Bit Unsure Really

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bunnybunny, May 21, 2008.

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  1. bunnybunny

    bunnybunny Guest


    I don't know what is wrong with me. I am not sure if I want to die. I have taken numerous overdoses but then ended up calling for help. I have also passed out numerous times through drinking and went to hospital. In the past year I have been in hospital over 14 times. I am on medication for depression but not sure if it works. I was told by some social worker that is probably a personality disorder but then nothing was followed up.

    I am not sure if it is attention seeking, why would I when I have a network of friends and family - but they dont know what is going on. Do I take the pills so that I can go to hospital? Do I enjoy being in hospital? Well you would think so judging by the amount of times I have been there in the past year or so. So I drink then take lots of pills. Maybe when I take them I wanna die but then regret the decision. I think there must be something going on that is not quite right in my head if that is the case. I think I must be crazy.

    Does anyone else have any input?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and seems that a pdoc or MD would be able to make a more definitive dx for you and hopefully get you on a more effective is very difficult to know why we are doing things when they seem so chaotic and seemingly out of our control...hope you find more clarity and big hugs, J
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm so sorry to read about what you've been through in the last year. that has to be exhausting, both physically and spiritually.

    sometimes we have to take action on our own behalf, no matter how tired we feel. maybe this is one of those times? see if you can get hold of any books by mary ellen copeland. she's really helped me learn how to advocate for myself. you also might want to see if there is a mental health advocacy group near you. they can help you navigate the system and use to your own advantage. it's hard to fight on your own for the services you deserve.

    you mention your friends don't really know what's going on. can you pick one or two that you can open up to? that way you can ask them for support when you are feeling low. if they don't know how serious it is you will never feel fully supported by them. for each of us it's different, what we need, that is. for me, i just want someone to tell me that it will all work out okay, and reassure me that i'm doing the right things and that i will eventually feel better. oh that, and a sofa to crash on when i don't want to be alone. others might want their friends to distract them, entertain them, or drive the to the hospital. it's up to you.

    i hope you will find a way to build more support into your life. you deserve it, and i'm sure your friends and family would want to be there for you if they knew how much you are suffering.
  4. bunnybunny

    bunnybunny Guest

    I dont get it. I got the urge to take pills again so I could go to hospital. Not enough to kill me just enough to land me in for a couple of nights. It is all i think about. I have dreams about it. I am so confised?
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Taking pills can cause you damage in the long run sobest not nto do that. How is everything? How is your life in general?
  6. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't believe you're attention seeking, because most people don't admit that they might be attention seeking if they are. Plus, it seems rather silly to come onto an almost anonymous forum to get attention.

    And as for the confusion, pretty much everyone here has it at some point. We don't really know what's going on or really what's happening with us. It just completely baffles us all.
  7. bunnybunny

    bunnybunny Guest

    Suppose. So I am just crazy then?

    goldenPsych - Nothing really gone on. In a relationship which is going well, We have had our problems. But they are sorted now. Work is ok. I am scarde about people finding out that are close to me.

    One weird thing that happens to me is when i get so drunk i cant move and cant open my eyes. An ambulance has been called and i still cant move no matter what they do to me. i can hear everything going on around me but cant do anything about it. I have become to know a particular nurse at the hospital quite well as she always seems to be there when i have been there.

    When i was younger, i used to make things seem worse than they were like a sprained wrist or what ever so I could go to hospital. I watch programmes real life and fiction that are set in hospitals and wish it was me. I dont know waht it is. If it was attention seeking maybe it is would I tell my friends and family? I dont understand myself at all. Sometimes I do wanna die and I stockpile loads of pills and take them all but then i am sick. I wish I was ill at times so that I could be in hospital.
  8. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Actually someone once said to me the people are truly crazy don't know they're crazy where as the people who are going crazy know they're going crazy.

    So you might be going crazy (as are most of us) but you aint there yet.
  9. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Try telling the people close to you what's happening

    I don't know what's happenind to you but it doesn't seem typical. Maybe you like the hospital?
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