Am I overreacting? I probably am. I've not been well for a while... I've been 'indulging' in SH... not sleeping most nights, not been able to leave my flat, not even to take the bins out... My days have consisted of waking at 8am to talk to my boyfriend once he started work... going out a few times while he was online so I could chat to him if I started to panic... and then going to appointments with my therapist. I have recently started therapy and it's opened up a lot of the abuse I have been through during my life... with it, my anxiety has worsened. I jump at every sound, I panic if there's a sound too close to my door... if I go outside and someone gets too close to me I just want to jump and run away. Thursday night things got a bit scary for me... I've had suicidal impulses for ages, they come on and off... and if I hold stuff that might be used as a method I can be at risk of acting on it... while I actually am trying to plan a happy future... When I was cooking I accidentally hurt myself on the wrapping for the pasta, and it made me SH on impulse, more and more, every time I did something it gave me an impulse to do it again, and again... and I was worried for my life. I had no control... usually SH is something I do following a panic attack, like I told the people at the psych ER it usually 'makes sense'... This was not me being in control of anything at all. I called the number my therapist had given me, and found I could barely speak. The nice lady at the other end helped me to say what was going on, and she even ordered transport for me. I made it there, had a talk with a therapist and a doctor who looked at my cuts and one of the old ones that was infected... They decided on sending me back home... but gave me Seroquel to take tonight and a few more if I needed it again. The doctor told me to take them next time I felt like hurting myself. Until Friday morning I've never had any form of psych meds... I've been offered it before but I said I wanted to try my luck at therapy first. The therapist at the psych ER agreed with me, but said I should try that pill and see if I liked it. Okay... back to what is making me worry right now I had emailed my LDR boyfriend while I was waiting on the ride... I had gone outside, away from anything I could harm myself with... and yeah, being outside was freaking me out. There were some drunk students outside... and I needed comfort. I looked at pictures of him on my phone and it helped... and I was realizing he'd be so worried if I wasn't online in the morning. I told him where I was going and that I'd be in good hands, and when they sent me home I told him too... saying I'd be sleeping late (I only made it home at 4.30 in the morning)... When I finally woke up, thanks to the alarm and some coffee... and talked to him I was still pretty doped. He was so concerned for me... he wanted me to tell him what happened the night before, what caused it, if my ex had tried to contact me, if that was it... I think he feels responsible though. And he's not. I tried to avoid talking too much about it... I still haven't fully processed all that happened that night... I know I was slow to reply... but he seemed slower. I know he said work was busy... that has happened before, and to be honest he shouldn't be spending work days talking to his girlfriend I guess. But yeah... I worry I've freaked him out too much... We've talked about how I sometimes pretend to be happier and healthier than I am, I talked with my personal therapist about that too... I tend to put everyone before me. I am trying to spare those who care most, and as a result I try to bottle my own problems. And it's destroying me from the inside out. And I worry that I'll push him away... if I'm not open enough... I mean, who can trust someone who just smiles and says "I'm fine, I promise" when she's not... and if I'm too honest... well he knows my story. He knows it all... When we first found each other I wanted to scare him away so I told him my entire messed up story... that's 19 months ago. But what if this is too much? He really struggles with me cutting myself. He feels so sick about it. And I can't blame him... We were supposed to have a 'skype date' on Friday and I had looked forward to it. He wasn't 100% sure he could borrow his friend's tablet though... but by Friday he didn't even mention that. So... either he doesn't want to see me (ugh. thank you depressed brain)... or he didn't want to upset me because he couldn't get the tablet... Most weekends we don't have any contact... he hasn't been able to replace his broken laptop, and he can only be online at work or when he can borrow a tablet or laptop... so it's not out of the ordinary. I just... yeah... I am worried about losing him. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's been such a trooper. He has his own issues, and we help each other. He's made me smile so much, even laugh like I haven't done in years before I met him. Without him I wouldn't be alive today and that's a fact. And on most days I look forward to building a future with him... when I am more stable, and we move together I want to start a happy little family with him like I never had. Please tell me I haven't blown my one chance at a happy life with a loving man by my side??