Well my dad died when i was 7,now im 21, and i am still not ever his death. Last year around his birthday, starting about a month before, all the way until a month past his death day, i was a total reck. I would cut, alot and deeply, and i was very suicidal. I am scared because his birthday is coming up again and i don't know what to do. i want to visit his grave, but i would always be a reck aferwards. but if i don't visit him i feel like im abandoning him. The first time i visited his grave was when i was 19. i really don't know what to do or how to prepare. His birthsday is april 27th and he died june 11. what should i do. im lost. plus my grandma just died 4 months ago, very subtle. If i start to freak over my father, what's gonna happen when the thoughts of my grandma comes up.