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Birthdays

#1
It's my birthday tomorrow. I should be excited but all I want for my birthday is to disappear. To not exist. To be gone.

I just don't want to be anymore. This life thing is too hard. I give up. I want out.

I've had depression for 9 years, been to countless psychologists, gone to different group therapies, been inpatient and tried countless doses of different medications and nothing helps. I always come back to this sinking, low place. It never gets better.

I don't know what to do, I should be so grateful for the life I have. I should be thriving and making the most of opportunities.

Instead, I just wish I was dead.
 
#2
I've had depression for 9 years, been to countless psychologists, gone to different group therapies, been inpatient and tried countless doses of different medications and nothing helps. I always come back to this sinking, low place. It never gets better.
That's awful. Sorry that you're going through this. A lot of people find that their treatments don't help, don't help enough, or stop helping the way they used to.
I don't know what to do
The link in my signature has some information about treatment methods. There might be something there that could help.
I should be so grateful for the life I have
Even if superficially you have a lot of good things in your life, if you're depressed enough, it's really impossible to feel good or grateful. Please be gentle with yourself.

Wishing you good things
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#3
Hey @little-anxiety I can understand. I always feel weird around my birthday. When it comes to treating depression, try not to think of success as linear. There will be a lot of steps back and a lot of returning to that low place. The times you are out of that low place are worth the treatment. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
 
#4
Hi welcome to the forums @little-anxiety, we're glad to have you here. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. I'm sure what you wrote is very relatable to a lot of people on this forum. Birthdays can be tough as although you feel like you should be grateful and happy on your birthday, if you're feeling down, it can make you feel even worse or guilty.

I'm sorry you've tried so many different treatment options, but none have worked for you. Sometimes, getting better is a gradual process. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you can feel better and you can want to be alive.

In the meantime, this forum is a great place to share how you're feeling and get any advice or support you want.

Hang in there. Sending hugs *brohug.
 

extraterrestrialone

NYC brings out the BPD in me
SF Supporter
#5
It's my birthday tomorrow. I should be excited but all I want for my birthday is to disappear. To not exist. To be gone.

I just don't want to be anymore. This life thing is too hard. I give up. I want out.

I've had depression for 9 years, been to countless psychologists, gone to different group therapies, been inpatient and tried countless doses of different medications and nothing helps. I always come back to this sinking, low place. It never gets better.

I don't know what to do, I should be so grateful for the life I have. I should be thriving and making the most of opportunities.

Instead, I just wish I was dead.
hey little-anxiety, i have some thoughts, but i’m not a professional so i always have to include this fact... it is my own personal experience that i am going to share, but through this experience, (and its been over a long period) i’ve realized that i’m the one who has made the changes in me that worked. no one else and no meds made changes in me.

some of this is said everyday by many people. (they say a psychiatrist can help you to change but you have to want to change to make change happen). somehow that has sort of become more a joke than an axiom.

but i’ve imagined my own take on it and it is my own take that i have found most helpful. first is using the word “imagine”. maybe that is what john lennon was trying to express. if you imagine something - a way of being - that you like or love that is in accord with who you believe you really are, and also not hurtful (disruptive, damaging) to yourself and others, that you can live with, you can make it a goal without even thinking of it as a goal. perhaps like a holy grail.

with this image, it actually does become a real thing in your mind. then also, for years i’ve been describing my mind to my therapists and many others as a burned out battlefield (where once there was a garden). and i’ve come to realize - “so what if it is a burned out battlefield”. this is me and it is where i can build something new. it is also fertile soil. with that image that i made and the ruins i live with, i can build.

this is not an easy thing but i also think that dying is not an easy thing either. seems like if death comes naturally its gunna take its time and if i try to hasten it, it has a way of hurting too much. either becomes hard work also, so if it has to be hard work, why not try to rebuild? it is not easy and it does take lots of time. i’m nearly 69 and i’m only now reaching this realization. i only really started working in earnest since about 61. if it takes me 15 years starting today i’ll be 84 and i’m going for it. if you start now - being younger than i, it will likely take you much less time be even if its 15 years, you’ll still only be 38. at 69 you will realize how young 38 really is. you will be happy!

my parents always told me that i was a very cheerful baby and then at 2 years old, something happened and i became very sad. and i guess that from 2 on, i spent much time and work allowing that sadness to develop and grow into that burned out battlefield.

so i’ve spent the past several months doing positive affirmations and these are not “silly” little things like “i’m gunna smile today” - or “i’m gunna be grateful for things” such as x y or z. of course these are actually good too, and not really silly, but not what i’m thinking of when suggesting affirmations.

if you create a “holy grail” in your mind, it is an image that is real but still just an image. with affirmations you can create the necessary building blocks to help achieve the real version of that image of a goal.

this does not come easy. think of it as building a pyramid or stone henge. think of the laborers who had to pull those stones. yeah it is hard work but like i said before, dying is hard work too, and there can be benefits to staying alive that can really be enjoyed only by staying alive. death only brings on the unknown.

and people seeing a proactive you or even a happy you can find more happiness in life for themselves too. the good does have a way of spreading to and from everyone.

i’m sorry for all this preaching. maybe its only selfishness on my part. to me it strengthens my own positivity but hopefully will help someone else too. it was no easy task breaking the hold of negativity on my life. you are welcome to read “my story” in my signature below. and i am in therapy and taking a med, but these are only as further help to assist with achieving the goal i’ve tried to describe above.

i’m only a work in progress but i want to share what i see as a kind of success that i see in me that may help someone else.
 

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