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Bit of an awkward one..

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by -brokengirl-, Apr 21, 2013.

  1. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    So i have been in a relationship now for 2 years, he knows me better than i know myself, and i love him.

    However it took a year for me to be able to do anything sexual at all.

    When i was in year 7 (11 yrs old), i used to get teased a lot. My friends would all sit around a table and ask me sexual questions, then laugh and take the piss when i didn't know the answer.
    Then i was forced to go out with a guy they set me up with, which eventually led to being shoved against a door with 20 of mine and his friends watching as he shoved his toungue down my throat.
    After that the next few bf's i had left me because i wouldnt do anything at all, including hugging etc. (Because i was waiting for them to start it so i knew i wasn't going wrong.)
    Then my last bf before this one tried to force himself on me, not rape, but trying to touch me and grab me.

    (present day)
    This is where it gets annoying. My bf loves me, but he doesn't understand why i cant have sexual contact very often. The depression etc on its own is bad enough to reduce my libido, but coupled with the rest of it i just find it really hard to shut off and actually enjoy it. As a result we have been arguing a lot, because he thinks it's unfair, and he even said to me 'as long as we do it at least once a week then i don't care'.. As you can imagine this realy hurt. He doesn't like when i force myself but he was basically forcing me to force myself.

    So now my already non existent self esteem has disappeared never to even slightly return, and i just don't know what to do. I can't imagine being without him, but i cant keep having the same fight over and over again.

    Sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    I'd appreciate it if someone would talk about it with me though because its really messing me up...

    Thanks for reading.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    This is the right place. I'm probably the wrong person to reply as I'm strongly tempted to suggest your bf learns about foreplay, making a woman feel desirable and making love.
  3. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    We've tried lots of foreplay etc, but i hate feeling that vunerable, i don't like being touched, and i know that foreplay leads to sex, and i just start shutting down. I can't take compliments, i can't accept that he loves ME. Because he has seen me at my worse, and saved my life, but i can't understand why he would love me or want to be with me after that..
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't feel you have to have sex. If you don't like being touched you're not going to enjoy sexual touching. You might consider talking about it with some one from Relate say. Or one of the help lines for women who have been abused will probably be able to help you. This still leaves you with your bf wants sex and you don't. That is very painful to negotiate. You are aware of all the pluses and minuses. Wish I could help more.
  5. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    What's Relate? I've never heard of that one... And i'd feel really bad ringing a line like that because it's not abuse... And yeah it's been really difficult recently, i still want to be with him, but he just can't grasp that i need to stop forcing myself and that it makes me feel awful when i do :/
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    This is not going to be helpful and I am not going to pretend it is but there are in fact two egos and esteem problems here, not just yours. I only bring it up so in your discussions with him you understand he also feels bad-- not just denied sex, but feels bad. From the point of view of his ego - he feels like he must be doing something wrong and not interesting to enough to you/ not good enough at "doing it" - a very similar post on here could read "my girlfriend is not sexually attracted to me and thinks I want to hurt her".

    Neither perspective is completely true and both are the truth as perceived. As I said, I do not have an answer or a solution. Just a suggestion to keep in mind when talking to him that it is not just his "desire" you are discussing but his esteem and ego as well. Similarly in such discussion if you express mental interest and desire is not the issue on your part - that a part of you wants very much to have a normal sexual relationship emphasizing "with him" and your own ego and esteem issues coming from not being allowed it then it may help level the discussion.

    You both are having ego and esteem issues and you both are not getting a satisfying sexual relationship - work from common ground that you both are sharing the same two issues. The reason behind your issue is of far less importance in this discussion than the fact it is effecting you both in similar ways - emphasizing the past (which is 100% valid and I am not discounting in the least) will inevitably make him feel you are comparing him to those acts.....

    I hope you are able to work through this- you deserve to be happy regardless of the details and particulars of your arrangement and situation.
  7. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Relate is a UK partnership guidance organisation. I know your bf's behaviour is not abuse but I suggested a women's helpline as many women have difficulty with sex and intimacy after abuse. They should be familiar with the problems and able to help.
  8. -brokengirl-

    -brokengirl- Well-Known Member

    He understands the reasons and is comfortable that it isn't him, we have spoken of that many times. He knows I'm not comparing him to those times, I use t to explain to him ONCE that that was the reason i findit hard, I would never keep going over it as an excuse with him, he just needed a reason to prove it wasn't him, and that's the reason.
  9. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    don't know if this might help, since i'm quite a bit different in that sense i think but, maybe getting used to some ways of physical contact that don't have a sexual undertone may help you. i for example have haphephobia [fear of touching/being touched, tho not too severe], and with most people i'm pretty uncomfortable having any kind of contact really, which includes hugging, handshakes, tickling, anything really [with the exception of small children for some reason]. in my case though, if it's 'just sex', meaning i'm not really 'dating' the person, then i don't really care, i can get into the mood pretty easily. tho i just started dating someone i actually like lol, and we haven't really done anything yet, so we'll see how that goes. as to these ways of physical contact that i mentioned in the beginning, i myself started karate for example. in karate it's like.. at times we do like pair excercises, meaning not really 'hitting' each other, but there's like the simulation of hitting, meaning foot to stomach and stuff like that. someone touching my stomach in the general sense would be pretty much over the line, lol, but in karate i know there's no way they have some ulterior meaning with this, if that makes sense. so it's kind of okay, difficult to explain. also the teacher there sometimes like 'corrects' our body positions and stuff like that, which is additional physical contact. i've only been going there a month now, and i'm pretty much used to physical contact there already.
    hope this made any sense lol, i'm kinda hungover right now
  10. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I would really suggest you see a professional, who deals with sexual abuse recovery. Irregardless of what happens with this person, you have a right to be able to feel comfortable with all types of intimacy, including simple hugging, etc.

    I was abused myself as a child, and suffered with this problem for some time. It's pretty darn tough to get past all the guilt, shame, etc, without the right kind of help. And no fun spending your life feeling like you need to avoid closeness because of how you feel. You deserve to have a full life, and that includes love and intimacy.

    I would suggest that maybe your bf also attend a session or two with you. No matter how many times he may say he gets that this is not about how you feel about him, he is going to feel rejected. He needs to fully understand what you are going through, and maybe he can even help with exercises to help you feel more comfortable.

    Sex shouldn't be a chore, but something you look forward to, and enjoy.
  11. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Ok, tough area for me to fully appreciate, but I'll give it a go - this is only an opinion and not one that necessarily needs to be listened to.

    If I was to be critical, I would be more inclined to suggest that the pair of you are not showing that you really love each other.

    If he truly loved you as much as he claims, he wouldn't be saying things like 'as long as we do it at least once a week'.

    This is a guy who helped you out of a bad spot, and has been with you for two years, but did you not enter the relationship together? So somewhere along the line, if you feel that he's forcing you to force yourself, why have you gone along and forced yourself to do things you're not ready for?

    As for assuming foreplay leads to sex, it doesn't have to if you don't want it to. That and sex itself is widely given a misguided perception, It's primary function is to continue the human species along the evolutionary life path, not for someone's ego/esteem. It

    Above all - you should be yourself. If he doesn't accept you being how you are, and seems intent on forcing you to be something you're not (taking the arguments into consideration), regardless of how much you love him, it could be time to call it quits on that particular relationship. It sounds damaging because you're allowing him, in a way, to control how you are, instead of taking responsibility for yourself.

    It is just another way of seeing things - as it is only an opinion. There is scope for me being totally wrong too.