Birthday "blues"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AlexiMarie7, Jun 7, 2016.

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  1. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Does anyone else's urge to kill themselves get stronger as the birthday approaches?

    I've never been much into partying it up for my birthday, and even at the best of times it has been somewhat depressing as it has been a time for introspection, goal measuring etc. Yes I may have been hard on myself, but it is significantly worse now when I actually do not see, feel or have reason to celebrate.

    Also, for me in my rational mind, for legacy purposes it is better to die at age X with nothing than at age X+1. I feel that my accomplishments to date simply get watered down with each passing year of stagnation and emptiness. For instance getting a degree at 18 is generally more remarkable than getting it at 25. And if by age 50 that is still your only 'real' or main accomplishment then what was the point of the last half of your life?
    It's like a tv show that you love; it's better for it to go out with a bang, than to struggle on for two more seasons of poor acting, lame story lines, until you are literally fed up of it and can barely manage to watch it anymore--in effect tainting your memory of the quality of the show itself. You cannot recall the show, without remembering how crappy the last two seasons were.

    Through all the pain and shame and rejection and suffering and loneliness, I now don't even really have any more goals either, so I am literally alive for no discernible reason.

    I do not have any real regard for the 'pain' it will cause to those who love me. Everybody dies; I must die at some point. I wish I could arrange to be murdered instead, since that is apparently more palatable. But people die all the time and life goes on. Nobody will come into the grave with me, and eventually their pain will subside. Their future possible (and temporary) pain cannot trump my present long ongoing anguish.
    Should I be tortured daily and indefinitely so that some people don't cry for a few weeks/months and then get on with their lives?

    And objectively looking at the last year of life that I endured there is nothing I can say that I was glad I was alive to see/hear/do/enjoy. This is not to say it was tears every single day; just that there was nothing at all which stood out which I can use in the midst of the crappy year. There are however so many events which have taken place which had I been dead I would have been able to avoid.

    Some days the only reason I have not killed myself is because it's too hot or too late and I can't be bothered to find the energy. But the energy towards this is building as my birthday looms; I refuse to be older with nothing and being nothing.

    I have been trying to think of a 'plan'; I would like to but probably won't be able to travel. The best bet I have come up with so far is to have myself admitted to hospital for a physical reason. I am unable to do so here for 'mental' reasons. And even for physical with the healthcare here, I would have to be gushing blood, or unconscious to get immediate care anyway--but I am still trying to figure out how this can be arranged.

    I absolutely do not want to be around family on the day, and I have no local friends, and I am not really mobile.

    Anyway, does the birthday make anyone else exponentially more suicidal???
    DexterFan likes this.
  2. encourager101

    encourager101 Member

    Hi, AlexiMarie, thanks for being willing to share your struggles. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I'm sorry to hear you don't want support from your family, or is it that are they unwilling to help you?

    Have you tried talking to someone about how you feel? That could help a lot! Focus on the Family is an organization that offers FREE phone consultations with a licensed counselor. It sounds like energy is a struggle for you, and making a phone call means you don't have to leave your place :0) There will be no judgment, only a kind, compassionate ear. If you feel comfortable telling the counselor what area you are located in, he/she might even be able to direct you to a good local counselor or support group. You should NOT have to go through this alone. If you call 1-spammer you can talk to someone! Just make sure you call between 6a-8p Mountain Standard Time. And if no one answers, you can leave a message so someone can call you back. Hang in there! You are worth it!
  3. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Family is complicated to get into but is a contributing factor. Yes, I have tried. That number probably won't be free for me to call; not sure if the resources extend outside the US but I will save the details and look at in more detail.

    Thank you for reading.
  4. Lost

    Lost Staff Alumni

    I don't acknowledge them anymore after my last birthday. It's just a day like any other not a deadline for anything and getting a degree at any age is a fantastic thing.
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Birthdays in general are a trigger- Just an obeservation here for many years of the number of members that join with a couple weeks of a birthday woudl lend creadibility to that as more factual than guess- most likely because it works like new years day which is also a huge trigger for many- a reminder of another year and leaving a question of what chnaged / what is the p;oint.

    So far as disregarding other pain, I would bet part of the issues though you did not say what your issues are are that people dont care, dont listen, or making close attachments. Things like saying you don't care about causing them pain is not really changing that situation anyway- not is assuming your pain is worse and won't get better while there pain would be less and would get better so big deal. Are lots and lots of people on here ONLY do to losing somebody and not being able to get over it themselves so assuming your pain somehow trumps others is not really thought out. In the end comparing pain is pointless- if it hurts enough for you to be here it hurts enough for you so it does not matter the cause, but assuming your loss wil be an acceptable pain is just self serving- understandable in the need to justify the act- but not true or reasonable.

    Not sure what to say really- if you want to actually talk about what the issues are there may be ideas or ways to get help or if not help at least support/companionship- but just trying to justify your thought it is okay to commit suicide on a site that is clearly stated as pro life is not going to garner a lot of help. Talking about having suicidal feelings sometimes helps, but talking about why you feel that way is going to be far more helpful.
  6. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thanks for answering my query about birthdays in general.

    In respect of the rest of the post, you are right: comparing pain is useless; I can only pay attention to and feel mine, not imagine or try to weigh anyone else's. Your assumptions, though often the case, are actually not relevant at all to me. People "caring" is not enough. And there is no one fit. Talk therapy does not help everyone; and so sometimes demanding details makes things acutely worse as in an actual trigger to have that sense of 'invasion' for lack of will to search for better phrasing.

    I concede that it may have been a mistake to post about my suicidal thinking and feelings and them growing at this precise time and the trigger for it on the thread called suicidal thoughts and feelings. Condescension and berating are not in any way helpful for me; perhaps it may motivate others. Different folks different strokes.

    My bad.

    I appreciate everyone who (even just silently) read my grave painful thoughts with empathy or compassion. Thank you.

    P.S. I actually reached out further to a previous contributor on the post to get some insight and strategy perhaps, so I really do appreciate that level of genuineness, and stemming from this post I have also had helpful direct messages.
    encourager101 likes this.
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