Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 23, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am not a big fan of my own Birthday.

    Last year I refused to celebrate it at all (Since I was a little girl I wouldn't get older than 25...(I guess today proves that wrong))
    And 25 marked the year I should get screened for the cancer that killed half my family (still waiting for that)...

    I've just got so many bad memories... My mother would always use it to show her power over me. If I made the slightest mistake weeks before she would punish me by canceling my Birthday celebration, she would take my presents back to the store if I didn't act right...

    My 18th Birthday was such a low point.
    No one remembered it. Not one of my 'friends'... (the year before I kept my Birthday a secret because I wanted to avoid that... but they found out). One of my now former friends did contact me, to tell me how she met her idol for the 15th time the night before... when I got a bit moody and just replied 'good for you' and when asked why I was so unimpressed I told her because no one remembered my Birthday... she then gave me a long lecture.
    I can still remember that long text... she told me how I couldn't keep using my past as an excuse (she didn't even know a third of it!!) for being such a horrible shallow person, she brought up my missing father and stuff...

    I was tempted to reword her message and sent it back to her, mentioning her alcoholic mother and how her father didn't always 'care' enough about her to pay another concert ticket. I didn't.
    I went to my room and cried, and I had one of my worst cutting sessions and I even meant to kill myself.

    Today I invited my best friend, I can't afford a Birthday party. But she's coming over for some cake and snacks and we'll just hang out watching some TV. I didn't want to be alone... my mum is having the family Birthday on Sunday and has offered to cook if I help her and pay a little of the food. I don't look forward to that... one of her friends that is coming, his son molested me when I was 4. And I'm scared they will talk about the son...
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    {Hugs} I'm so sorry. I would throw you a Birthday party if I could. Remember that here you have friends that love you. Can you go to your mum's party and not speak to her friend? {Hugs again}
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you!

    I can't really avoid him, it's an intimate party... we're only going to be 6 people.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'd throw you a party too if I could, birthdays are supposed to be a time of happiness and celebration. I hope you have a lot of fun with your friend and also hope your moms party dinner for you goes smoothly but can easily understand why you are worried if they bring him up just quickly change the subject. I hope today is the start of a new beginning for you and hope you do not SH *big hugs* and a huge happy birthday to you =)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you too @Petal
    My friend and I did have a good time, we talked a lot, ate a lot of bad food and watched some films... most importantly I wan't alone... before that my LDR boyfriend was online and kept me company.

    I just want this day to be over... I have been getting so many memories all day. So many rotten Birthdays...

    I feel like a brat. My mum, aunt and mum's aunt called in the morning, lots of people online congratulated my Birthday... the father of that boy even texted me to say Happy Birthday...

    And here I am... trying not to cry, trying not to hurt myself... trying not to die or run away from everything. I really want to get some money somehow (I only know one quick way and I know what going back to doing that will do to me...) and just get on a plane and start a new life in London. Or Dublin...
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi sweetie @ThePhantomLady , I am really glad you had a good time, I was thinking of you today and was worried you would come face to face with the abuser's dad but thankfully that did not happen. Let this be your best birthday, a new beginning.

    You are not a brat at all hun, your feelings are well justified and its natural to feel how you do given the situation you are in.
    Don't cry, don't hurt yourself, SF is here for you and will continue to be here for you just like you are here for everyone too.

    I would love to move away and start afresh too, I feel it's the best solution but right now I cannot even afford a deposit. I REALLY hope things start to improve for you soon. You are too sweet and too nice to be feeling this way *huge hugs*
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I will get face to face with his dad on Sunday when mum's hosting the Birthday dinner...

    But thank you for your thoughts, you're so nice to me hun!

    I really do try not to do anything stupid.

    I am mostly tempted to get the quick cash (which means getting back to prostitution... which will ruin a lot of the progress I've made). And book a flight to London and continue there... or Dublin. I felt happiest in those places...

    Not tell anyone I've gone... just my boyfriend... start anew... tell some fake story, or nothing if people ask. Pretend I'm someone else...

    Like that girl I keep writing about in my fics, Mira... the girl who traveled to London, left her life behind her... though I hope my story goes better than hers.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Oh, I am sorry pet. That won't be an easy task but remember he is not responsible for what his son did, his son did wrong, he did evil and talking to his dad could trigger so keep in mind the whole time that you have us.

    I'd hate to see you return to prostitution after all the progress you have made in the past few months, you are also very special to many people here, you are noticed and you are highly respected.

    Starting afresh sounds so good right now but your past may follow you mentally, you never know but in saying that, I was in London last August and had zero anxiety and felt amazing. But that was only for a week. Long term - I think I might return to old habits and anxiety.

    Good luck with whichever you choose and had I known it was our birthday beforehand I would have at least sent you a card because you are special!!
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Phew, my Birth date is now over. That's a relief somewhat...

    I am also a bit relieved I'll be seeing my therapist on Friday, before I'll be off to my mother's on Saturday. Hopefully she can help me too.
    I'll keep my phone in my pocket. Knowing my usual reactions I'll retreat to the bathroom when that boy (well man now) is brought up. I'm happy I have this place and such nice people!

    I really don't want to do that, returning to turning tricks. I'm not strong enough.

    You're right. I spent 6 days in Dublin (on a school trip in 2008) and was in London for 4 last August. I just felt so at home both places... no one making fun of me, or yelling at me... people actually being friendly. That was such a fresh change.

    I think I'm better off staying here for a while yet, huh. I've finally gotten through the 8 month waiting list for therapy... therapy I very much need to resolve my past and what it does to my present self...
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    *hugs* Yay for getting through the wait for therapy, glad you will be getting the help you need hun and I hope it is very helpful to you :)

    I was in London last August too. Had a ball of a time, it's a beautiful city. Maybe you could go back for a break when you save up the cash?

    I hope all goes smoothly for you! You're right to just excuse yourself when that boy is brought up :)