Black and White thinking - Getting bored of the way my mind works.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by feathers, Jan 27, 2011.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It's like, whenever I'm talking to a boy, a strive constantly to flirt, to get him to like me and fall for me, even when I have no interest. If he doesn't, my self esteem hits rock bottom. Even if I have no interest. If someone I like says someone else is "pretty", I hit rock bottom. If I feel like someone doesn't like me, if I feel like someone thinks someone else is better than me, or if I view someone else to be better than me, I hit rock bottom. I get suicidal.

    Whereas some people constantly check the facebook of one person, I check the facebook of multiple people. I have a compulsion to make people like me, to validate myself, and seek out any sign that they don't, or that they like someone else, which fucks me up.

    I don't understand why I do it. Well, I do, it's for validation. But it's involuntary. I can't control it. I just DO it. It's natural. I can't behave normally around people. And I don't know how to act around girls, because I have guy friends who I act flirty with all the time. If I try to act as myself around girls, it obviously doesn't work because girls aren't going to respond in the same way to my flirty behaviour.

    I'm always thinking about this stuff. Always. Wondering if someone wants me. I want my exes to keep wanting me long after we break up even if I can't stand them anymore and want them to stay away from me. Well I say that but I just thrive on attention in any form, and all boyfriends have to think that I'm the best they ever had or I feel worthless and like the worst they ever had.

    Black-and-white thinking, yes. It's hell. If someone approves of me, I'm top of the world. If someone even slightly disapproves, I hate myself and want to die.

    Ugh. I wish someone could just save me from my own mind.
  2. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    You just totally described exactly my life. I don't know what to say to make it better, or anything that would help you change the way you approach it, but I completely understand every single word you have just written.
  3. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I have heard some celebrities in interviews say they only remember the boos, the expressions of disapproval not the cheers. I identify with the wildly swinging feelings of elation when complemented and the despair when criticized.

    I guess it comes down to having stable and unconditional self love. Warts and all self acceptance. I guess the longer a person lives, overcoming obstacles and proving themselves a worthwhile person the more stable their self regard becomes.
  4. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    have you heard of borderline personality disorder? I'm not trying to diagnosis you its just I relate to what your saying and that's the diagnosis that covers most of my symptoms.
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Yeah I have and I've mentioned it to a psychiatrist, he says I have traits (all of them) but won't diagnose me
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I can relate to everything you said. I have BPD and, unfortunately, that's how it works. The person we like, if they're mad at us, they hate us. If they're treating us well (in our minds), they love us. There's never an in-between.
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I know all too well what's it's like to feel like a person doesn't love you and to fall into depths of despair.
  8. I am obviously many many years older than you, but I could have been reading my own writing, when I read your post, 'Black and White Thinking'. After years of agony and thinking I was out of my mind, I was told a few months ago that I have dependent personality disorder, with borderline tendencies. Well, isn't that just grand. It explains everything about my interactions with males. Which are exactly as you described for yourself. I contacted someone from school through Facebook. Why? Because when we graduated high school he wrote a poem in my yearbook that said he was in love with me. I was engaged to be married to someone else at the time, but I never forgot that. So, after 3, yes, 3 divorces, countless numbers of failed relationships, and extricating myself from yet another abusive partner, I contacted him. Just as friends of course. I mentioned him to my step-mom. She said, "So is he going to be the new man in your life?" I was stunned, insulted, angry, but of course just laughted, ha, ha, ha. But afterwards I realized she was right, there has not been one male in my life who has entered and been just a friend. If I'm in contact with a man, I do the same thing every time. I charm him, I compliment him, I behave in ways that have him thinking I am absolutely crazy about him, so he falls in love with me. Who wouldn't. A woman who is everything you could have ever wanted. Except for one problem. I'm not that woman. I'm just behaving that way because he HAS to love me, HAS to want me, I can't rest until that happens. Then, I panic, I'm stuck, I'm back imprisoned with another man I don't even love, I have to get out... and the cycle begins again... The only good thing about all that has happened in recent months, is I can finally see what I am doing, and have been able to stay alone. So far, it's only been three months...
    Thank you for your posting, it is wonderful to see that I am not the only person who suffers from this unbearable need to be loved, to have everyone like me, and if they don't, to want to die...
    I am sad that you are so young and suffering so very much, :hug:
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    hit me right in the fucking heart that, dude. word for fucking word.
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