i have always had pretty shitty birthdays, and my birthday is coming up this Tuesday (hooray or something?) so ive been quite anxious and just all over the place. i usually get excited every year for my birthday but i have lost the excitement and joy for it considering how every past year has gone horribly wrong. im really hoping this year is better but it’s looking just as bleak as any old year. i also tend to relapse every birthday so ive been scared i might end up in that same spot again. ive been clean for about 2 weeks now, which is good but i can’t help but have the itch and the urge to relapse because i have no REAL coping mechanisms in the first place. anyway, the main point here is that my birthdays are always shit. i always think about last year when i was eating pizza. at my own birthday party. and my aunt went on about how i should join weight watchers with her and starve on different days so i could start losing weight like her. i spent the rest of the day locked in my room crying and feeling guilty for eating. and i did relapse. so i guess i just have this nauseating fear that something is going to set me off or something is gonna happen or im going to end up back in the same constant relapse cycle im always in