    Everyone I care about seems to die. I'm so scared. What if the people I love so much are gonna die. I need to take distance from everyone. But I keep getting drawn back. I'm too far in it already. I care for them too much already.

    I don't want them to die! I don't want them to die. I can't handle them dying!
    I'm lost. can't think straight anymore. I can't deal with all this.

    I'm so sorry I couldnt stop you. I'm so sorry. I should've done more. It's my fault I know. I could've stopped you.

    I'm so sorry. I'm a fucking murderer. More than once I've fucking killed someone. More than tons of times I've fucking hurt someone so badly.

    I can't do this no more.
    I shouldnt even be ranting like this. Ahat's the point.

    fuck it.

    worst thing is people don't even have to be worried about me killing myself, cos I can't do it. :cry: :cry: :cry:

    I'm so good at killing others, but I can't even fucking kill myself... :cry: :cry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2007
  3. WingedBlood

    WingedBlood Member

    I've felt that way, Most of it actually. You see, my parents are like yours. Oblivious. And they reacted just like yours when I told the of my depression. Well maybe not, they didn't react at all. But yea, just hold on.

    From what you said, you're a really strong person. Because you've been through harsh situations and you're still standing. It's a battle field out there, and some play with a full deck, some cheat- and some are unfortunate enough to be born with a short deck. But that doesn't mean you should give up, because as long as you don't give up- there is still a chance that things will look up for you, that you may win.

    I know lots of people probably told you this, and I'm yet another voice. But, you've come this far into the story facing alot of hardships- overcoming hardships, why not go the whole way. Maybe a twist awaits you - one that will change your life for the better.

    If you want to talk about anything, feel free to pm/email me :)
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Darling, I'm lost for words. I really don't know what to say. I know how much you hurt over S and i know how much you blame yourself for her death. You know what i think of that whole situation because we've talk about it on a few occasions. You are not responsible for anyones death and you need to stop blaming yourself. I told you the other night that you put far to much guilt on yourself.

    You don't need this happy mask around me, the other night we talkep for a long time. A proper convosation about how you felt. You let your mask down for a bit, please don't put it up around me again. Yeah i do worry about you, but i worry more when you dont talk to me. I know you feel you hurt people when our honest, but what hurts is when you dont talk to me or anyone else. People can't get hurt without care being present. Time and time again i've told you that you can talk to me about anything. There was a time when you talked to me about anything. Things that you hadn't talked about with someone before. I love you to bits and you know i care about you a hell of alot.

    I know you see that person as a mother figure and thats not wrong at all! if anything its completely natural. I know how much you care for her and how much she means to you. I comepletley understand why you see her as a mother figure. Its not wrong at all.

    You can't keep taking other peoples problems, i told you that the other night. I told you, you can talk to me. It wont bring me down. Your trying to out number yourself with other peoples problems trying to cover up yours, thats not the way to help yourself. You know the way you have to get proper help. I told you in chat that i would talk to the people you was talking to. I knew you was gonna get down by it and it did.

    This is why i think you shoudl try cut down on SF, i know its hard hun. But your taking on other peoples problems and you can't handle it, its just bringing you down. Please think about it. I know you found it hard not being able to talk to other people but try cut down on SF a bit, i think it will do you the world of good. Its understandable why you try and take on other peoples problems and trying to help them, especially as you relate it back to S. But you gotta see this, you can't help people if your making yourself worse. You need to get yourself better before even considering helping others. I do know thats hard but there are other people to support them including me. We can handle it, you don't have to take it all only. I offered to try and help you talk to someone and you wouldn't let me, i offered because i knew it was gonna end up with you stressing out and i didn't want that, especially not with how you been feeling in the last few, weeks even months.

    You have SEVERE depression and you know its got worse. You told me you dont want to get better. I but i think deep down inside you do. You need to take the steps into getting that help. The help i talked about the other night. If not the medication then some kind of councelling. I know your not to keen on the councelling, thats completely understandable. Many people aren't keen on it but after the first few sessions things get easier. You won't have to talk about anything you dont want to. But i and many others think it will do you the world of goog to be able to talk to someone and not have the 'guilt' of talkign to someone who is depressed aswell. I honestly do think it will help you. Thats why i've been encouraging you to go to social work and sort out the doctor. Im not doing that for my sakes im doing it for yours and your own safety.

    I know your stressing about alot of things right now, money, job, future etc. But you gotta realise that you are severely depressed. That level of depression doesnt even allow us to do simple daily task's and thats exactly the case with you. Serve depression prevents ANYONE from holding down a job, i mean come on, how many severly depressed people do you see working, not many because they can't handle the stress of it. Exactly the same with school work. The depression prevented you from you uni work and you feel behind, thats a very common thing, for example you know how behind i am in my coursework. Its a common thing and you need to stop putting yourself down and calling yourself a failure, because thats anything but you! you don't see what other people do, we all put ourselfs down the worst. Say someone was in the exact same situation as yourself i gaurentee that you would not call them a failure, and the only reason you call yourself a failure is because its YOU. Its a very common thing to do, i bet most people here do it to themselfs. But the longer you put yourself down the longer this problem is gonna be there.

    Thats not true, you don't cause people to die not matter how much you ell yourself you do. Like i said before, upset is only caused when there is some kind of care there. We all care about you so damn much and its upsetting that we see you in so much pain and can't do anything to take it away. Thats why we get upset not because you cause us to be. Trust me on that.

    Stop worrying about other people dying hun, your not responsible for their lives. You caring about people is not the cause for their death. You gotta remember that.

    Okies seems i had a lot more to say than i thought i did.

    Sending you MILLIONS of hugs!!!!!!!!

    Love you

    Viks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2007
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Est, Im extremely proud of you for getting all this down, it cant have been easy to revisit so many of these issues, even though I know you live with them each and every day.

    I want to deal with everything if I can, my reply is going to be a long one.

    I cant imagine what it would be like to loose a parent, so young, you never really had a chance to get to know your mother, but that bond between mother and daughter is formed at birth. I know you miss her so, so much, its completely understandable and the uncertainty about her death brings even more pain. As we discussed the other night Est, I think when you can, you should seek out that information about her death, Im not saying its going to provide all the answers, but it might help to bring at least some answers, end at least some of the uncertainty. I know its not going to stop the pain Est, but something, anything that helps is a good thing.

    Your sexuality has played a defining role in your life so far. Sexuality is of course central to everyones identity, but for you its brought a lot of pain. The cruelty of the incident in high school, the lies, the bullying. It must have been incredibly hard to even go to school under those circumstances. I think you showed tremendous courage and strength to get through that period.

    The fact your father and his wife cannot seem to accept your sexuality is a very important issue I feel, in fact your relationship with you father is probably the most important issue of all. Its extremely sad to see your father has never really accepted your sexuality, perhaps your right, perhaps its this ideal that you step mother likes to portray of a perfect nuclear family. I really hope one day soon they will bring themselves to accept it and treat there daughter with the love and respect you deserve, because what there missing is a relationship with a very a special person, and later on in life, there going to regret that immensely.

    The incident of assault must have been extremely traumatic and then to have that compounded with the way those men treated you, well, to even survive that shows you have a massive heart, and a strength of spirit very few people possess. I dont what to say, to treat a woman that way, for that guy to even initiate that, he should be fucking shot. Im so so sorry that happened to you, I dont know what else to say.

    Your relationship with S, so close, so supportive. Est, you have to know that what happened is not your responsibility, you have to stop blaming yourself for the action she took. I know you feel a lot of guilt, but im sure S wouldnt want that, she wouldnt want you to put yourself through all this pain, the self loathing, nobody wants that.

    I agree with Vikki, you cant take on everyones problems and expect to survive. Your already carrying so much, you need to address so many things yourself, its not reasonable to expect that you can stop everyone from taking that decision. Please take some time for yourself, please, and perhaps a proper break from SF would be a good thing, please consider that again.

    Your an incredibly talented person, to be able to speak all the languages you do, you have a huge amount intelligence and ability to offer. So, some of your school grades werent absolutely perfect, nobody is perfect, nothing is perfect. I wish your dad and stepmum were more supportive, I know your suffering this guilt that your not good enough, well ive got news for you...you are good enough, you have so so much to offer. Youll get back to uni, and next time around things will be differant. I know you can make it...I have nothing but 100% faith in your ability to become what you want to be.

    Est, you know what strikes me about so much of your history? Its what people have done to you thats caused so much of this pain. Its not what youve done. You must stop hating yourself, you need to realise that whats happened in the past has so much more to do with other people and there actions, than it has with anything youve done. Your an incredible person, so compassionate, so caring, so much understanding and willingness to help others. We all care about you so much, we want you to get the help you need so you can move forward. I know you can do it, deep down you want to do it.

    I just want to touch on what Vikki spoke about with councelling. You might think it wouldnt help now, but seriously it can really give you a great deal of energy, and a new sense of purpose when you form a good relationship with a councellor or a psych. I know right now you dont want to do it, but when your in a position too, I really think pursueing that would be well worth your while.

    Ester, your there for so many people, you do so so SO much to help people, youve been there for me, youve been there so many times for so many people, but you need to know you cant be there for everyone, all of the time.

    Your caring for people doesnt cause there death, it just gives them more strength to carry on, and when people make that final decision, its there decision, your not responsible for that.

    Your an extremely special person Est, Ive never meet anyone with such a huge heart, such a willingness to help people, such a desire to be there for people and keep them safe.

    Im always going to be here for you Est, whenever you need me, or want to talk, you know that. I know you prefer to write, so please, please, use my email whenever you can. I really want to be there for you, you deserve all the support in the world.

    I hope this reply has been of some help.

    Matt :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2007
  6. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    I don't think there is anything I can say in response that would do what you've said justice. I feel unworthy to comment, I must seem like such a fraud with my puny little problems compared to you.

    All I can really do is offer you one of these

  7. blub

    blub Guest

    uhm.. wat voel ik me nu weer stom zeg, geen idee wat ik hier nog aan moet toevoegen. Matt en vikkers hebben het eigenlijk al allemaal gezegd.
    Maar wat ik nog wil zeggen is. Iedereen maakt wel eens iemand overstuur of geeft iemand het gevoel dat ie dood wil. Hoe vaak mijn ouders of wat vrienden me dat gevoel wel niet hebben gegeven. Maar toch zijn het hun die me ook weer tegenhouden. Dat is wat er gebeurd als mensen om elkaar geven, dan kan je iemand kwetsen of iemand pijn doen en ook andersom. Dat is normaal, je moet jezelf niet de schuld geven van alles. Want dat is echt niet zo. Je bent een fantastische meid en ik vind het echt zo jammer dat je dat zelf niet ziet. Nu weet ik echt niks meer te zeggen >.<
    Gewoon bellen of chatten als het nodig is
    Heel veel knufs van blubs
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    please stop telling me to contact you guys when I need it. I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER ANYONE!!!!!

    :cry: :cry: :cry:

    I shouldn't even be posting this shit.
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Oi don't even start that hun, we talked about this this morning. You have every right to post this. We talked about this earlier, you said it kinda helped, if it helped a little bit then it was worth it. You don't bother me in the slightest and i've told you that so many times that you should start to believe me. We've talked quite a bit over the past few week or so and not in one bit did you bother me. I know why you don't wanna be completely open with someone, thats why i tried to get you to tell me early this morning because i wanna prove that it won't happen to me or anyone else.

    Love ya to bits,


  10. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    I once went out with a lass and we both knew she had little time left, she'd often said things like "You can't help me, no-one can" and that turned out to be true. When she died, she left me a message saying how much she'd enjoyed our time together and stuff, it wasn't her fault or my fault it was just the way her brain was wired together. She often said that I should have had nothing to do with her and maybe she was right, I don't really know I can't make sense of it.

    I've tried to blame her, myself, other people who tried to help her, her family etc. I gave up on that though, it's a futile exercise, she'd simply accepted that although it was terrible, it was just the way things were. Maybe she was right. Oh and I'm sorry but I can't say that you are free to contact me, it's just that I simply can't care about anyone and I can't let anyone care about me. It's a choice people are free to make, but it's a lonely life and not one many could put up with.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2007
  11. isobel.

    isobel. Member

    I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I truly wish I could. Reading that, I honestly admire you. I don't think I could have gone through so many things, survived all that, and I hope it gets better for you from now on.. And you can contact me anytime, it would never bother me. I'd only be happy to help as much as I can.
  12. blub

    blub Guest

    Je bothered helemaal niemand en tuurlijk moet je dit wel posten. Je zegt dat zelfs tegen mij, dan moet jij het al helemaal doen. Je verdiend hulp en volgens mij heb je het ook nodig. We geven heel veel om je, tuurlijk ben je ons geen last. Tuurlijk kunnen we verdrietig, getriggerd worden, maar dat maakt niet uit. Dat zijn emoties en die hebben we niets voor niets.
    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :cry: thank you everyone. Thank you very much. But I'm not gonna contact you. I'm gonna try to keep y'all out of it. I can't have any more people I care about dying. Whenever I tell someone how much I truly care for them, how much I truly love them they end up dying. And I'm not gonna cause another death. Not one more single death. I can't deal with that anymore. I'm sorry

    :cry: :cry: :cry:
  14. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Darling what did i sa to you last night, the reason i asked you to be honest with me and tell me what you want to is to PROVE to you that im not gonna die. I wanna prove that to you. Im not gonna die and neither is anyone else. You being honest with someone doesn't cause their deaths and you need to stop thinking it will. Be honest with the people you want to be honest with, be honest with me. Its killing me know that you want to be honest with them, me but you can't. I know you said its not important but obviously it is if you wanna talk about it to those people. No one is gonna die. Stop thinking they are because its not true.