Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by DarnTired, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    I've been doing a lot of self-examination recently and I think that my biggest problem is bitterness. I'm one of those people who holds onto the past (particularly the injustices of the past) forever.

    I've come to realize that many of my thoughts and actions are controled by feelings of bitterness. I'm angry at the past and many of the people in it. I'm angry at former bosses and former roommates who I feel have taken advantage of my good nature and have wronged me. There's a persistent feeling of "Someday, I'll be important and then I'll show them! Then they'll see."

    But, of course, recognizing a problem and fixing it are two separate things. I want to let go of the past. I realize what this means: I have to forgive. I have to forgive all those people who have wronged me. This isn't an easy thing to do. I can say that I forgive them all, but do I really? How do you truly forgive?

    That's all I wanted to say.
  2. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    A few months ago I thought I was doing really well because I thought I'd forgiven people and moved on etc. but then when they hurt me again I realised that all the old feelings were still there and I hadn't really forgiven them at all.

    I have moved on a lot though, for example, I've come to accept that I can't change the past, realised that amongst all the bad stuff there has been some good stuff to come out of it and also I've been thinking a lot about how I want to live my life and develop as a person in the future.

    I think in the past I used to look at my life, saw it was in a mess and then wanted to blame people and blame myself for it. I now see myself as being like a wilting plant or a neglected animal, kind of in a sorry state but that's ok, I've come to terms with that. In my head instead of beating myself up over it I'm now hugging myself instead.

    I like to think that if I really care for myself then I stand a good chance of having a better future, and yeah someday I'll show them too, but hopefully I'll show them that they didn't hurt me too much and I became a better person for it.
  3. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    i've had a hard time accepting that my (older) sisters have completely forgiven our dad. He's a very different man now than he was when we were growing up but by forgiving him, it just feels like it's all forgotten, like he gets away with it and it doesn't matter, like it never happened. I hold onto the past a lot, i think because it never seems resolved. i'd much rather have a big argument and get it out in the open than tip toeing round it like it didn't happen, which would make me seem a whole lot more of a monster than i am already. How to forgive? Ask them. i still don't think i have. i think it's individual and i think it takes time. i don't know exactly what people have done to you to make you bitter, but try to remember they're all human beings with feelings and their own troubles. i'm not trying to patronise in the least, by the way, it's just that it helped when i realised my dad was a human being himself and wasn't having the best time himself. It doesn't excuse anything, but it's easier to understand. You don't have to excuse their actions, but try to forgive them for your own peace of mind.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I forgave the person who caused me the most took years but when I did it it was like giving up drinking poison.
    Letting go of the past and past hurts is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, bitterness is a poison that eats away at the soul.

    Good luck with letting go Darn :hug:
  5. DarnTired

    DarnTired Antiquitie's Friend

    Thanks for all the replies to my posts today, but this isn't my best day today. I woke up feeling stressed and my stomach has been aching with stress sickness all day. I've just been reading this self-help book about the power of positive thinking and I've been trying it for the last few days, but it just isn't working today. I haven't sent out a single resume today and my usual tricks (60's music) isn't relieving any of the stress. I'm beginning to think that just giving up today may be the best thing to do. Just to lay down and try to get some sleep even though its only 3:00 in the afternoon.

    God, I feel like shit.

    Maybe I should call my therapist.
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    You pose a very good question. Kindtosnails had good reasoning too: it does take time and depends on the situation. 4 people were in the room, then, will have 4 different perceptions of the events that occured. I feel you cannot address a problem until you have identified it. You also must be open to recognizing your mistakes and learn to or want to improve. It IS a great imrovement that the anger, bitter, forgiveness is your focus where you can tackle it now.

    If your question were asked to me, I would say time, exprerience and lots of practice. I think we as humans with memories and a tendency to want to avoid being hurt must deal with this all the time. So, I forgive my dad things from years ago. Where I must let go my friends picky attitude last week. It is not always your problem, but 'holding on to the grudge' can make it your problem now. Holding on makes the anger change to bitterness and grow, ick! When I forgave them TOTALLY, the weight on my shoulders lifted and was gone.

    For me, the biggest lesson I got in forgiveness is that my 85 year old grandmother is a good example of bitterness. For years, we tried to get her to drop it, drop is harder to do when you get older. Just now she is starting to letting go. Things that happened 40 years ago, were "stuck in her memory". Sad and hard.

    But think about it, we all can be mad/bitter for the rest of your life OR learn to not let it into your luggage. I was admiring a friend that let things bounce off him and he never got upset. He learned it when he was young.

    My sister forgave my father first, then my brother. It took a lot longer for me, cuz I had different issues. For me, I had anger inside and not known that I felt angry about that.
    I think you can forgive someone for ----but will retain a memory. The forgiveness file might be handy for valuable lessons.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 30, 2007
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