Big rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bella muerte, May 6, 2007.

  1. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    I was just thinking before about what feeling most makes me cut.

    In my brain/mind there is paths/choices... a SI choice and the others alternatives to SI.

    Angry- I can easy take the alternatives.
    Sad- It's a little harder but I can choose alternative choice.
    Scared- Even harder but when I put my mind to it I take alternative choice.
    Worried/Nervous- I tend to fail a lot but probably could choose alternative choice.
    Blank/empty/feeling nothing- This is what I'm falling weak to at this moment I can't think alternative but only SI.

    I've recognised that before I told anyone about what had been the main biggy problem feeling scared or depressed often got me like a rabbit caught in headlights and all I could do was cut.
    But now that I've told people , on the day I told them I was so emtionally aware of every feeling and so emotionally tired and stressed I thought I would feel like that for ages, but the next day I felt absolutely blank like all of my emotions had vanished .. I couldn't understand it .. all I did was cry and cry all day.I cut that day and I panicked and climbed out of my bedroom window at night (I lost my keys) and jumped down and walked off, but I couldn't really go far because I really hurt my foot when I jumped so I called home to tell them to pick me up. I was so scared and shocked about what I did. I just wanted to disapear and be gone. I was so mixed that night it was awful :'(((. I couldn't go school the next morning partly because I wasnt really up to it and partly because of my foot, I couldn't walk on it. So I went the walk-in center and was advised to stay off for the rest of the week.

    I missed going out with my Bf , with my friends.
    I cut continuosly all them days until monday when I didn't cut.
    Now I have red sore arms and thighs and stomach.
    I cut my legs, arms and stomach I am stupid I know but all I wanted to do was cut.
    I reached the point were I was gonna cut my wrists deep enough to kill me but my cousins came over so I had to try pull myself together.
    I know why I'm cutting so much .. I feel blank , I don't know what to feel .. I only feel scared that I'm gonna end up emotionless and empty and sad for the rest of my life.I'm cutting to try and get some sense but its the wrong way, I feel no pain when I cut just shear desperation. I'm not getting any help , I'm only getting worser and worser into a mess.My whole view on life is so negative I might as well give up.

    thanks for reading , sorry it was long :mellow:
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: I'm sorry you are feeling so bad hun. Maybe now you have worked out what makes you want to cut you may be able to find a way to stop? Easy said than done I know x
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I guess there comes a point in everyone's lives when you have to realise you can't do everything alone. Maybe it's time you went to your GP and told him about the SI? He might be able to help and if he can that'd be a big weight off your shoulders.