Birds fly by flapping their wings, usually.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citizen Insane, Jun 19, 2014.

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  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    "Humans think first and then move their body, usually."

    Hello all,

    Most people reading this might say like take more meds or increase the dosage of my current meds. But that will only dumb me down as they say. If I am not allowed to feel emotions, then why bother at all?

    I'm just writing things out that come from my mental sewage system called, Brian. The Brian is a bad boy, he wants to be so bad, but his actual brain just needs to relax.

    Just trying to figure out how crazy and/or depressed I am by writing things out that are in my head right now.

    The meds don't seem to work very well right now, cause I'm actually experiencing emotions.. Hehe, did I finally beat you, you depersonalization-demon. :/ Who can tell?

    I don't even know where all these words come from, to tell you the truth. I can't see all those words and images in my head, but when I start typing it sort of happens.

    After a dream and even when I'm dreaming I'm under the impression that I enter the realm of the dead... So many dreams and day dreams lately about suicide, violence and even sexual violence.

    Most of my dreams are lucid dreams though, so I try to control it.

    I embrace the day I die, like in my dreams... In one of my latest dreams, I died. I shouted to the person who was about to be the cause of my death: "Why don't you go ahead and do it, I want you to do it, now!"

    It's like all the things that happened to me and my environment (people/family/friends), is now entering my subconsciousness.

    Not caring about things like personal health, mental health, what happens in my surroundings etc. That's a thing I should fear and I should worry about that. I don't feel like blaming my 4 long years of depersonalization/dissociation, but... that's the damn truth.

    Just because it's not in a damn book somewhere, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

    Most of the time, my fears turn into agression and deep hatred. I read somewhere that those are quite connected actually, fear and anger.

    Like most persons who are capable of hurting others verbally or physically... I too have my weaknesses.

    After having been outside last Wednesday, for a long time, I could experience things changing very rapidly. There is no way in hell that I am like in the middle of the greatest depression a man/woman has ever known.

    Right now, I do not have to knowledge to judge the situation and/or judge which factor is the cause of things right now. I dislike blaming disorders all the time... I am autistic, psychotic with a mild depression. Add in a little depersonalization, and you have a very bad cocktail of things I do no want to drink.

    But drinking I shall, in order to survive. (Not talking about "drinking alcohol" or anything)

    Back to the meds: I know exactly what meds do to my brain, my liver and other organs. It's not cool, but... meh, I just take it because I know what happened in the past when I was 100% in psychosis.
    Even though parts of the character and personality remain intact after having had a "break-down", burn out, psychosis or any other mental illness... It still is damaging to a person his or her confidence, self-image and it's also traumatizing for some.

    Trying to talk me out of doing anything used to be very difficult. I was and shall remain a bit stubborn.
    The only sentence that might make me change my mind is: "There is only life here on earth, this is not a simulation, there are no aliens. We are alone."

    We'll see what time can tell.
    End phase. I will just do what I have been doing for the past 4 to 6 years or so.. That's just keep on keeping on. Keep on fighting this illness and my bad, destructive personality.
    Even if it does not get any better, I still put up a great fight in the end. The greatest fight known to a human being.

    The things I have felt were incredible in my life, wish I could get some of those emotions back. Maybe they are still out there. :)
    Those good feelings... genuine emotions, not fabricated like fake sugar. ;)
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm sorry you are feeling shitty Ken. I'm here and I care :hug:
  3. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to see you're going to keep on keeping on despite everything you're dealing with. That's a great attitude to have!

    As far as meds go, I try to tip-toe around this subject as much as possible because I know how polarizing it can be. For some people meds can be a very good thing and can really be that catalyst to get your life back on track. That wasn't the case for me, though. A lot of people deal with that "loss of personality" of sorts as you described, and I think for those people you have to make a choice. Are the side effects worth it or not? For me, the answer was no, but for others it might be yes. Like I said, it's somewhat hard to talk about, because I think the situation can be different for everyone and I never want to give the wrong impression.

    Just know you have a voice here, and that you won't be judged on what you say. People here care.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Ken, you know I am always here for you!!
  5. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks guys. ^___^

    Indeed, the medication subject is a bit tacky. With a certain med (a heavy anti-psychotic) I had like 8 different side effects, which was crazy... Not sure why I even continued taking any other meds after that.

    Eitherway, I have been going outside of my comfort zone a lot. We all have limits to how much we can handle on a day or a longer period of time.
    Right now, I sort of feel more comfortable going outside, than staying inside the house/bedroom. If it was possible, the whole damn planet needs to be my comfort zone, but you know, to increase my chances of survival fighting this battle... It's usually better to stay close to where it is safe.

    Obviously any person who had something happen to them like a disorder can handle way less information on a day. A lot of the times I'm thinking like, if I happen to break a small bone in my body somewhere at this age of 24 years old, I could recover from that. And flowers will be sent to the hospital when I do in fact break a bone or 2.

    With the mind, it's so very different. My mind can only take on one form at a time. Either I'm ill or I'm not, there is no in between. I'm not as flexibel as others... some are able to survive a lot of terrible things happening to them, others break down more easily. It's not a question of being "strong willed" or "weak". No flowers or support from anyone when I was hospitalized for my breakdown.

    I just had wished to know about mental disorders without ever actually having to experience it myself. :p Hehe.
  6. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say that I understand what you're saying here. I've found that as I get older, the more like this I am. Along with the kind of "mood" I am in, I've found that it's hard for me to handle more than one of anything at a time. I absolutely can't multitask at all. If I'm talking to someone and someone else is having another, loud conversation near by, I can't function in the one I am in. I can't talk on the phone and work at the same time, either. Not only can I only really sustain one mood at a time, but my brain function can really only handle one thing at a time.

    I also agree with what you said about it not being an issue of being strong willed or not weak. That's so true. People are just wired different. As strange as it may sound, I have found that a lot of the qualities that make me upset easily can be good qualities in other situations. I feel like the more I have gone through, the better I understand how to manage myself, and also the quicker I "recover" sometimes, but I still fall prey to same things and my breaking points have never really changed. I just know how to cope a little better and how to avoid situations that could push me too much.
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