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Bit concerned about myself: suicide "attempt"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scareddude, Jun 3, 2014.

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  1. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm scareddude and I'm 22. I'll start by saying I'm not claiming to be a particularly bad case. I'm just a bit scared, and want to be on the safe side. I'm just looking for life advice.

    Here's my short history: from the age of 12 my life hasn't been great, and now I'm 22 at home alone with my parents, with no income, no friends, no partner and few prospects for the future, watching the rest of my family doing really well (just taking my immediate family as an example, my parents are doctors, my brother just graduated dental school after having a great time with loads of friends and a girlfriend and my sister just passed second year of dental school having a similarly great time), while I go nowhere and am very scared of the future (scared of going homeless, scared of having no achievements, scared of my mind, scared of never meeting a partner and dying alone,scared of being laughed at by people for being a loser compared to the rest of my family...).

    Anyway, I've made lots of suicidal gestures in the past, like <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. When I do this, I think I do mean it. I'm often crying and I've often just smashed things in my room to pieces, but I always bottle out and don't do it. I'm concerned now because a few days ago, I took a huge dose of <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, and I'm worried I'd do it again.

    At the time of swallowing the pills, I felt like I was very intent on death, but then I started to feel woozy and get heart palpitations. My survival instincts kicked in, and I staggered to the toilet and made myself throw up about 8 times. I still felt woozy for hours. I was crying, convinced that I was dying. It was about 3 in the morning, and I just stumbled around my area in a complete state.

    I was a normal guy until I was 12. Then round about when I started high school I became reclusive, low and stopped speaking. I did well in my first year of high school academically, but I had no friends whatsoever and was very low, so I was moved to a different school, where things were much the same. At 18, I had had no friends for the past 6 years, had been abusing legal highs and alcohol for about 3 years, the only major plus in my life being that I came out of high school with the dux (but couldn't go to the prizegiving to receive it because I was so paranoid and uncomfortable).

    I then started a maths degree with second year entry and passed the second year. However, I was bullied by my flatmates for not speaking to them and made no friends at uni. Then in the third year of my degree, I barely attended, sitting alone in my mum and dad's house for most of the year or at my uni accommodation. I didn't attend my third year exams, and finally I was taken to a psychiatrist, at the age of 20. He diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

    I then basically lost the next year of my life, trying different medications, some of which completely knocked me flat and left me lying in bed not enjoying anything for days and days, going to occupational therapy things, and sitting in my room playing my guitar and reading. I had no references and wasn't really in a state to get a paid job, apart from four days of leaflet distribution.

    The following year (starting September 2013) I returned to uni to retry the third year. It went well at first, but I had to commute 3 hours each way every day because I couldn't live alone and had to stay with my parents in my hometown. I had a good balance of medications (15mg aripiprazole and 50mg sertraline) at first, but then got a new psychiatrist who said that although I had psychotic symptoms, I didn't have schizophrenia, and instead had social phobia and was on the autistic spectrum. He dropped my aripiprazole rapidly down to 5mg, and I became reclusive, started sleeping all day and staying up all night, stopped going to uni and believed I was on the verge of a mathematical breakthrough which would make me millions of pounds. When this was brought to his attention, he put my aripiprazole back up, though he hasn't told me what he now thinks my diagnosis is.

    I tried to salvage something of the year at uni by sitting 40 credits out of 120. I think I passed 20 of the credits but failed the other 20. I did no studying directly for the exams: I panicked and copied 150 pages of the wrong textbook.

    I've been doing better recently though. I'm volunteering 4 days a week, with a view to getting references for paid work in a few weeks, managed to read four novels over the last two weekends, have lost a lot of weight recently by walking, and have played a lot of guitar recently. But I still can't study for university. It's not that I've lost interest in my particular subject. I can't think of any other subject I actually would study for...my family says it's a confidence and procrastination issue, possibly. They say that my illness has probably knocked my confidence.

    Anyway, as I said, I attempted an overdose a few days ago but changed my mind...and now I'm scared that I'll try something again. The things going through my mind as I took the pills were: a feeling of insignificance and self-hatred, the fears I described above, a girl from high school who said I was stalking her when I wasn't (I thought, "I'll show her, she'll see what she's done to me"...horrible thing to think I know, I feel bad now), the thought that I just couldn't face another day (of volunteering, or of sitting at home alone or walking round my hometown alone, feeling like crap), the pressure from people to complete a degree,...
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your difficulties. You are challenged with a serious and difficult disorder in schizophrenia that makes many mundane simple things into huge tasks. I am glad hat they have sorted your meds to a tolerable level of effectiveness and side effects.

    I think the most important thing for you to do is to try to stop comparing yourself to your family in identifying success. Your brother and sister may have some impressive accomplishments but I promise your success at getting some semblance of control with schizophrenia is a far far more impressive task than their university degree.

    I am unsure what resources might be available where you are at but it may be worth discussing with parents about finding some alternative arrangemens that may allow you to continue to grow as an individual and find some happiness in your life. Living in the environment at home while comfortable to some degree also leaves you in a place where they do not necessarily understand your needs. It also leads to the comparisons of yourself and your siblings on a constant basis. If they have the resources (and it sounds like they might have) you might want to investigate some assisted living situations that give you a measure of independence while still providing a safety net that would allow you to continue to grow as an adult and a person rather than the stagnant lifestyle that you have assumed.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    :butterfly4:Life doesn't come with an owner's manual like cars do, and you've probably seen or heard most of the advice given to younger folks. I don't even care for the popular culture practice of labeling people as Schizophrenic, Bipolar, and so on--maybe only doctors should do that, so they can diagnose & treat. Non-medical people cannot do this.

    I think you should take any medicines prescribed for you, and talk to your doctor if you experience large changes in mood, or have unwanted thoughts, or hear voices. The doctor may have suggestions about follw-up care for you. There are support groups for people who live with autism, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder in most cities.

    Best wishes and welcome to this forum.

  4. Juliet Ca.

    Juliet Ca. New Member

    I hear you and relate completely. Our situations are very similar. Since you're looking for advice:
    1. I've noticed that depression can tend to come in bursts, much like some kind of... evil orgasm. When you feel that darkening stay, drink a lot of water. Not enough to make yourself sick, but a little more than you're used to. (I'm sorry, I read the beginning of your post on my phone and skimmed the rest. Not sure if you drink alcohol, but) It will hit your bloodstream and lift your spirits without being as potentially devastating or addictive as hard liquor.
    2. If possible, stay active. Do pushups, climb trees, jog. It also helps with depression and fear for the future, not to mention gives you some bodily definition and a boost in self esteem.
    3. Write a letter to yourself. Hell, write several. Write a letter to yourself as a concerned friend that wants to see yourself do better. Refer to yourself by name, avoid being hard on yourself. I'm sure you would fix your situation immediately if you could.i know you understand that, too.

    Here's a humanity hug for you. :) I sincerely hope you feel better and your smile never fades.
  5. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Hey there, sorry to hear that you're having troubles.
    I have attempted suicide myself 8 months ago and I ended up in the hospital in a coma. I was then diagnosed with major chronic depression and since then I've been taking meds, so I think I partly understand your situation, which enables me to give you some advice:

    First of all, I really think you should have a conversation with your psychiatrist about your diagnosis. It's not normal for him to insist upon taking medication without even being sure what you have. Maybe you should even consider switching to another doctor. I've recently done the same thing.
    Second of all, you have to stop worrying about your future. You're tired right now, tired of life and nobody can make good decisions when they're tired. Small steps, that's the key. Your volunteering seems like a wonderful thing, making yourself useful and helping others helps you too so keep up the good work. I abandoned university myself because I couldn't cope with the stress and because the constant studying all but drove me(together with many other reasons) to try and take my own life. I'm not really in a hurry to resume my studies. You shouldn't be either if it makes you uncomfortable. You're 22, your life is ahead of you. Think of it like this, you have like a minimum of 40 years to work on your career still ahead, what's a year more or less compared to that? If it really isn't what you need right now, don't beat yourself up for postponing it a little bit more. Just try to enjoy the little things in life, to get accustomed to the idea of living. It's a hard task. And there's no need to compare yourself to your siblings, they aren't suffering like you are, they have no clue what it's like to live in pain. You have more important things even to accomplish than they have: you have to save your own life.

    I would write more, but I'm out of ideas and really tired now, I'll come back and share more if you're interested.
    And if you're feeling lonely, feel free to PM me anytimer. I think I'm a pretty good listener ;))

    *hugs* take care!
  6. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your support and advice. I really like the idea of a different living arrangement, but there are a few issues which would stand in my way.

    My parents believe very strongly that they shouldn't give me more than they give my siblings (they don't want to reward success or failure), and they don't particularly want to buy a flat or pay the rent on one for me to live in, even though they probably do have enough money to.

    I'm not eligible for supported living as far as I know, as I have too many savings. I live in Britain, and I have about £20,000 from grandparents. This is enough for me to rent a flat for a few years, but not to buy a flat of my own. I wouldn't get my accommodation paid for me, as far as I know, when I have this level of savings, so I'd just be running my savings down, increasing the likelihood of the things I fear like homelessness and poverty.

    I think I'm going to have to stay with my parents, and get a job and try to save up so I can buy my own place, as I don't want to rent, since it wouldn't feel secure to me: I've seen the way my health can fluctuate, so a bad few years in the future could mean losing my place to stay if I'm just renting.

    My parents are normally supportive and are not violent or especially abusive, but obviously things can become very strained at home, my parents can be unpredictable, and sometimes they lose it and say things to me which I'd rather they didn't (sometimes they rant at me for hours). I just have to hold my tongue in case they put me out to fend for myself, which would obviously be difficult for me. I don't particularly feel happy at home, but it seems to be the best of a bad bunch of options. My parents aren't bad people or anything, and it's a nice house they have, and I have a nice room with all my books, my computer and my guitar, so it's not all bad.

    This is just my slant on my situation. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

    To Hatshepsut: Thank you for your advice too, and for welcoming me to the forum. I will talk to my doctor about my mood. In case you weren't sure, I already have been talking to a psychiatrist, and he has made all the diagnoses I detailed in my first post at some point or another.

    To Juliet Ca.: I think keeping active is definitely a good thing to keep in mind. I've been doing a lot of walking recently, and it's definitely helping. Thank you for the humanity hug! It's a shame to hear that you're going through something similar to my situation. Obviously I've been there...

    To Taanya: I will talk to my psychiatrist. I don't see him again until August, but I might try to contact him earlier. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. Thank you for the support and the hug!

    I might come back and write some more later, but I've got to go for my evening meal now.

    Thank you again to everybody who has responded.
  7. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    I have my OT in a few hours (occupational therapist, a mental health worker who tries to get me into doing more, and who updates my psychiatrist on my situation).

    Should I tell her about my "attempt"?

    Also, I've binged on alcohol a number of times over the last few weeks (by binge I mean 15-25 UK units in a few hours) and I'm smoking a pack of 20 cigarettes every three days, roughly. Should I tell my OT about this?

    I got my exam results back, and got what I expected. I will have a resit in August, but I've done no studying for it. I'd like to try mood stabilisers in case they'd help me or ADHD medication like ritalin to help me study, but I don't think my psychiatrist wants to prescribe me either. He assessed me for bipolar and said I don't have it, and he says he can't legally give me ritalin without an ADHD diagnosis, or something.

    I'm sort of torn between wanting to be really open and get appropriate medications, and wanting to hide certain things and stay off medication so that I can lose weight and get my driving license back.

    In some ways, I like being unmedicated, though my mum says it's unfair to the people around me. I quite like the feeling of hope I sometimes get off medication, and when I feel like I'm on the verge of some great breakthrough, and I like not being fat. But my mum says it's dangerous for me to be unmedicated. On medication right now, it's bleak bleak bleak. I'm on a social enterprise volunteering in cafes and gardening, alongside others who have learning difficulties and mental illness, with a view to getting low-paid, unglamorous work. Understandably I prefer my fantasies where I'm on the verge of breakthroughs which will make me millions and bring me admiration.

    My options right now seem to be:

    1/ Continue with my degree, and try to get a reasonably paid job with it.

    2/ Continue with my social enterprise and try to get a low-paid job.

    3/ Go to this other social enterprise which teaches you woodwork and metalwork, with a view to starting a business or working in these areas.

    4/ Get into investing and make money that way. I have no knowledge of this, but my brother is encouraging me, and has given me a copy of The Intelligent Investor. I find it really dry, but I also find working in a cafe pretty bad and draining, so I'm trying to build up the self-control to read The Intelligent Investor. I've got a bit of money to put into investing.

    5/ Try to write a novel, since I read a bit more now...but this is a crazy idea.
  8. Hey, just so you know, you sound very gifted, im a maths graduate but I reckon you would run circles around me :) I hope things look up for but remember you are awesome and being different is not a bad thing
  9. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member


    But I don't think I'm that gifted! Perhaps you're being hard on yourself when you say I'd run circles around you (or you're just being nice/overestimating me). Your username suggests you're being hard on yourself. I really doubt that the most boring person ever is a maths graduate!

    Thank you for your kind words!

    I hope things go well for you too.

    I agree that being different isn't a bad thing. But I worry that I might be different in all the wrong ways :(
  10. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I hope you did tell the OT about these things, unless it's the same person who issues job referrals on a competitive basis, as with Workforce Services in the USA. I don't recommend investing, because it is a potent stressor. People get wiped out in sudden market downturns. (Unless you really have enough money, enough not to worry about losing it.)

    First-year calculus was about as far as I could go in math. The upper-division stuff was simply beyond my capabilities, and I did try to learn analysis and linear algebra. And I consider I have a pretty good mind, even though I'm old enough that my intellect has started to decline. That's something that will happen to you also. Mathematicians, scientists, and tech people usually put out their best work in their 20s and 30s. Although they can continue working later than that, they are "resting on laurels," so to speak, relying on skills learnt in past. Offhand, it seems like a promising career for you, to replace the low-paid job you will get for pocket money during school.

    All this asssumes you've resolved whatever issues motivated you to post in a suicide forum. A professional career requires good mental health, strict focus on goals, and time management, because "making it" is grueling, and a lot of sincere candidates don't get there. I never had a career, because I didn't make the requisite sacrifices.

    Best wishes & best of luck to you. Don't take what I say too seriously, but know that you deserve the best in life.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2014
  11. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Thanks :)

    I told my OT about my suicide "attempt", but not the other stuff.

    I have about £20,000, but I want that money secure so that I can use it as a starting point to save up for a place of my own.

    I would love to be a mathematician. That was my dream at 18, but life has given me a few knocks since then. I'd like, as an alternative, to earn enough money that I have enough spare time to pursue maths seriously independently of a university. I'm not fussy about where I earn that money (though I'd prefer it to be in something mathematical), as long as it's not something that makes me uneasy morally. I'll just try to work hard and see where it takes me.

    The good mental health part of a professional career sounds like it could be difficult for me, but I'm trying to commit to recovery.

    Thanks for the good luck wishes. Best of luck to you too :)
  12. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Really lonely.

    I only have my immediate family. That's four people. One is out for a meal with colleagues (my dad the doctor), one is out in America (my brother the recent dental graduate who is away with his girlfriend), my sister's home and my mum's home, but I think they're finding my need for company a bit demanding, plus the conversation dries up pretty quickly when they're the only people you've spoken to in years and there isn't much going on in your life. So I'm alone in my room listening to music.

    I don't actually want to be a doctor or a dentist in terms of doing the job (perhaps a symptom of my conditions), but I'd like the respect, money and the life I could build off being a doctor.

    I'm on nicotine patches now to try to get off smoking, but I'm drinking vodka tonight. Right now it's the only thing I have that works, apart from waiting out my depression until I feel better for a spell.

    I think I would off myself if I knew there was no hope in new medication (want to try ADHD medication and/or mood stabilisers, it seems like my last resort to help me build a life).

    Anyone got any ideas for ways to distract myself tonight? Perhaps we could PM chat, and I could try to make it entertaining for you too :)

    I'm not at immediate risk, I think, though I can be impulsive. I'm just lonely.
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