black cloud

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Flying Fox, Sep 13, 2007.

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  1. Flying Fox

    Flying Fox Well-Known Member

    it's worse than usual, I usually feel nothing, or somewhat cold or a little sad. but some times I hit these rocky spots where I feel as warm and caring as a stone. I do want to kill myself. I already know how I'm going to do it, and where I'm going to do (if I do it).

    I don't really care about anything. By the way, has any one read Robin Hobb's book Fool's Errand? If so, I have no real life-dreams, I am in the same state Frizt (aka Tom Badgerlock) is when he's as the cabin more or less, wanting nothing more than his cabin and thinking there's no purpose to his life and that he was fine with living like this (except that I don't have his life style, I want his life style). I want to be away from everyone, or just kill myself. My life is already partly stagnant, at least it feels like it.

    When I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep I think a lot and I have many things to say, but I can't think of anything now. I'm not open with my feelings, I never share my inner inner feelings or thoughts with people. I don't know how to do it.

    I want to die, I'm not interested in living any more. What it's the bloody point? I've given up acting social, for the most part. No, no need to worry, I'm not to kill myself this instant, yet. I'm mainly winging life.

    I have a therapist, she's really nice and I like talking to her, but my parents assigned her to me four months ago, more than a year too late. I had already decided. I feel sad for leading them on, but I am not interested in life any more. Even if I was interested, there's my grades; my parents are the type who wants their children to succeed and get mostly As. They're nice but they will be disappoint/annoyed with me about my grades and that I won't get into as good a university as my sister did. If I was interested in living . . . they and my grades. I'm a senior in high school.

    Life is not for me, my head is stuck in the clouds.
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I wish I had some magical answer that would fix everything, but reality remains the same. :sad:

    I'm here for a PM if you need to talk. Feel free. :hug:
  3. zaraki

    zaraki Active Member

    I have never read the story you're talking about, but it does sound interesting. :)

    I know how it feels not being able to express yourself. You want to tell someone so bad, but the words can't form in your mouth. I myself fear as though I'll say the wrong thing and people will turn against me. I don't want people to hate me for what I'm saying.
    I also know how it feels, wanting to be left alone. There's always someone disrupting you, someone forcing you to do things you don't want to. All you wish for is peace, but the only time you can ever get peace is through sleep (at least for me). :wink:

    I just started college this month. My parents also have high expectations of me and believe it or not I have high expectations of myself. I know your parents are the type that wants their children to get good grades and succeed, but I'm sure they would hate it even more if you just suddenly die on them. They want you to get better, I'm sure.

    I’m able to get through life because of a story I created five years ago. Back then it was just a bunch of nonsense put together where the character underwent even more pain than I had gone through. It was basically an outlet for all my feelings. It may sound crazy, but all those character I created way back when, I’ve bonded with them and I’m able to find a sort of peace when I’m writing about them. It may not be much, but try to find someway to create your own vent for all that you’re feeling. It’s still not too late.
  4. Flying Fox

    Flying Fox Well-Known Member

    nah it's fine =D, thanks. I just sort of feel blank and content at the moment. Right now at least. Being depressed is awful, is like the real world equilivant of a dementor, it just sucks the happiness out of you.
    When I feel down I don't want to feel happy, I don't really care want happens and I sometimes feel sort of reckless. When I'm depressed I just want to stay down there in the hole and just sit in my well of depression.
    It would be really nice if there was a magical answer, I love reading, and for the past few years I've felt an increase want/need to become part of the books and have their own adventures and live in a magical word and be a shape shifter. As part of the effect of my depression my head has gone up higher in the clouds. And I have the feeling that mentally I'm trying to claw myself up in those worlds and try and lose myself in books and things.

    I suggest reading it, it's good. It's not like most other books; it has a lot of pyschological stuff going on with stiff and his bonded wolf. I think it's interesting to read for someone who is depressed or something.

    I don't know, when I become depressed I have a really strong urge to go to someplace where I can be alone and no one can find me. Yeah, the time when you're in bed and waiting to fall asleep is the time for me. It's very peaceful, and I can think about things or think about nothing at all.

    Congrats on college :biggrin:, I hope it goes well. Gosh, two days ago one of my few real friends (she's really nice, she's just like a little hobbit who's full of life) said to me "Do you realise that we'll probably never see each other again when we go to college? We'll be going different ways, and it's not like we're going to keep up with each other." That really struck me, I hadn't thought of that before. And why did I just bring this up? I've gotten side tracked (again). Any way, that's a really good point you have there about the parents. I try not to think about it, it makes me feel guilty, but I try to think about it at least a little bit so I keep in mind about my parents and what they'll go through if I do kill myself. I'll try and keep on going at least for a little while longer, though don't really want to. I feel like I have two people in me, the majority depressed and uncaring, and a little bit that I'm not part of saying, "No, you've got to hold on for a bit".
    Arg, got to go, school bell. Any way, at night it seems to be so easy to think, and there fore talk, but when it's about these things it's suprisingly hard.
  5. zaraki

    zaraki Active Member

    It's good that reading takes you away from the world. If only I had a bit more passion for reading ,it could take me away from the pain I'm having now. Like you, I also want to stay in that well of depression. Usually, when I feel as though I can climb out, someone pushes me back inside again. It's a horrible feeling that goes on and off.

    College is okay. School takes my mind off of things. As much as I hate homework, it makes me forget what's happening around me. :wink:

    It's good that you're going to keep at it a little longer. Who knows, maybe it'll turn out for the better. I don't know, when I think about kiling myself, I'm actually too scarred to try. I don't want to hurt the people around me and what they've done to get me this far. The sacrifices they made for me; I suppose even the sacrifices I made for myself. Dying for me is just too scary...I mean, there's a whole life ahead of me. I know it'll be really painful at times, but I know that sometimes it'll be worth it. :smile:
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