Beyond the void

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mert, Sep 4, 2007.

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  1. Mert

    Mert Member

    I feel worse than I ever have before. I just started school today, and I became unbearably jealous of everybody around me. They were all just so happy! They had girlfriends/boyfriends, circles of friends, happy memories, mental security, love, happiness... I feel so completely left out of everything! Everything that really matters to me fails. My depression is so deep that it's become something of a physical pain; a black, swirling sensation that constantly engulfs my body. I want to remember what it was like to have fun, to be happy, to enjoy life, if I ever had such beautiful feelings. I want to die so badly, and the next time I try to commit suicide, I won't make the mistake of telling people a full day in advance. I'll save my goodbyes for the last minute. I feel so lonely, now that I am in love, but this loneliness is incapable of being filled for a strange, philosophical monster such as myself.

    So, I ask this question with no levity whatsoever. I am entirely serious. Does anybody know where a minor such as myself could get a hold of a handgun? This is my preferred method of death, the only method that I could easily bring myself to do. I expect answers to this question.

    Sue, I was deeply touched by your life story. I know that what happened to you may very well happen to my parents. I will do everything I can to ease that pain for them, but yes, I know that the pain is unavoidable. What you need to understand is how cruel it is to keep people like myself alive. All I'm doing is suffering, burning emotionally in an incessant agony, a living hell. I don't think it will change, even when I take anxiety medicine to help me think rationally when I have no rational reason to think rationally. I have to draw the line and be selfish somewhere. So listen. In part because of what you told me, I'm going to do my best to hold out until the end of college. I've been told plenty of great things about college, so I'm optimistic that maybe things will improve for me there. But if they don't, that will be the end. No ifs, ands, or buts. And I can't guarantee that I'll make it that long, anyway. Deal? That's the best I can offer.

  2. Roobear

    Roobear Member

    Philosophical Monster??

    I think it's more like the other kids haven't matured yet to where you’re at mentally. This may make you feel socially awkward but the truth is if you don't want to feel left out then it's your responsibility to join in and make friends. Your attitude and your feelings are your responsibility.

    Why wait till college? You’re smart, if you want to experience others of your intellect then look into summer camps for gifted kids your age (sometimes they're called college for kids programs and they are hosted by different colleges in the summer.) You could also look into getting scholarships and attending a private school for gifted kids.

    In the mean time you should view your intelligence as a good thing, good grades come easy for you and you don't have to worry about if you'll graduate in the future, or if you'll get into college. If you continue to study and work hard, I'm sure your future could be very successful. Unlike some of those "happy people" that you are so jealous of, that are very worried about those exact things. Even if they're not worried about that stuff yet, trust me in the future they will be.
  3. Papa Bear

    Papa Bear New Member

    Mert, I am a new member and I have read the threads you have posted on. I have been drawn to them by your obvious display of intellect far beyond your years. You seem to think of this as a burden, and probably for those of us not so gifted it would feel as such. I am sorry that I cannot give you an escape from those thoughts, but is it really an escape that you desire? Maybe it's just a direction that is needed. Seek a direction, an outlet if you will, for your feelings and emotions. Write poetry or songs, or get really ambitious and write a story or a book. Stay focused on school - sometimes a point of focus can help redirect your thoughts and give temporary relief from the weight of life. I really don't know what I can say to make you feel better, but go back and re-read Sue's posting to you. It is obvious from your messages that you have many family members and even a few friends that care very deeply for you. Take strength from this! There are others out there not so fortunate. You continue to talk of what you see as a permanent solution to your problems. Ending the swirling hopelessness by releasing your life into the nothingness beyond... And yet you express a desire to remember what it was like to be happy, "if ever (you) were". We are all born carefree and with innocence and the choices we make or are made for us shape us into who we become. As such, there was a time that you WERE happy and carefree. The problem is that you have lost that memory and have forgotten the sensation involved with being happy. Being carefree is probably unique to us as children because, inevitably, we all get caught in the web of cares that is life. But we can still feel happiness and enjoy MOMENTS of feeling carefree. Seek those moments one at a time, and perhaps, one day you will find that those moments occupy more of your time in this life than the alternatives. I cannot say definitively that you will find this, but I can hope and pray that you, and everyone with feelings similar to yours can find rest in these MOMENTS. I was not as philosophically mature as you at the same point in my life, but I recall the emotions involved with unrequited love, loneliness, unacceptance, etc... I eventually found my place in this world, and though I still struggle often with feelings of hopelessness and despair and pain so deep that it threatens to eat me from inside, I remind myself of those things that I do have - family and a few close friends. Don't ever lose sight of what you DO have. If it helps, then continue to take life one day at a time. Live in the now, leave the past behind, and leave tomorrow to itself for it will become today soon enough. There is love, hope, and maybe even faith out there for you Mert. It may be up to you to find it but it is out there waiting for you. :biggrin:
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