Big Black Hole called death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by among the stars, Mar 16, 2008.

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  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    I dont like to show my emotions to anyone - i hold them in until I cant stand it anymore, which is really bad but what else can i do? I don't know who I can trust anymore.

    I recently lost my mom after an 8 yr battle against ovarian cancer -- i'd already lost my dad the day after i was born -- so my mom was everything to me.
    Like it read on the prayer card: "I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one, I'd like to leave an after-glow of smiles when day is done, I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways, of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days, I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun, of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done" How can Mom's memory be a good one when all I can think of is the last few months before her death and how badly I wish that I could change things. I would give anything ,ANYTHING to see my mom again. I know that anger is a big part of grieving but all i want to do beat out the anger that keeps building up inside my heart and inside my soul and its getting so bad that sometimes i dont feel anything or when i do -- all i think about is "I wanna commit suicide" and think about how im gonna do it.

    i am depressed all the time but not many people know cuz I'm good at hiding my pain. I already had the suicide thoughts but now...now is different - I've have a knife and been thinking about using it - but never actually done anything...that is until now. I've cut my wrist and my hands this morning but was stopped by a friend.

    I just dont want to be here anymore -- i have several knives that i have been cutting myself with...i need help but i wont get it -- i wont go and get it...
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    dear forever

    i am so sorry to read about your loss. my mother died 18 months ago and i'm still grieving. take all the time you need to heal.

    i also know how low you must be feelign to be considering suicide. you are depressed, and you are grieving. do not make any big decisions right now, especially ones about life and death. sounds like you are trying to express your inner pain by cutting, and if so that's not as rare as you might think.

    try and think of one person who might help you get the support you need during this difficult time. your friend who stopped you cutting earlier, might he/she help?

    depression can be cured, and i promise you won't always feel as sad and desperate as you do right now. a support group with other people who have lost parents might also be something to think about, down the road

    but, for now, know that we will be here to listen. please consider reaching out for some help. there are more people out there to help than you ever imagined.

    catherine
     
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your mom's passing. My family died off in a matter of years. I was close to my cousin, and I thought we'd look after each other, but he developed schizophrenia and eventually disappeared. I'm going through all sorts of stresses myself, especially the inability to maintain normal relationships. So I can relate to your pain.
     
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