Does anyone else's urge to kill themselves get stronger as the birthday approaches? I've never been much into partying it up for my birthday, and even at the best of times it has been somewhat depressing as it has been a time for introspection, goal measuring etc. Yes I may have been hard on myself, but it is significantly worse now when I actually do not see, feel or have reason to celebrate. Also, for me in my rational mind, for legacy purposes it is better to die at age X with nothing than at age X+1. I feel that my accomplishments to date simply get watered down with each passing year of stagnation and emptiness. For instance getting a degree at 18 is generally more remarkable than getting it at 25. And if by age 50 that is still your only 'real' or main accomplishment then what was the point of the last half of your life? It's like a tv show that you love; it's better for it to go out with a bang, than to struggle on for two more seasons of poor acting, lame story lines, until you are literally fed up of it and can barely manage to watch it anymore--in effect tainting your memory of the quality of the show itself. You cannot recall the show, without remembering how crappy the last two seasons were. Through all the pain and shame and rejection and suffering and loneliness, I now don't even really have any more goals either, so I am literally alive for no discernible reason. I do not have any real regard for the 'pain' it will cause to those who love me. Everybody dies; I must die at some point. I wish I could arrange to be murdered instead, since that is apparently more palatable. But people die all the time and life goes on. Nobody will come into the grave with me, and eventually their pain will subside. Their future possible (and temporary) pain cannot trump my present long ongoing anguish. Should I be tortured daily and indefinitely so that some people don't cry for a few weeks/months and then get on with their lives? And objectively looking at the last year of life that I endured there is nothing I can say that I was glad I was alive to see/hear/do/enjoy. This is not to say it was tears every single day; just that there was nothing at all which stood out which I can use in the midst of the crappy year. There are however so many events which have taken place which had I been dead I would have been able to avoid. Some days the only reason I have not killed myself is because it's too hot or too late and I can't be bothered to find the energy. But the energy towards this is building as my birthday looms; I refuse to be older with nothing and being nothing. I have been trying to think of a 'plan'; I would like to but probably won't be able to travel. The best bet I have come up with so far is to have myself admitted to hospital for a physical reason. I am unable to do so here for 'mental' reasons. And even for physical with the healthcare here, I would have to be gushing blood, or unconscious to get immediate care anyway--but I am still trying to figure out how this can be arranged. I absolutely do not want to be around family on the day, and I have no local friends, and I am not really mobile. Anyway, does the birthday make anyone else exponentially more suicidal???