Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 14, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I wasn't sure if this should go into 'Mental Health Disorders'... but I've always considered my Eating Disorders as selfharm...

    I've had BED (Binge Eating Disorder) since I was 10. A few years ago I became sporadically bulimic, and I've always 'tried' to become anorexic... 'luckily' I have some kind of enzyme defect that makes me ill if I don't eat for a couple of hours.

    I can sometimes keep my BED under control... it helped when I threw out my scales.
    I'm a big girl and I've been bullied with my weight... but I got into a vicious cycle... I'd overeat if I was sad, depressed, anxious or had any other extreme emotions that I couldn't control... I'd eat and eat until, and sometimes after I felt about to throw up. And then I'd force myself to eat a bit more to punish myself for having been so stupid...

    If I had gained weight I'd punish myself with a binge... I remember crying as I stuffed a cake in, actually inside my head telling myself "that's what you get for being such a fat b*tch".

    These days I eat 'bad' stuff to try to distract myself from harming myself. I just finished a tub of ice cream, and I'm desperately trying to plead with myself not to go grab the lemon muffins in the drawer... and I'm hoping the bulimic thoughts don't come back...

    I don't know how, but my weight seem to have stalled. I've been on a scale a few times the last few years (hard not to while I worked at a children's obesity clinic).

    Last year my bulimia was bad... It was both a punishment... and I really wanted to lose weight. I got it into my head that my boyfriend would be better off with a skinny girl (while he is always raving about how he loves my body and curves... ).

    I've done many bad things to myself through the years... but for me the bulimia was a low point. I think it's my spine that gives me a weak bladder... and at home I had to sit on the toilet and throw up into a bucket... I forgot about this one evening I was visiting my mother... and I ended up with sick on my shirt, and I wet my pants through without having any to change into.
  2. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry your going through this hun huge hugs
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  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I suspect that when you start your DBT this will help you manage your self harm (BED) and thought processes and help you to build new and healthy coping strategies.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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