It's like, whenever I'm talking to a boy, a strive constantly to flirt, to get him to like me and fall for me, even when I have no interest. If he doesn't, my self esteem hits rock bottom. Even if I have no interest. If someone I like says someone else is "pretty", I hit rock bottom. If I feel like someone doesn't like me, if I feel like someone thinks someone else is better than me, or if I view someone else to be better than me, I hit rock bottom. I get suicidal. Whereas some people constantly check the facebook of one person, I check the facebook of multiple people. I have a compulsion to make people like me, to validate myself, and seek out any sign that they don't, or that they like someone else, which fucks me up. I don't understand why I do it. Well, I do, it's for validation. But it's involuntary. I can't control it. I just DO it. It's natural. I can't behave normally around people. And I don't know how to act around girls, because I have guy friends who I act flirty with all the time. If I try to act as myself around girls, it obviously doesn't work because girls aren't going to respond in the same way to my flirty behaviour. I'm always thinking about this stuff. Always. Wondering if someone wants me. I want my exes to keep wanting me long after we break up even if I can't stand them anymore and want them to stay away from me. Well I say that but I just thrive on attention in any form, and all boyfriends have to think that I'm the best they ever had or I feel worthless and like the worst they ever had. Black-and-white thinking, yes. It's hell. If someone approves of me, I'm top of the world. If someone even slightly disapproves, I hate myself and want to die. Ugh. I wish someone could just save me from my own mind.