Biggest Mistake of my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thirdtimelucky, Sep 27, 2007.

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  1. thirdtimelucky

    thirdtimelucky New Member

    Ok...duno where to start, am pissed off with gettin the same responses from people and doctors not givin two f**ks and just firing tablets at me so thot id try a different approach. first things first am sorri if you dont understand the way al be typin cuz am from ireland and altho i usually type how i talk am makin an effort to be normal lol

    This is gonna be a long one, needed a place to get something out in the open...that something being everything:laugh:

    I was 15 when i was on a well known british broadcasting companys website and found a lil chatroom and got chattin to two different girls, one lived relatively near me, am from the northwest corner of northern ireland (check google maps) and she was from near the middle so about an hours drive or train ride, we got close like a brother and sister and we are still in contact even though its a rarity we would hear from each other but still close so thats all good

    it was with the other girl that everything started, we got chattin and liked each others personality and made each other laugh a lot, at the start i told her i was 23 and i worked in my dads bar and she was 21 worked for a big bank and lived with her husband of a year at the time, the more we chatted and stayed in touch the closer we got but not in a brother and sister way, we got talking on the phone and loved each others voices, then we fell for each other, she was seein someone else behind her husbands back at the time because things with her husband were "on the rocks" as they say

    so i was someone to talk to and relate to and get advice from as she just lost her mum recently at the time but like i said we kept fallin more and more and got to asking personal questions, then phone calls kept gettin longer and certain topics came up...then we both got camera phones...then ye can work out wat we got up to...

    so her and her husband seperated (although not divorced just yet) he moved to his old house with his mum n sister, so things got stressful for her being on her own in a house for the first time in 6 years so we continued to get closer and eventually i told her the truth that i was almost 6 years younger than her but she didnt care so we fell in love, i asked her out...

    she lived in chester and i was at school in my lil corner of northern she came over to visit me and we spent a weekend together in a hotel in my city and i had my first kiss AND lost my virginity all within a ten hour space! (that a record or somethin) so then we "knew" it was for real

    we arranged to meet again and go to a big music festival thats held every year beside dublin in the republic of ireland called oxegen and we had a great weekend until the last night....when i found out that "once a cheater always a cheater" was true in our case, she was sleepin with a work colleague secretly and i found out because she told i went out and got totally trashed for the first time in my 16 years (my birthday was in the previous january, this festival was in june, i asked her out the previous december) i almost overdosed on alcohol alone, how thats possible i dont know, we went our seperate ways and i went downhill, losing almost two stone in weight, or thats roughly 30lbs for americans lol, within a month and thats when i tried the first time, i got three boxes of painkillers and a half bottle of vodka that was in my parents cupboard...

    got out of hospital the next week and was on anti depressants and regular visits to mental wards etc

    so i was back on the internet then...and met another girl...this time from glasgow and she just turnt 15 at the time i was coming 17, we had talked before on a mobile/cell phone chat room but fell outa contact, found her by accident and we got talking again, and same thing i poured myself out to her and she made me feel comfortable, we fell in love and for a year and half almost until march this year

    during this time i failed my A levels which are like the exams that permit you entry to university so i had to repeat a year, i had applied to go to a university in glasgow where i am now, to be with her but i was afraid that if i didnt get the results it would be too much for me to take so i suggest a lil "break" from each other so that if i didnt make the grade so to speak it wouldnt hit us as hard that we wouldnt be together but the break hit me hard it was a second attempt, i was 19 at the time, almost same as before too

    this hit both of us really hard and she started to fall out of love with me, this was in march of this year, but i still wanted her in my arms more than i wanted air in my lungs, so i went ahead and came here to university hoping and praying that if we met again she would change her mind and maybe fall for me again,

    we met the first time in august of last year when it was almost our first anniversary as a team from my city was playin a scottish team in the uefa cup so we met and walked around glasgow kissin n huggin and being a couple but nothing felt more natural nothing felt outa place

    so am here now, but ever since march she been sayin we would only be friends and started seein a lad shes always like but never knew liked her, he asked her out when me and her were goin out for about 4 months and she really wanted to go with him as they lived near each other but she loved me at the time

    so am here now 300 miles from home alone, tryin to rekindle wat there may be left of a flame between us, am living with 5 strangers i dont know, with fuck all money, homesick as hell and doing a uni course that i know nothing about all the time still hoping and prayin that i can fix things between us, i know in my head and heart that once i have her back everyting will be better and everything will seem worthwile again...if i dont get her back then...well read my name lol am givin it serious thought altho at the same time i know its a selfish action but all my life i been doing things for other people i deserve someting for myself :(

    thats everthing i can think of anything else you may want to know let me know and al tell ye...thanks...Kev.
  2. Barbados

    Barbados Well-Known Member

    My life is in a big fuckin mess atm so I suppose you might feel the same. I think you should try and if it doesn't work, stop chasing love. Dunno whether you want to do that or not but thats all I can think of atm sorry.
  3. thirdtimelucky

    thirdtimelucky New Member

    dont worry i know what you mean. i know whats best for me and what i should do but theres a big difference between sayin or thinking something and having the willpower to do it.
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