Today is supposed to be joyful, I guess. But mostly I have been pretending to be happy because everyone feels like life is such a blessing & I should be overjoyed. Not saying it's not a blessing but today just marks a day older in a stagnant & unproductive life. My life is going to no where. I am now this easily agitated, only see negative, don't understand why others are so blissful, wish disaster around the world, type of person. Yet I think about the future and want people I encounter success. Contradicting emotions? I have children and it's very difficult not being able to give them a jump start on adulthood. Depression has made me feel like all achievements in my life has been in vain. After all, what do I really have now? I hate leaving home because seeing happy people makes me feel angry & sad... at me. Why isn't it me (any more)? Could I be envious? Jealous? I hate to think that. I find more solace imagining tragedy upon others sometimes. E.g. I saw a guy riding bike across street, my first thought was how awesome it would be if I saw him getting hit by a truck. Isn't that awful? What is wrong with me? What is happening to me?