Big Decision

Lane

SF Supporter
#1
A former coworker that I really like is in a bad situation. She was getting abused at home. She moved in with another man that did the same. Shes a gentle animal lover and has no family to turn to. I took her out to dinner one time and I just appreciate gentle kind natured people. i know this isn't about me but, she has been living in a hotel with her 2 cats and small dog so she asked if she cdan stay with me. I have an extra bedroom, while she saves some money or....I don't know if I'm making the right decison, but, my gut tells me when I needed that job and it was that crew of women that was there. And, its temporary (so i believe, ha) .

I told my daughter and she said, well how can you not help someone whos going through that? I did fall into a relationship with a Narcissistic abuser for 4 years that progressively started with the pinches then escalated to one day in a drunken rage, almost crushing my throat, where i had a sore throat for a while. It was dangerous and traumatizizing. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
 
#2
Hey, I hope this works out

I'm sorry that you were in an abusive relationship, but I'm glad you got away from it.
my gut tells me when I needed that job and it was that crew of women that was there
I don't understand this part

There might be some domestic abuse resources out there that could give some guidance, or at least if you talk to people who also have experience with DV, they might have some good feedback.

Do you think there's any risk that the abuser might come around again, or that she might reestablish a relationship with him or another abuser?
 

1964dodge

when you help others you help yourself
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
I think it's nice of you to help @Lane and the right thing to do to help someone that is suffering. but to keep yourself safe and not being used you may want to set a time limit like a month or 3 months. if it works out well you can extend it as long as is necessary. but if there is a problem you don't have to kick her out. either way I hope things work out for both of you....mike...*console*hug
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#4
Hey, I hope this works out

I'm sorry that you were in an abusive relationship, but I'm glad you got away from it.

I don't understand this part

There might be some domestic abuse resources out there that could give some guidance, or at least if you talk to people who also have experience with DV, they might have some good feedback.

Do you think there's any risk that the abuser might come around again, or that she might reestablish a relationship with him or another abuser?
Thanks for answering @may71. I told her that she couldn't have anyone come here. Shes at a hotel now and I'm going to get her on Friday. She is a supervisor at a Fortune 500 company, meaning employed but just from what I've heard has been with a few bad men in the past year and 1/2. She also has animals so I'm going to have her stay in the extra room with them hopefully for one month or so.

I worked with her and a group of girls. It was there that when I needed a job, one if the girls put in a good word for me while I was a temp. Working there allowed me to have a job on the books so that I could save money and get a mortgage. I feel like I can't turn her away, maybe I'm trying to rationalize because I really shouldn't be helping anyone when I'm trying to get back on my own feet, ha.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#5
I think it's nice of you to help @Lane and the right thing to do to help someone that is suffering. but to keep yourself safe and not being used you may want to set a time limit like a month or 3 months. if it works out well you can extend it as long as is necessary. but if there is a problem you don't have to kick her out. either way I hope things work out for both of you....mike...*console*hug
You're right @1964dodge, Mike. Maybe I should make a list of things to talk about like length of stay, I was going to give her space in fridge, and no men can have address.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#6
Hey, I hope this works out

I'm sorry that you were in an abusive relationship, but I'm glad you got away from it.

I don't understand this part

There might be some domestic abuse resources out there that could give some guidance, or at least if you talk to people who also have experience with DV, they might have some good feedback.

Do you think there's any risk that the abuser might come around again, or that she might reestablish a relationship with him or another abuser?
I think that I will call or have her call the women's shelter, that's a really good idea. If anything, maybe she would be interested in counseling.
 

extraterrestrialone

assembled words vs disjointed thought.
SF Supporter
#8
hi @Lane . i’m in agreement with everything i’ve read in this thread so i hope i get those feelings across well. it is kind and i can understand your doing this kind of thing for a friend as you described above and as others have commented on. but having lived through what i consider similar experiences i am seeing another side and this post has stayed on my mind for more than an hour now rather than letting me go back to sleep.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.
You can easily see i’m thinking about a negative side to this that might be answering your question above so please also consider this: that i’m a person who regularly says i am not in touch with my own feelings so you may need a grain of salt for this.

then there is also the very valid point that i don’t know you or your friend or much at all about the situation so maybe where do i come off presenting something bad for something that actually is good?

then there is also the point that in the experiences i consider similar, they may have been unique to my family (when i was growing up) or to me only or to those recipients of kindness that added the unfortunate negative ingredient.

all this said, i do have reservations that i think should be considered in the situation you are mentioning. they pertain to stays of friends and or relatives where each one lasted longer than planned, expected and ultimately desired. they all ended up in an ended friendship. (here again, some of these situations involved my father so he could be the common denominator in the negativity of these situations)

i remember so well when my cousin who’s stay lasted i think a few months longer than the expected couple weeks, said f you to my father when we sat down to talk with him about thinking about moving out. the relationship remained hostile after that even after he finally moved out.

there was a close friend of my sister in school who had a bad abusive foster home situation going on and she literally needed to get out now and not fall back into a system that would only put her in another potentially bad situation and take her away from the one good friend she really had (my sister). her stay lasted years and this did involve my father, but it quickly ruined the friendship between my sister and her.

then there was a coworker of my father’s and that stay was just very straining on everyone in the house. that friendship broke up too.

i really feel as if i have to mention this to you so please forgive me. i know you are showing some great kindness for someone who really needs it. i don’t know how to even express this adequately and if this is happening tomorrow, i doubt that there is much time for me to express sufficiently how my reservations might apply to your situation or to discover that they don’t.

and like i’ve said, your situation is completely unique and may have none of the ingredients that spoiled those i have experienced. so this could simply be a false alarm on my part so please do consider my comments as being just an alarm and don’t forget (i doubt you will) that you actually are doing a nice thing and that nice does have a way of leading to more nice.

i do think it is a very nice and kind thing to help out a friend in this way. and maybe my bad experiences can serve to just be things to consider only if they need consideration. i really do hope that this does work out well. it certainly does have potential for it. i don’t want the good side of your situation lost by my own experiences. if ever you would like to talk further on this you know i’m always around and i really do believe good can come of this situation too.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#9
hi @Lane . i’m in agreement with everything i’ve read in this thread so i hope i get those feelings across well. it is kind and i can understand your doing this kind of thing for a friend as you described above and as others have commented on. but having lived through what i consider similar experiences i am seeing another side and this post has stayed on my mind for more than an hour now rather than letting me go back to sleep.



You can easily see i’m thinking about a negative side to this that might be answering your question above so please also consider this: that i’m a person who regularly says i am not in touch with my own feelings so you may need a grain of salt for this.

then there is also the very valid point that i don’t know you or your friend or much at all about the situation so maybe where do i come off presenting something bad for something that actually is good?

then there is also the point that in the experiences i consider similar, they may have been unique to my family (when i was growing up) or to me only or to those recipients of kindness that added the unfortunate negative ingredient.

all this said, i do have reservations that i think should be considered in the situation you are mentioning. they pertain to stays of friends and or relatives where each one lasted longer than planned, expected and ultimately desired. they all ended up in an ended friendship. (here again, some of these situations involved my father so he could be the common denominator in the negativity of these situations)

i remember so well when my cousin who’s stay lasted i think a few months longer than the expected couple weeks, said f you to my father when we sat down to talk with him about thinking about moving out. the relationship remained hostile after that even after he finally moved out.

there was a close friend of my sister in school who had a bad abusive foster home situation going on and she literally needed to get out now and not fall back into a system that would only put her in another potentially bad situation and take her away from the one good friend she really had (my sister). her stay lasted years and this did involve my father, but it quickly ruined the friendship between my sister and her.

then there was a coworker of my father’s and that stay was just very straining on everyone in the house. that friendship broke up too.

i really feel as if i have to mention this to you so please forgive me. i know you are showing some great kindness for someone who really needs it. i don’t know how to even express this adequately and if this is happening tomorrow, i doubt that there is much time for me to express sufficiently how my reservations might apply to your situation or to discover that they don’t.

and like i’ve said, your situation is completely unique and may have none of the ingredients that spoiled those i have experienced. so this could simply be a false alarm on my part so please do consider my comments as being just an alarm and don’t forget (i doubt you will) that you actually are doing a nice thing and that nice does have a way of leading to more nice.

i do think it is a very nice and kind thing to help out a friend in this way. and maybe my bad experiences can serve to just be things to consider only if they need consideration. i really do hope that this does work out well. it certainly does have potential for it. i don’t want the good side of your situation lost by my own experiences. if ever you would like to talk further on this you know i’m always around and i really do believe good can come of this situation too.
I'm happy that you shared those stories about your family @extraterrestrialone. I was thinking about the details involved in her stay and eventual relocation, wondering about her finances and mental state. Even in my own home while my daughter and I get along, we had a physical fight, so I think you mentioned in your response about it effecting family dynamics.

I know her and she is a meek person. She has no family here. There is something inside of her that has allowed her to become in this situation, and to that aspect I can relate. I'm getting off track. I was actually up until 2:30am. I know it's not permanent and I started to look at places that accept pets. In the meantime, I want to be there if she wants to talk and have a friend. And a safe place away from garbage. I really like the idea of what I believe it was @may71 maysaid about reaching out for resources.

Thank you so much my friend for telling me about your father, I can just picture you as a kid taking it all in 😳.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#10
hi @Lane . i’m in agreement with everything i’ve read in this thread so i hope i get those feelings across well. it is kind and i can understand your doing this kind of thing for a friend as you described above and as others have commented on. but having lived through what i consider similar experiences i am seeing another side and this post has stayed on my mind for more than an hour now rather than letting me go back to sleep.



You can easily see i’m thinking about a negative side to this that might be answering your question above so please also consider this: that i’m a person who regularly says i am not in touch with my own feelings so you may need a grain of salt for this.

then there is also the very valid point that i don’t know you or your friend or much at all about the situation so maybe where do i come off presenting something bad for something that actually is good?

then there is also the point that in the experiences i consider similar, they may have been unique to my family (when i was growing up) or to me only or to those recipients of kindness that added the unfortunate negative ingredient.

all this said, i do have reservations that i think should be considered in the situation you are mentioning. they pertain to stays of friends and or relatives where each one lasted longer than planned, expected and ultimately desired. they all ended up in an ended friendship. (here again, some of these situations involved my father so he could be the common denominator in the negativity of these situations)

i remember so well when my cousin who’s stay lasted i think a few months longer than the expected couple weeks, said f you to my father when we sat down to talk with him about thinking about moving out. the relationship remained hostile after that even after he finally moved out.

there was a close friend of my sister in school who had a bad abusive foster home situation going on and she literally needed to get out now and not fall back into a system that would only put her in another potentially bad situation and take her away from the one good friend she really had (my sister). her stay lasted years and this did involve my father, but it quickly ruined the friendship between my sister and her.

then there was a coworker of my father’s and that stay was just very straining on everyone in the house. that friendship broke up too.

i really feel as if i have to mention this to you so please forgive me. i know you are showing some great kindness for someone who really needs it. i don’t know how to even express this adequately and if this is happening tomorrow, i doubt that there is much time for me to express sufficiently how my reservations might apply to your situation or to discover that they don’t.

and like i’ve said, your situation is completely unique and may have none of the ingredients that spoiled those i have experienced. so this could simply be a false alarm on my part so please do consider my comments as being just an alarm and don’t forget (i doubt you will) that you actually are doing a nice thing and that nice does have a way of leading to more nice.

i do think it is a very nice and kind thing to help out a friend in this way. and maybe my bad experiences can serve to just be things to consider only if they need consideration. i really do hope that this does work out well. it certainly does have potential for it. i don’t want the good side of your situation lost by my own experiences. if ever you would like to talk further on this you know i’m always around and i really do believe good can come of this situation too.
*hugtackles:rolleyes: thanks for always being my friend. Here for you too if you ever need to talk.
 
#11
I can so relate to your wanting to give her a safe place to stay for a bit while she figures out her next steps for herself. And agree with others have said that it's important for you to set some parameters that will keep you physically safe and also that has a defined time limit for your own well-being.

I did something similar with a friend who was fired from her job with lots of other stuff going on in her life and so had no where really to go....what I thought was temporary turned into 4+ years. It had its moments as I reached a point where I didn't really want to go home as she was going through so much as was I at the time but she was never not there due to her own depression etc etc. So it did put a strain on our friendship from which we never really recovered from alas.

That being said your idea of looking into resources for her simultaneously is a great idea and setting a time limit because you are giving her a safe place for her to figure out her next steps but you shouldn't sacrifice your own well-being in the process.
 
#12
I guess if she was on drugs, or was herself violent, it would be a problem, but it sounds like she's just a nice woman who got involved with the wrong men.

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide list of domestic violence and abuse resources. Maybe there's something there that could help.

It's really nice of you to help her out like this :)
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#13
I guess if she was on drugs, or was herself violent, it would be a problem, but it sounds like she's just a nice woman who got involved with the wrong men.

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide list of domestic violence and abuse resources. Maybe there's something there that could help.

It's really nice of you to help her out like this :)
Thank you @@may71 I was probably meaning to get back to this and never did.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#14
I can so relate to your wanting to give her a safe place to stay for a bit while she figures out her next steps for herself. And agree with others have said that it's important for you to set some parameters that will keep you physically safe and also that has a defined time limit for your own well-being.

I did something similar with a friend who was fired from her job with lots of other stuff going on in her life and so had no where really to go....what I thought was temporary turned into 4+ years. It had its moments as I reached a point where I didn't really want to go home as she was going through so much as was I at the time but she was never not there due to her own depression etc etc. So it did put a strain on our friendship from which we never really recovered from alas.

That being said your idea of looking into resources for her simultaneously is a great idea and setting a time limit because you are giving her a safe place for her to figure out her next steps but you shouldn't sacrifice your own well-being in the process.
Thanks @Kiwi2016 sorry I didnt respond sooner. Just saw the reply when I was looking for this thread.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#17
You're welcome!

That's ok.

Do you want to say how things worked out? I hope everything is ok.

It turns out that www.hotpeachpages.net is now defunct, so unless you accessed it just before it shut down, the link was no good.

There are some US, Canadian, and other country-specific DV resources though.
I do, but it's a bit tiring for me, thank you. She made up with boyfriend. I asked her to speak with him outside of the house. It was freezing, so I said bedroom.

I took her to see 2 houses and 1 apartment complex, drive her to work in the morning. Will change next week when I start working.

She has 2 more weeks to secure a place, then she must find an Uber or car to take her stuff and 3 pets to the pet friendly hotel. My house isnt big, shes not family nor a good friend. Thanks for asking. I have to distance myself I feel while still doing the right thing.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#18
You're welcome!

That's ok.

Do you want to say how things worked out? I hope everything is ok.

It turns out that www.hotpeachpages.net is now defunct, so unless you accessed it just before it shut down, the link was no good.

There are some US, Canadian, and other country-specific DV resources though.
Speaking with him was on the phone. He lives in a hotel 20 miles away so I dont feel threatened. I do hope that she can apply and get accepted to move in somewhere soon, we shall see? 🤷‍♀️
 
#19
Sending you positive thoughts on all fronts as having done something similar know how difficult it can be. Sounds like you are doing all that you can and above and beyond so all digits are crossed that she secures a place but at the very least goes to the pet friendly hotel in a couple of weeks.
 

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