beyond life now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sam25uk, Dec 13, 2011.

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  1. sam25uk

    sam25uk New Member

    Hello guys, good to be here and get out some of my feelings.

    Im absolutely peed off beyond words. I am at the point where I cant possibly want to be here anymore at all.

    I am in so much trouble its never going to be repaired.

    My main problem.... gambling but theres load others to go with it which makes in 20 times worse.

    Going back to my childhood, I lived here with my mum, nan and uncle. My uncle was almost like a best mate but when I was young he was diagnosed with parkinsons disease.

    He was quite a gambler, took me into bookies before I was a legal age (in fact when we were in town id wait outside the bookies while he would go in and put his bets on). I had gambling all around me with him. If he won on the horses that day he would give me £20.

    Growing up I have social anxiety, completely have no friends, nothing and then guess what? my mother (my uncles sister) was diagnosed with parkinsons too..... and guess again what? that means thanks to doctors diagnosis's and the fact they have "early onset" parkinsons im 99.9% likely to get it and start showing symptoms (such as dribbling, constant shaking, problems talking) before im even 30. My uncle passed away a few years back.

    So yea, my main route to escape the past 7 years? gambling. Its only got terrible this year. I was blowing all my wages. Everything. I have had nothing at all for many months.

    My all new low started a few months back. My ex girlfriend revealed shes pregnant (its mine) and she decided to keep it. So with all that as well as working in a dead end job I seriously hate.

    I went off the rails, gambling was worse than ever, however I did meet a new girlfriend, god knows how.

    My all time low happened a few weeks ago. I started gambling using my nans card as I had no money of my own.

    You know what? I really went too much tonight, maxed out her debit card, losing over £3000 so shes also now overdrawn, I then took out a payday loan of £400 that I simply cant afford and gambled every last penny of it. You know what makes it worse to top it all off? I heard my ex was rushed into hospital earlier for something to do with the baby, I cant even get there as she lives away and no idea what hospital.

    Its a living hell, always problem after problem.

    The gambling (im a compulsive gambler):
    (of course the all time new low), have had various forms of help, GA, gamcare and other gambling help sites that have been some help but I always slip back into bad ways. The all time low means prison or a family that will throw me out/never speak to me again. Regardless of what I say she (my nan) wont listen and wont even be considerate (as i explain below).

    The Social anxiety:
    Well its totally ruined my life, I havent been able to make new friends, a lot of people seem to think im always nervous. In fact sometimes when I have been out to pubs or clubs whilst sober, people thought I was on drugs. I used to have friends at college, but they soon dropped me because in big social groups im useless because of the SA.

    My general lifestyle:
    Very poor indeed. I smoke very heavily as you can imagine, I drink a fair bit too and eat very unhealthily. I feel tried all the time and if im honest I feel like I could sleep all day.

    My home life:
    Frustrating to say the least. My nan is something like 75, shes always been the same, because shes had to look after disabled people a lot of her life she almost treats me like im disabled and useless too. I tell her something, anything, she never listens. If she doesnt hear what I say, she doesnt say "pardon?" or "what?", she just simply says "mmmm", "yea", "yea". The other day for example, she was going out with my aunty, I said "its pouring with rain outside, you should have a coat on" and she said "mmmmmm" and nodded. Then my aunty came up and she opened the door and said to her "flipping heck, i didnt know it was raining, i best get my coat on".

    My mum is no good either. As she has parkinsons you cant explain anything to her. Her mind is going and she forgets all the time. Shes been telling me every single day for the past 2 weeks that it must be cold in my room and I should get another blanket to sleep with. Iv told her time and time again that im fine, its warm enough but she keeps telling me everyday which is becoming frustrating.

    The Parkinsons (PD) worry:
    Its going to happen. I mean very subtlety there has been changes in me linked to the disease over the past few years. With of course SA, some things can be linked to PD. Im nervous a lot of the time, I sometimes give off the nervous facial expression whilst talking to someone and on very few occasions I have been close to dribbling but have thought "no, swallow". Obviously in years to come when im fully diagnosed the other worry is whats going to happen? My uncle had my nan to care for him when he went downhill, my mum has also had my nan to care for her when she has her bad days. My nan doesnt have many years left so whats going to happen? By time I get to a bad stage ill be put in a home regardless and to be honest that could well be before im 45 (my uncle was at his worst state because of the disease at just 41, he died a year later at 42).

    The baby and the ex GF:
    Another massive issue. I was not ready in the slightest for a kid but she wanted to keep it. It was a controlling relationships where I wasnt even allowed to talk to another girl at all. She genuinely loved me more than anything in the world. Even when it ended because I just couldnt take it anymore she always wanted me back. I was going to tell her I had a new gf as soon as I could but some stiring bitch I had on my FB profile saw I was in a relationship and told the ex which had broken her heart completely. As much as she was controlling I still feel the guilt for upsetting her by leaving. She lives about 100 miles away so my plan was to better myself so I could be there for the baby. She got in contact recently when she found out and kept on telling me to do the right thing and leave my gf and be there for the baby. She cried on the phone endless times. Then tonight (of all nights after the 3k loss on my nans card) she text me saying "Im in hospital having bad problems, something to do with our unborn child, if anything happens to the baby ill never forgive you". (im being blamed for it because she blames me for casuing her "stress" which can harm the baby)

    The future:
    As above, its very bleak. Gotta tell my nan tomorrow about my gamble, she will really go over the top on me. Either she will demand that I leave the house for good, or not listen fully, and get her bank to open a "fraud investigation" which will mean ill be in trouble for fraud or something and of course be in more trouble than I can handle.

    I got the worry about whats gonna happen to my unborn baby, and all of the above.

    Iv been to the dr's many times, because I know im going down a depression path, others can see it too, but the drs claim its only stress related and dont even help. I have tried suicide twice where police pulled me down the hospital but still they tell me im not depressed.

    Seriously no ideas anymore :(. Ready over it, things almost sound like im making it up because it feels that extreme.....I wish I was :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to SF hun i think it is time to sign yourself into get addiction program Gambling anonymous attend groups get help to stop okay One thing at a time you need to address
    This should be a start You cannot help anyone until you get yourself together.
  3. sam25uk

    sam25uk New Member

    Hey there and thanks for the reply. I think thats been the problem so far, there hasnt been any help whatsoever. Theres no GA meetings locally or anywhere near me. I used the GA websites live chat once. Was no good, they have a "casinos and gambling ads are not to blame" policy. I know full well that what has got me slipping back into gambling easier than it is already is the advertising and the casinos themselves (take our local arcade, I self excluded myself from there a year ago, but it was only a month ago the staff were standing outside and they said to me I should go in and play and win some freeplays. I went in, blew £300 out of my wallet even though I self excluded so was banned and should never be allowed in) so I explained that to them and they kicked me out of the chatroom.

    I have tried gamcare, but theres no ongoing support at that place, once you start to recover the support stops and slips are easier to happen.

    even had blocking software for my pc, but if i was completely tempted I just used another pc or my phone.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Is there no programs through the hospital you can attend addiction program there Here they have that helps treat all addictions It is so hard to beat this without professional help.
    Have you thought about going to a therapist a psychologist even that could help you with your addiction one that could help you perhaps pick up a different coping method to replace the gambling one therapist individual one could work.
  5. sam25uk

    sam25uk New Member

    sadly nope, in the UK theres 1 massive problem...... government greed. The way they see it is gambling = easy tax money for them, they tax the casinos/bookies/arcades of course and technically as far as im aware if you won something at a casino you are meant to declare it as taxable income (so if you deposit and lose the government get tax off the casino, if you deposit and win they get tax off both you and the casino). Since they are more than happy with the tax they gain and without a massive amount of compulsive gamblers around (theres a lot but not an extreme amount) they see no reason to fund any gambling recovery programs through the healthcare or any other service.

    I did try counciling a while back but they never really helped, it was the case of them going through things that were not even related.

    I have told my family about slipping up and using their money today, they were annoyed but stayed calm and want to help me
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dam Government they know the harm these gambling casinos cause I am sorry they do not fund help for people with addictions like yours I am glad your family were not to upset hun I hope they are able to find some sort of help for you hugs Have you ever tried hypnosis I have heard it worked for some addictions i have never tried it myself though hugs
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am glad that your family are willing to help you through this. What causes you to feel the need to gamble? What feelings do you get when you do it?
  8. sam25uk

    sam25uk New Member

    hypnosis does sound like a brilliant idea actually and something i may have to look into.

    Yea I agree with that, just to show how little regulations there are in the UK, there was the situation with "self exclusion" at the arcade. Now "self exclusion" means admitting you have a problem and cant gamble responsibly, its the same as ways an alcoholic can say to a pub "look guys, i am an alcoholic, its ruining me, please dont let me in or serve me alcohol". The arcade stated that because im self excluded I could not even go in there again, if i walked in they would get security to throw me out for trespassing. But they were the 1's who then lured me in there to play and lose £300. I went to gambling regulators, and other companys to complain but nobody took it seriously and nothing happened as a result. If an alcoholic was lured into a pub after admitting their problem and was served alcohol then there would be a lot of trouble for the pub.

    AM - Yea im glad they are willing to help, after what iv done im very surprised but perhaps they saw what its doing to me. I think everything triggers my gambling. With the other things happening in my life, when I feel low im used to gambling to get away from the low feeling, boredom triggers it a lot of the time too or if I have barely any money I have though "well a quick go at the casino and I could double my balance and have money"
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