bits of my life, I suppose. triggering.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Anon00010000, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. Anon00010000

    Anon00010000 New Member

    Here's a rant about shit on my mind

    Ever since elementary school I've had to watch everyone else around me be happy. And I had a fucked-up class schedule that never allowed me to make any lasting friendships. In kindergarten, I was switched to the afternoon class; in fourth grade, I was pulled out of my class and put into a split 4th/5th grade class with people I didn't know because it saved the school money; in middle school, in 6th grade, I did well on a math pre-test, causing me to be bumped up a year grade-wise for that particular course, which fucked up my entire schedule in high school--point is, I never really got to know anyone, because I kept being moved around the school system. Not to mention that I was pretty much bullied ever since pre-school, causing me to be more antisocial and reclusive. I stopped giving a fuck about socializing early on because it never worked out--everyone already had their social circles.

    In 8th grade, I had to wake up an hour early every day to attend a geometry class taught by a bald ****y teacher who incessantly picked on his students because the only thing larger than the stick up his ass was his ego. The time that I would've had a normal math class was spent as a free period in the library, in which 5 other students from the class were present. They never invited me over. They pretended I didn't exist. They'd each walk right past me and sit at a table on the opposite side of a barrier. I wasn't fat or ugly or mean or autistic or anything--just shy. So I don't understand why they wouldn't even bother giving me a chance. But I couldn't go anywhere else because there was nowhere else to go. Every day I had to pretend to sleep and sit and listen to them talk. After school ended, I had to stay afterwards for another hour or so to play in a poorly-coordinated jazz band. And on top of this, I was involved in soccer and the boy scouts, but I cared for neither. My life consisted of extra-curricular activities and grades. The only thing I had time for was video games. The "friends" I did have cared only for talking about video games.

    In high school, I began cutting myself. Was pretty much a loner in a school of loners. The only friends I had I knew at a superficial level. I'd worked my ass off for years, being an honor roll student, participating in all the extra bullshit my parents wanted me to, and I felt dead. Every time I got a B my parents would sit me down and lecture me. But by my sophomore year I just stopped giving a fuck. I failed classes and hurt myself and sat around playing video games because I just wanted to feel better. When my parents found out, my mom hit me repeatedly because she's fucking emotionally unstable. My 'rents got me a therapist who immediately broke the doctor-patient confidentiality because I mentioned occasionally experiencing suicidal thoughts, and so I told her nothing, because I didn't know how much of a blabbermouth she was. She medicated me and told me to stop playing video games, and for the next two years my parents constantly reminded me that they felt as if they were "stepping on eggshells" when in reality I didn't care what the fuck they did, because they weren't ever really doing anything other than pushing me to get good grades. And even when my grades were good again, they constantly did it, giving me guilt-trips.
    Well, gee, sorry for doing what you asked and suffering the mental consequences of it, mom and dad. Thank you for reminding me that I'm a burden on you both and that nobody in this world ever gave a fuck about me as a person. Thank you for treating me as a son, as a student, as a resource to be used, rather than as a human being.

    In my junior year I met a girl who also cut herself incessantly. She texted me loads of shit--how her boyfriend wanted to masturbate her, how she had a threesome, how she was doing anal, how other people I knew but didn't give a fuck about were having a great time. Most of it was sexual, but the stuff that wasn't was either her asking for support or her bragging about how great her life was. The only thing I really was to her was an emotional tampon. She never wanted to hang out. She was the kind of person that used people, and chose to use me in that way just because I was a "nice guy". Must've fucked at least 20 guys by the end of high school. And I had to sit and hear about every one. The worst part is that I thought of her as an actual friend because she was the only one I could relate to in that way. So I went with it, because I had nobody else.
    I hope she cuts herself again.

    And now I'm in college. I don't know why. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't care about getting any kind of a job. Nothing interests me. I have no friends, and the idea of talking to people scares the shit out of me. I'm an asshole that hates people because that's the only I can make myself feel better, and every time I try to be nice to people I get fucked. I feel like going postal. If I can't be happy then why should other people get to be happy
     
  2. Anon00010000

    Anon00010000 New Member

    why isn't there an edit or delete button

    why can't I edit or delete this thread if I want to

    what the fuck