Big family dinner coming up, can't deal.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 26, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    My family is a bit difficult to explain but I'll try my best...

    My closest family consists of my emotionally and physically abusive mother, my aunt, and their aunt (aka my late grandmother's sister).

    Then there's the rest of the family... some of them I've never seen (they don't approve of my mum being a single mum) and then there's all the 'cousins' who meet up once a year or so... I can never remember who is related to who, and who is talking to who... and worst of all... I sometimes forget who died (sorry that sounds harsh, but the past 10 years half of my family have died of cancer)

    And then there's the Swiss family... I think I am related to them by my mother's late father... really nice folks actually. A father, mother and a son my age. The parents are coming to Denmark... and they are gathering their relatives... which includes me and my close family...

    Years ago I was the kid... I was allowed to be socially awkward... No one expected much of me... I could sit in a corner with a book and no one batted an eyelid.
    Now they are going to expect me to talk... and worst of all "So, what do you do now??" If you don't have a job, you're nothing. My LDR boyfriend and I have already practiced ways to answer that... why I'm unemployed... "If only I had a family with good connections" lol. That made me laugh.

    In truth I am too sick physically and mentally to work currently... but they won't 'buy' that. Hopefully I can talk a bit about missing my job at the hospital, working with kids for one of the world best childhood obesity clinics...

    At least now I can say I have a boyfriend... but yeah, they are probably going to frown at the LDR aspect...

    And then there's the whole anxiety aspect. Most days I am too anxious to take the elevator down to take the bins out or check the mail...

    And my anxiety doesn't get less from the fear that one family member is there... Most of the family have cut him off, so hopefully he won't be... he has a really bad alcohol problem and lost his job and really hit rock bottom... Before the family cut him off, after having tried hard to help him, he was sort of chasing after me, (I think he's a cousins son or something, again, my family confuses me). At family gatherings he always wanted to talk and sit close to me... and then he added me on facebook and started sending me messaged commenting about my boobs in pics and stuff. He's addicted to two things, (at least) alcohol and young women. And I can't see what those girls see in him.

    And more socially awkward... the last family member died... was his mother... his sister is actually hosting the whole thing.
    She died after a month long stay at the hospital where I worked... and no I didn't visit. I actually did everything to avoid them, and I didn't go to the funeral either (some years ago I agreed I was done with funerals for a long while... when I overheard the widow sob to someone that it wasn't fair for me to experience so much death so young...).

    And on top of everything I am panicking about what to wear... I've always had bad scars on my arms, well since I started with SI when I was 13... lately my SI got really out of control and I've got even bigger new red scars. So I have to hide it... what I can hide...

    I know this is harsh... but I really don't like my family.
  2. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, but understand. My family thinks I'm a horrible piece of ... Nothing. Good for nothing. I'm sorry you don't have the support you deserve. What is ldr?
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Sorry you have to deal with that.

    LDR means Long Distance Relationship... he lives in The Netherlands (but is working on moving up here)
  4. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I am glad you have your boyfriend. Having someone on your side who has your back is so important .
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello @ThePhantomLady I know that family gatherings and get togethers are always hard for you. They put so much stress and anxiety into you, im wondering if you could just put your foot down and say you don't want to go? You do not have to like your family. As someone once told me you are born into a family, not stuck with them. If you do decide to go can you get an as needed medication for anxiety incase you get panic attack while there? I'm sorry this is stressful for you. I'm not going to lie, some people do look down on internet based relationships, I'm not one of those people but they are out there and I hope they are not like that either. The what do you do question drives me nuts too, just say you are in between jobs or add a little white lie in and say you are studying a home course. It's really not their business either way. I feel for you, I really do. I know how much courage it takes for you to go to these gatherings and I hope it goes well for you hun ((gentle hugs))
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Yeah, I'm really happy I have him. He's the first person (after my best friend) who have ever treated me right
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    @Petal I'm not on meds... I only have a few Seroquel tablets the psych ER gave back then me to help me sleep... so I'm 'on my own'...

    I can't get out of going, I think... I don't want to deal with the consequences... the nice Swiss family will be disappointed... and my mum is very big on facades... and me not showing up will put her in a bad light. So it's easier to 'get through it'

    It's a good idea about the studying thing... I am learning Dutch online, so I can focus on that.

    And yeah... I've met some really cruel opinions about my boyfriend... a lot of people doesn't believe it's real. And then there's the "Well, you're good friends" corrections. (that pisses me of for so many reasons... it reminds me of LGBT struggles too, something I'm very invested in, despite us being a straight couple).

    But yeah... I'll have to practice my perfect smiles... and be a good girl.

    It's just so damn awkward, all of it... I always wonder how much they have been thinking about me... I know there's whispers going around about who my father is, behind mum and my back... and I wonder how many of them have seen past the facade and ever figured out mum was kicking me around...

    Oh well... I guess I'll survive somehow... I wish my boyfriend could be online during it... he would if he could though.
  8. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I hope it goes okay.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I totally respect your decision to go hun. You feel the need to please your mom and I have great respect for you for doing that, it shows what a loyal daughter you are and an amazing one at that. Your boyfriend may not be able to be online for you during that but SF is always open and through a joint effort we can be here for you throughout it. It's like 3am where you are so I can only guess you are awake worrying about it, just a guess that was but if I'm right you are free to talk to us hun *hugs*
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Okay... its Friday night here. I'm in my old bed in my old room at my mums house...

    I can't deal. I really struggle to cope.

    I've been acting all normal all day with my mum... We've actually seemed pretty normal... though there's been a few triggering words from her...

    But now I'm alone with my thoughts and fears.

    It doesn't help that my mum told me that the guy (who I'm related to) will be there... she even said if he bothered me she'd handle him

    (Really?? You who blamed me for being raped and forced me attend several events with my rapist??? REALLY? You who beat me and abused me in so many ways? Oh sure I feel safe...)

    I am struggling with the urge to SH or worse...