Beyond help.

[patodemuerte]

I completely, fully, honestly, believe I am beyond help. I can think of nothing more that I wish for than to die. Nothing more that I have wished for on every "celebratory" occasion than to cease to exist. Everyday seems to be another battle, against myself. I've been like this for years, about 6, it started off pretty harmless, but as I've grown older its completely been amplified by my perception on life.

I cant stop questioning the importance of life. Of reality. Is this real?? I dont think so, i dont think people are real. I dont hear things or see things though I am plagued by thoughts much of the time. Thoughts some people would probably consider delusions.

I am certain you will one day hear of me on the news. Which is why I want to take the liberty of ridding the world of me BEFORE I cause so much damage. I fear I will do something horrible, something I have wanted to do for so long. I fear i will become a murderer. perhaps throw a Mass in front of that.

I am not yet 18, though it is coming up within the year. As of now I feel helpless to do much more than plan my up and coming destruction. Whether it be to myself or others as well.

I feel as though I need to say this, get it off my chest, perhaps get an opinion or two on it. Would I be doing the right thing in killing myself, before I harm so many innocents? I believe I would, and it only adds to serve positive to my dislike of living. Kind of like a win-win situation for everyone who actually, enjoys, living.

I dont want to put up with me. I didnt ask for life. I dont want it. My family deserves so much more than me. I feel like im just waiting around now until I turn 18 and can go through with my plan, like that may be my reason to live?? (for that short time) I dont know.

Perhaps I lost my mind long ago, though I feel as though I see so clearly now. More clearly than I have ever. Still, I am so lost.

Yep, this indeed, was a waste of everyones time.

 

[gentlelady]

It was not a waste of time for me to read through what you had to say. What makes you feel that you will do so much harm to others? Remember thoughts are just that-thoughts. That does not mean you will or have to act on them. Have you received any kind of help for the issues you face? The fact that you worry about harming someone shows you have a conscience and know right from wrong. I do not think you are beyond help. You have taken the first step in reaching out to us here. That is not an easy thing to do. Please do not act in haste. Exert all options before making decisions of this magnitude. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:

 

[Random]

For what it's worth, I know how you feel. The only thing that holds me back is that I don't really want to die and leave the people I care about. But I know beyond a doubt that in my own case, it's almost completely pointless to continue and will only ultimately lead me into circumstances that are beyond escape. I want to live but I only want to live on my terms. And they're not possible.