Back in mid august, I had an awful day, I probably posted about it here so some of you may remember, I was arrested after causing a fuss at the department store my wife worked at and tried to slit my wrists in the back of the police car, I cried, and begged to die, while in the station, and eventually when I was released (an £80 legalised bribe later) they told me I should go see the crisis team at the hospital, when I went I was made to wait 4 hours during which time I fell asleep before I could see anyone. During the interview, the people I spoke to seemed to be very nice and caring, I was tired by this point, and emotionally drained so much so that My sister and I couldn't stop ourselves falling into hysterics while regaling in our various horrific and almost fiction-like accounts of our lives. It was quite hard because at that point I really just wanted to go to sleep, I said to Sarah, do you want to tell them? When they pushed me, I kinda defaulted into the standard life story, the one I've told a million times and which never gets me anywhere. They asked me lots of things and I did my best to answer an be honest as I felt sure they would be able to and would want to help me, I tried to cover a fair bit about my childhood as the CBT woman I had seen, believed this to be the primary cause of my depression, I didn't agree but wanted to let the crisis team people make up their own minds. I told them that I often completely lacked energy or motivation, that I would often not both to get dressed and would try to sleep many hours of the day simply to make them pass, I told them that no matter how much I slept I still felt unrested, like I had been tossing and turning. I discussed issues that I'd had years ago at school, how I'd been to a number of different schools due to moving and such and that I was always bullied. and how I had come to be diagnosed with dyslexia and be home educated. I told them that my mother told me that I had been ridiculed by teachers at school because they thought I was lazy, though I couldn't be certain this was true as I didn't remember personally. I don't remember telling them that I'd attacked any of the teachers at my schools, in fact I'm quite sure I didn't so I'm not sure how they found out, none the less, it is true but it never resulted in any disciplinary action and was I think 3 separate incidents with 3 separate teachers at different schools (it might have been 2) I may have mentioned that I was bullied for such a thing, as the kids at my other school were under the impression I had been expelled even though it wasn't true, maybe I mention that, I don't remember. I told them how my mother had put me into therapy after she had decided that I was the cause of all the families problems. And how my elder brother had died of a cot death and that I'd been had as a replacement. I told them that I'd stopped going to university many months ago, because I found the hassle too much, it felt pretentious, and unimportant, I felt as if my life was coming apart and the least important thing in the world was drawing venn diagrams. I said that I had been going to the CBT but i didn't like it because I found the woman to be patronising, and it was difficult for me to accept or take seriously her sudo-science. I told them that about a month previous I had upped the dose of my citalopram from 20mg to 40mg and I thought this might be why I was starting to feel more crazy, that I didn't feel any happier but had more energy and motivation than I was used to and it was driving me mad to the point where I would scream and yell and nothing and attack the walls, doors, furniture etc. I told them that since my wife and I had split up she had moved out and that according to her the land lord consider her to be the primary tenant and wanted us to move out asap, I was worried because all my student loan went into her account and so I had no money, I had no way of paying the rent and didn't know what I was going to do. I told them that my appetite varies, and that sometimes I can go all day eating nothing and other times I will eat tonnes. I said that sometimes I will go into the kitchen, stare into the cupboards at the food for ages, and just feel totally uninspired and end up leaving having not gotten anything. I told them how after my ex had phone my grandparents and bitched at them, they no longer wanted anything to do with us, essentially cutting us off the the last family we had who still took an interest. I told them how I had to move away from my mother after her paster/boyfriend/whatever, beat me. I told them about how crazy my mother was, how when she was young she pretended to have leukaemia in order to try and stop my dad from going to university, I told them that I hated her and hadn't seen her for years, and genuinely did want to kill her, for what she'd done to both myself and my sister. I told them that I though about suicide a lot, that I had made one previous attempt, I was actually in the chatroom here at the time, that it wasn't very serious though and was more a case of me proving I could do it, that I took an overdose about about 16 or so paracetamol, plus the rest of my anti depressants and morphine, I eventually got tired and just went to sleep. I told them in a jokingish fashion that I don't think I'm paranoid but its hard to tell because people really do seem to be out to try and get me, and that it would be more convenient for my wife, If I killed myself as she wouldn't have to deal with a divorce. I told them in advance that I was sorry if I sounded insincere but that I was very tired and worn out and that I often use sarcasm to cover up for my vulnerability. I mentioned that I had abused morphine on a couple of occasions, and that it made me feel great, I said that i wasn't addicted or anything, but that I had used it as an escape and that the high felt fantastic, I told them, that the reason I was still alive could be because I'd at least had that to make myself feel better for a short time. I told them that I felt like I really needed some kind of sedative or something to calm me down because I was going completely crazy, they told me something about not being able to give me drugs and the pharmacy being closed and that they would write to my GP (general practitioner - doctor) this was on the friday, so I would have to wait out the weekend before I could see him, I told them that I wasn't sure I could last that long, but well I just tried to stay asleep for as much of it as I could. anyway... After making a request under the data protection act, and paying my £10 admin fee, I finally have a copy of that letter, the one they sent to my GP, it's been photocopier chopped somewhere along the way, I think just the last sentence is missing, I will have to see if I can chase down the original, but I think it is important for people to see, just how two-faced these mental health workers can be, considering I re-attempted last weekend, it might even be grounds for criminal negligence. I'll black out the contact info, names and such just because I don't want the site to get into trouble, but I'm quite happy to give out what information I have (not much at the moment) if anyone wants it.