"Humans think first and then move their body, usually." Hello all, Most people reading this might say like take more meds or increase the dosage of my current meds. But that will only dumb me down as they say. If I am not allowed to feel emotions, then why bother at all? I'm just writing things out that come from my mental sewage system called, Brian. The Brian is a bad boy, he wants to be so bad, but his actual brain just needs to relax. Just trying to figure out how crazy and/or depressed I am by writing things out that are in my head right now. The meds don't seem to work very well right now, cause I'm actually experiencing emotions.. Hehe, did I finally beat you, you depersonalization-demon. :/ Who can tell? I don't even know where all these words come from, to tell you the truth. I can't see all those words and images in my head, but when I start typing it sort of happens. After a dream and even when I'm dreaming I'm under the impression that I enter the realm of the dead... So many dreams and day dreams lately about suicide, violence and even sexual violence. Most of my dreams are lucid dreams though, so I try to control it. I embrace the day I die, like in my dreams... In one of my latest dreams, I died. I shouted to the person who was about to be the cause of my death: "Why don't you go ahead and do it, I want you to do it, now!" It's like all the things that happened to me and my environment (people/family/friends), is now entering my subconsciousness. Not caring about things like personal health, mental health, what happens in my surroundings etc. That's a thing I should fear and I should worry about that. I don't feel like blaming my 4 long years of depersonalization/dissociation, but... that's the damn truth. Just because it's not in a damn book somewhere, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Most of the time, my fears turn into agression and deep hatred. I read somewhere that those are quite connected actually, fear and anger. Like most persons who are capable of hurting others verbally or physically... I too have my weaknesses. After having been outside last Wednesday, for a long time, I could experience things changing very rapidly. There is no way in hell that I am like in the middle of the greatest depression a man/woman has ever known. Right now, I do not have to knowledge to judge the situation and/or judge which factor is the cause of things right now. I dislike blaming disorders all the time... I am autistic, psychotic with a mild depression. Add in a little depersonalization, and you have a very bad cocktail of things I do no want to drink. But drinking I shall, in order to survive. (Not talking about "drinking alcohol" or anything) Back to the meds: I know exactly what meds do to my brain, my liver and other organs. It's not cool, but... meh, I just take it because I know what happened in the past when I was 100% in psychosis. Even though parts of the character and personality remain intact after having had a "break-down", burn out, psychosis or any other mental illness... It still is damaging to a person his or her confidence, self-image and it's also traumatizing for some. Trying to talk me out of doing anything used to be very difficult. I was and shall remain a bit stubborn. The only sentence that might make me change my mind is: "There is only life here on earth, this is not a simulation, there are no aliens. We are alone." We'll see what time can tell. End phase. I will just do what I have been doing for the past 4 to 6 years or so.. That's just keep on keeping on. Keep on fighting this illness and my bad, destructive personality. Even if it does not get any better, I still put up a great fight in the end. The greatest fight known to a human being. The things I have felt were incredible in my life, wish I could get some of those emotions back. Maybe they are still out there. Those good feelings... genuine emotions, not fabricated like fake sugar.